


Your Ocean Eyes

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cas is too, Case Fic, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Frottage, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Human Castiel, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Miss Congeniality AU, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Pining, Sam just needs them to get their shit together, beauty pageant, bed sharing, kind of, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-14 18:16:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 46,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15394578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “No. Absolutely not. I refuse to enter a competition against some namby-pamby, spray-tanned boys in thongs.”, Dean yells.Sam rolls his eyes. “Calm down, Dean, no one said you had to be the one to enter.”Miss Congeniality AU: While investigating strange deaths, Team Free Will have to go undercover at a beauty pageant... with a human Cas as the contestant, Dean obliviously pining after him and Sam just being really done with the two of them.





	1. I disappear and wind up here

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on the amazing Sandra Bullock film "Miss Congeniality", but with a supernatural being as the threat instead of a bomb.  
> Be prepared for lots of pining Dean, pining Cas, and a done af Sam, who just wants to get tips on hair products.
> 
> Can't think of any trigger warnings just yet, but I'll add tags and TWs as I write. I hope to update as quickly as I can and not let this fic drag on too much!
> 
> Fic title taken from the Billie Eilish song "Ocean Eyes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not TWs for this one   
> This chapter starts from Sam's POV and then switches to Dean's POV for the rest of it.  
> The chapter title is from the Maisy Stella song "Come and find me" from the TV show Nashville.

Dean is watching Cas drink his coffee with just a little too much intensity, when Sam walks into the bunker’s kitchen holding his laptop.

“So get this.”, he says instead of saying good morning. Cas looks up, but Dean is still staring at the ex-angel. Sam rolls his eyes at his brother and continues speaking anyway. “I just got a phone call from a guy, who knows a guy, who knows one of the hunters we worked with on that rugaru case last year, and he needs our help. He works at a TV network and there’s been some strange stuff going on.”

“Strange, how?”, Dean asks, finally tearing his eyes away from Cas, who is still serenely sipping his coffee.

“Well,”, Sam says, frowning down at the information the man had sent him. “The network is hosting a beauty pageant and one of the contestants was murdered.”

“Well you know how people get in competitions, it was probably one of the other contestants.”, Dean says, shrugging and turns back to watching Cas.

“Yeah, no. I don’t think so.”, Sam says. “The victim was found chained to a chair, stabbed through the heart. Seems a little extreme for this to have been done by another contestant, don’t you think? Also, there were and I quote: ‘weird leaves’ found around the bodies.”

Dean shrugs, but Cas agrees with Sam. “I think we should go and meet this person and see if we can help.”, he says and Dean groans.

“Fine, but if we’re going there, we better get to stay and watch the swim suit competition.”, he says, getting up and heading towards his bedroom.

“Pack for the sun.”, Sam calls after him. “We’re going to Texas!”

 

Eight hours later they pull into a motel parking lot in Fort Worth.

“Alright, Sam you go get us a room. Cas and I will go find something to eat and we’ll meet back here.”, Dean orders, as Sam climbs out of the Impala. He watches as Sam heads into the motel and gestures for Cas to move up into the front seat.

“So, Cas. What are you feeling? Burgers? Pizza? I saw a fried chicken place on the way here.”, he asks the ex-angel, trying not to stare at him for too long. He’d caught himself doing that a lot lately. Even worse, he had been caught staring more than once, usually by Sam and a couple of times by Charlie. He didn’t know why they made such a big deal about it, a man could stare at his best friend if he wanted to, without having a reason for it. Cas’ gravelly voice jerks him from his thoughts.

“I would be happy with burgers.”, he says, fixing his blue eyes on Dean, who tries not to blush under the intense gaze.

“Burgers it is.”, Dean says, putting the Impala in gear and peeling out of the parking lot.

There’s a mom and pop kind of diner not too far from their motel, so after calling Sam to see what he wants – and him politely declining – they head in and find a table.

“So, a beauty pageant, that’ll be fun, right? Lots of um… girls in bikinis and stuff…”, Dean trails off, not really knowing what else to say.

Cas blinks at him, looking equally confused and nods slowly. “Yes, I’m sure that will be enjoyable for you.”

“Well, not just for me, buddy. I’m sure you’ll find someone too, lots of girls ready for the picking.”, Dean says, although he’s not entirely sure he wants any of the girls himself, let alone whether he wants Cas to have them. Although thinking about it, there’s no reason for Cas not to want any girls or for him to not want Cas to want the girls.

Cas gives him a small smile. “I’m sure I will, Dean.”

If Dean didn’t know any better, he’d say Cas looked sad.

He doesn’t have a chance to ask if everything’s okay as just then, the waitress arrives with their food and Dean is pretty sure he couldn’t tell you his own name after seeing the rapturous smile spreading across Cas’ face at the first bite of his burger.

“Are you ah, enjoying that, buddy?”, Dean asks, shifting slightly in his seat.

Cas nods, his cheeks bulging a little. He gives a massive swallow and says: “These make me very happy.”

Dean grins right back at him. “I’m glad, buddy.”

He continues to watch Cas eat, almost completely forgetting about his own burger until he is distracted by his phone ringing.

“Yeah?”, he says, absentmindedly answering the phone.

“Dean? Are you guys still out?”, his brother’s voice comes from the phone’s speaker.

Cas glances at him questioningly and Dean gives his a reassuring smile. “Yeah Sam, we’re still having dinner. Why? What’s up?”

“Right, well I need you to come back to the motel. I was just speaking to Don and we have a problem.”, Sam says and Dean frowns.

“Who the hell is Don?”

He hears Sam sigh. “He’s the guy from the network who called us, Dean. Just finish up your dinner-date with Cas and get back here.”

Dean sputters. “It’s not a – what are you? Shut up, Sam. We’re just two friends having a very nice, very platonic, non-romantic dinner.”

There’s silence on the other end and then Sam sighs again. “Whatever you say Dean, just get back here.”

Dean scowls and hangs up.

Cas is staring down at his burger, frowning slightly. “Hey buddy, do you want to finish up your burger? Sam wants us back at the motel.”

The former angel slowly pushes his plate away. “No thank you, Dean. I’m not that hungry anymore.”

“Okay… are you sure you’ve had enough to eat, though? You’ve still got half your food left.”

“I’m fine Dean, let’s just go.”, Cas says, abruptly getting to his feet and leaving the diner.

Dean slaps a couple of twenties on their table and hurries after him.

Cas is waiting for him by the impala. He doesn’t speak when they get into the car, but Dean doesn’t feel like sitting there in silence for the whole ride back to the motel, so eventually he just says: “What the hell was that, Cas?”

The ex-angel shrugs, still not speaking.

Dean scowls at him. “Whatever, don’t talk to me then.”

They pull up outside the motel and only Dean’s decades of love for Baby stop him from slamming the door when he gets out of the car. He storms off towards their room door, but just before he gets there, a hand on his shoulder stops him.

He turns to see Cas standing behind him. He drops his hand from Dean’s shoulder and stuffs his hands in the trenchcoat he still insists on wearing.

“What, Cas?”, he asks testily. The ex-angel flinches away from him.

“I… um. I just wanted to apologise for how I acted in the diner, Dean. I got um… a stomach ache and that’s still strange to me. I didn’t know how to react. I really am sorry.”, Castiel says and Dean feels his face soften.

“That’s alright, buddy. Do you want some painkillers? I’m sure Sam has some.” Cas shakes his head. “Alright then, let’s go inside. Maybe you’ll have time to lie down when Sam’s done whining about whatever it is we had to come back for.”

Cas offers him a small smile, which Dean returns and then head into the room.

Sam is sprawled on one of the beds, tapping away at his laptop, which he puts away when he sees the two of them.

“Hey guys. Have a nice dinner?”, he asks with a smirk and Dean really wants to smack him.

“Shut up, Sam. What did you need to talk about? Cas has a sore stomach so hurry up, so he can get his room key and go and lie down.”, Dean says and the grin slides off Sam’s face.

“Yeah, Dean, about that… There’s actually two things I needed to talk to you about.”, he says and Dean rolls his eyes.

“Spit it out, Sam.”

“Well, the motel was fully booked, so we could only get the one room. This one…”, Sam trails off and Dean looks around the room. It’s sparsely furnished with a table with a single chair and two queen-sized beds.

“There’s only two beds.”, he says and Sam shrugs.

“Yeah, I guess two of us will have to share.”

Dean groans. “Sam, I hate sharing with you, you’re the clingiest sleeper ever.” He slinks over to the table and grabs one of the beers that Sam had put there.

Sam sighs. “Fine. Well, I’ll just share with Cas then.” He looks like he wants to say more but he is distracted by Dean choking on his beer. “Or… you could share with Cas if you’d prefer?”

Dean chokes on his beer again. “What? No? Why would I prefer that? I don’t – why would you say that?”, he splutters and Sam frowns at him.

He nearly chokes again when Cas speaks up. He had almost forgotten he was in the room with them.

“It’s okay, Dean. I can just sleep in the bathtub. Or perhaps the Impala, I believe it isn’t supposed to be too cold tonight.”, Cas says.

“Absolutely not!”, Dean says, nearly yelling and both Cas and Sam jump.

Sam awkwardly clears his throat. “Right, well. I suppose we can figure out the sleeping arrangements later.”

“There’s nothing to sort out. I’ll sleep with Cas. I mean, he’ll sleep – we’ll sleep togeth – we can share.”, Dean says, blushing at the awkward phrasing. Cas tilts his head at him in curiosity but Dean plows on. “Now, Sam, what did Dave have to say?”

“Um, I guess you mean Don?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Sam nods. “Right. Well, we thought we’d maybe to get into the pageant as judges or something, right? Well, that’s what Don was calling about. Apparently he didn’t make it clear when we first spoke, but because it’s an all-male competition it has an almost exclusively female judging panel, he’s actually the only male judge. So we have to find another way in. Don suggested one of us could actually enter and the others could pose as their coaching team.”

Dean takes a minute to process all that and then shakes his head. “No. Absolutely not. I refuse to enter a competition against some namby-pamby, spray-tanned boys in thongs.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Calm down, no one said you had to enter.”

“Well, you can’t do it. Your arm is still all weird and oozy from getting burned when we were chasing that wendigo.”, Dean says, pointedly staring at the edge of the bandages that are visible along the collar of Sam’s shirt. Sam nods as if to say “duh”. “So, what? You want Cas to go undercover? Sure, that’ll work out well!”, Dean spits at him and Sam glares at him.

“What, you don’t think Cas is attractive enough to enter a beauty pageant?”, Sam asks, turning to look at the former angel and Dean follows his eye-line to also look at Cas. He looks bemused and slightly disappointed and is staring at his shoes. Dean studies the long eyelashes that surround Cas’ violently blue eyes, the strong line of his chin. How perfectly pink his lips are, the bottom one just slightly fuller than the top. He thinks about how tight the fabric of Cas’ shirts wrap around his tanned arms when he finally takes off his coat – no not finally, just whenever – whenever he takes off his coat.

“Of course, I don’t think that. Cas is, he’s perfect. Um, perfectly attractive, I mean. You know, he’s fine. He looks fine, not _fine_. He – you – You’re a good looking guy, Cas.”, Dean says, blushing up to his roots and Sam pretends not to notice, while Cas smiles.

“Thank you, Dean. You are also a very handsome man.”, Castiel tells him and Dean blushes even harder.

“Um, thanks Cas.”, he says, ignoring Sam sniggering. “Anyway, what I meant to say was that Cas is still very new to humanity, and beauty pageants involve a lot of um, human things.”

Sam nods, considering this. “True, but I think if we are with him as coaches, he’ll be alright. He only has to interact with the other contestants at meal times, and I’m sure you can manage that, right Cas?” Cas simply nods so Sam continues. “And as you pointed out, Dean, I can’t do it and I’m assuming you don’t want to get half naked in front of an audience and a panel of judges.”

“There’s not a chance in hell of me doing that, Sammy.”, Dean says, crossing his arms over his stomach. Not that he’d ever admit it to anyone, but in recent years he’s put on a little weight. He isn’t 23 anymore, and with his age came a little pouch of fat where his abs used to be. He isn’t usually very self-conscious, but the idea of standing on stage next to a bunch ripped men, with what he has to admit is a small beer-gut, fills him with dread.

“So it’s settled. Cas will go undercover. I’ll be his hair and outfit guy and you can be his coach for personality things like the interviews and interacting with the other contestants.”, Sam tells them and Dean nods.

He thinks his blush has died down enough to risk a glance over at Cas, who is frowning slightly. Dean reaches out and puts a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You okay, buddy?”

Cas startles a little and nods. “Yes, I am just not entirely sure that this vess- I mean my body, is the right one for this hunt. Jimmy’s body is over 35 by now, he isn’t a young man anymore.”

Dean tightens his grip on Cas’ shoulder, unconsciously mirroring the handprint on his own, and tries to reassure him, without knowing what to say. Luckily, Sam has the talking part covered.

“Don’t worry about that Cas, this is actually an over 30s competition. It used to be called something ridiculous like _America’s Top DILF_ , but you don’t need to be a dad to compete anymore – although I suppose because of Claire you are kind of a dad… Either way, don’t worry about it. You’re a good looking guy, you’re physically fit and Don has guaranteed that you’ll get into the top ten so we have the opportunity to hang around as much as possible and find out what’s killing the other contestants. Plus, Charlie lent me some really cool spyware so we’ll be able to talk to you while you aren’t with us.”

Castiel seems placated by Sam’s words, although he still looks a little too worried for Dean’s liking.

They decide to call it a night and Dean gets halfway through his bathroom routine before remembering that he agreed to share a bed with Cas. It’s not that he desperately wanted to share with the former angel, it’s just that Sam actually is a clingy sleeper and he really doesn’t want Sam sleeping with Cas. There’s no reason, and frankly he doesn’t need a reason. Maybe he just doesn’t want to see his brother wrapped around his best friend tomorrow morning, that’s all. It would be too weird. Yes, weird, that’s all.

He returns from the bathroom, letting Sam use it, and finds Castiel already changed into the dorky striped pyjamas he picked for himself a while ago, lying in bed. Cas sits up when Dean enters the room and shifts further towards the edge of the bed. Seeing him waiting there does funny things to Dean’s stomach and his hands are tingling, so he almost misses what Castiel is saying.

“… honestly don’t mind going to sleep in the Impala. Texas isn’t that cold and I have slept in worse conditions.”, Cas says and Dean has to swallow the bile that rises in his throat at the memories of sending a newly human Cas away and subsequently finding out that he hadn’t even had a proper place to live.

“No Cas. It’s fine, Sammy and I used to share a bed when we were younger. You and I sharing will be no different.”, he tells the ex-angel. “Now, let’s try and get some rest before Sam starts snoring.”

He slides in next to Cas, pulling the covers up over his shoulders just as Sam exits the bathroom and heads for his own bed, flicking off the lights on his way past.

Sam is asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow, his breathing deep and regular in the way that Dean had learned to listen for over the many years they had shared rooms together.

On Dean’s other side, he feels Cas roll over, taking some of the blankets with him. He is giving off an incredible amount of heat that would usually make Dean uncomfortably warm, but instead he is overcome with an inexplicable yearning to move closer to his friend, to feel that heat against his skin. He does his best to ignore it, but urge remains, making it impossible to sleep. His hands itch with longing and Dean stays awake long after Castiel too has drifted off to sleep.

 

Dean had been asleep for what he is sure was only five minutes, but in reality, was probably a couple of hours when he is woken by violent thrashing next to him. He jolts awake, instinctively reaching for the gun he had left on the night stand, when he realises the movement is coming from Cas.

The man is tossing about, as if fighting an invisible enemy. He is whimpering, emitting small noises of distress that are threatening to break Dean’s heart, his face contorted into a mask of despair.

“Shh, Cas. You’re okay.”, Dean whispers to his miserable friend, gently stroking his shoulder in an attempt to wake him from his nightmare. Cas just begins to cry, his whole body shaking like a leaf. Dean makes more soothing noises, like he used to do when Sam had nightmares as a child, but they don’t seem to help. Dean pushes himself up into a sitting position and then pulls the still sleeping Cas up to sit against him in a weird, lopsided kind of hug. He strokes the former angel’s hair, as his sobs eventually lessen and he begins to breathe deeply and calmly again, without ever waking up.

Dean breathes a sigh of relief and lies down again, just taking Cas with him. He doesn’t even think to care about how it might look, all he wants is for Cas to be able to sleep peacefully, so he wraps his arms tightly around the other man and settles his chin on Cas’ head. For his part, Cas just unconsciously returns the embrace and sleeps through until morning.

 

 


	2. White noise what an awful sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This slightly shorter chapter is from Cas' point of view, I think I'll make them alternating POVs.  
> TW for some swearing  
> Chapter title from the Sufjan Stevens song "Mystery of Love"

When Cas wakes up the next morning, it’s to the sound of a camera shutter clicking. When he slowly opens his eyes, he is greeted by the sight of Sam standing over his bed, taking a picture with his phone and grinning gleefully. At first he can’t work out just what Sam feels the need to take a picture of, but then he hears a soft snuffle beside him and becomes aware of the fact that he has an arm – not his own – slung across his chest. He carefully turns to see Dean, still fast asleep and adorably rumpled looking. One of Dean’s arms is wrapped around Cas, the other shoved under his pillow, his mouth slightly open and drooling.

“Good morning Castiel.”, Sam says quietly, finally putting his phone away. Then an evil grin spreads across his face. “Good morning, Dean!”, he yells, laughing when his brother startles awake. For a brief moment, when Dean looks around and sees Cas so close to him, he seems to relax. Then the hunter seems to become more aware of the position he has been caught in and suddenly pushes off Cas, rolling out of bed in the process.

“Goddammit Sammy, you don’t wake a man by yelling in his fucking face!”, Dean gripes and Sam just continues to laugh. Cas reaches out a hand to help Dean to his feet, which the hunter gratefully takes.

“Yeah especially when that man looked so cozy.”, Sam says, holding out his phone with the picture of Dean and Cas curled up asleep displayed on it. Dean drops Cas’ hand like it burned him and stumbles into the bathroom, yelling profanities and threats to destroy Sam’s phone over his shoulder.

As Cas watches him go, a sick feeling settles in his stomach. He actually thought it was nice to have Dean sleeping so close to him, but perhaps the hunter didn’t enjoy it. Maybe he was even disgusted to have to have so much contact with Castiel.

“Cas? Are you okay?” Castiel looks up to see Sam looking at him with a concerned expression on his kind face. He nods, but Sam doesn’t looks convinced. “Are you sure?”

Castiel nods again. “Yes thank you, Sam. But maybe you should delete that picture off your phone.”

Sam frowns. “Why? It’s just some harmless teasing.”

“Yes, but Dean seemed very embarrassed and I do not want him to be angry with me.”

“Angry with you? Cas, I’m the one who took the picture. Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine.”, Sam says soothingly and Castiel just nods again, the sick feeling in his stomach still not abating.

Sam looks like he wants to press the issue further, but just then Dean walks back into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist and steam billowing from the open door behind him. Castiel watches for a moment as a single drop of water makes its way down Dean’s chest and across the little belly that Cas really loves, but he knows Dean hates. One glance, that’s all he allows himself before he looks away again. Dean has told him many times how inappropriate his staring is and he doesn’t want to anger the hunter even more.

“Hey buddy, do you want to use the shower? And you might want to shave before we head over to the contest.”, Dean says and Castiel shuffles off into the bathroom to do as he was told.

He still doesn’t understand the human insistence on shaving, he actually enjoyed having a beard. But Dean said he looked scruffy and then the hunter had showed him how to shave properly. The morning Dean taught him is one of the best mornings of Castiel’s existence. Dean had been patient and kind and had put tiny plasters on the little nicks left by Castiel’s inexperienced hand. He had helped him put on the aftershave Sam had picked for him and afterwards he had just stared at Cas’ clean shaven face for a long time. Castiel didn’t really understand why Dean was allowed to stare, but he didn’t really mind either. Then Dean had left the bathroom abruptly and the next day when Castiel had asked for his help shaving again, he had told the former angel that he should be able to do it by himself now and then gone to clean the Impala. Cas hadn’t asked for his help again.

When Cas returns, freshly showered and clean shaven, both Dean and Sam are dressed and Sam has laid out an outfit for him.

Cas pulls on the clothes he vaguely recognises from one of the many shopping trips he made with Sam, light coloured slacks and a pale blue button down. When he looks to the brothers for approval Dean doesn’t react beyond an approving grunt, but Sam tells him he looks great.

They decide to forgo breakfast and head straight to the venue, a huge convention centre, where they’re supposed to meet Don.

Don turns out to be a suave, middle-aged englishman who seems delighted with all of them, especially Dean and quickly shows them to their rooms in the hotel next to the convention center.

Cas is on floor 12 with the other contestants, and Sam and Dean are on the floor below. Cas would have expected Dean to be ecstatic at the fact that they each have their own rooms, but when he mentions as much to the hunter, he just shrugs.

They barely have enough time to drop their bags before Don is handing Sam a bag of makeup and and rolling in a rack of outfits for Cas to wear over the coming days.

“Right, get Cas changed into the linen suit in the white bag and put some of this BB-cream on his face to help with the bags under his eyes and we can get him to the contestants’ breakfast.”, Don orders and before he knows it, Cas is dressed in a blue linen suit and white shirt, while Sam gels his hair back and Don dabs a weird cream under his eyes. Sam pins a tiny camera to his lapel, hands him something called an earpiece after briefly showing him how to put it in and then they're ushered out of his room and into the lift. He barely has time to wave goodbye to Sam and Dean before Don is dragging him through the lobby and over to a bus that he can see several men climbing into.

“Now Castiel, I know you’re nervous but there’s no reason to be. All you have to do is chat to these nice men over brunch. Remember: your name is Castiel Biddick, you’re from Lebanon, Kansas and your close friend and hairstylist Sam Wesson nominated you after the former Mr. Kansas died two days ago.”, Don speaks very quickly in his clipped british accent, but Castiel used to be a celestial entity so he doesn’t have trouble remembering the man’s words. It’s just that he hasn’t been alone among so many non-hunting humans since he was homeless on the streets and he has been told many times that his social skills are abysmal at best – mostly by Dean. “Now, I’m going to go talk to your friends. Maybe the grumpy one will be willing to let me help him investigate, if you know what I mean.” Don says with a wink. Before Cas can say that no, he doesn’t know what Don means but he thinks it has something to do with intercourse because of the wink, Don is talking again. “Don’t forget to put in your earpiece, so your friends can hear you and you can hear them.”

Cas fumbles with the little gadget,stuffing it in his ear the way Sam showed him, then he is shoved towards the bus. On his way there he somehow manges to trip over his laces and right towards the very sharp edge of the metal step into the bus. Thankfully, someone grabs him by the arm just in time and pulls him upright.

Cas turns to find brown eyes staring into his. The brown eyes belong to an extremely handsome man who has golden skin like warm caramel, and black hair just past his chin.

“Thank you.”, Castiel says, since that seems the most appropriate response.

The man smiles, flashing blindingly white teeth. “You’re very welcome.”

“Um, I’m Castiel. Castiel Biddick. From Kansas.”, he tells the man who smiles even wider and stretches his hand towards Cas.

“I’m Alex Theos. I’m the contestant from Rhode Island.”, he says, shaking Castiel’s hand. His hands are steady and very smooth, not at all like Dean’s whose hands are rough and calloused and sometimes shake when he’s tired or stressed.

Cas frowns. “Theos like the greek word for God?”

Alex smiles. “Exactly. What about you, are you named after the angel of Thursday or is that just a coincidence?”

Cas is surprised the man knows the name, but smiles, pleased. “Yes, that is correct.”

Alex steps a little closer. “How fitting, an angelic name for an angelic face.”

“What the fuck?” Dean’s voice sounds in Cas’ ear as his earpiece crackles to life. Cas jumps a little in surprise and Alex frowns.

“Are you alright, Castiel?”, the man asks, running his hand down Cas’ arm.

“Um, yes. Sorry, I’m just a little nervous.”, he offers and Alex smiles.

“Oh that’s completely understandable. But I wouldn’t worry, I think you have a very good chance at winning.”

Cas raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Oh, you think so?”

Alex’s smile widens. “Of course, have you looked in a mirror lately? Now, howabout we get on that bus, I’m starving.”

They board the bus together and Alex even sits next to him.

“So Castiel, do you have family back home in Kansas? Is there a special someone waiting there for you?”, Alex asks.

Cas isn’t exactly sure what sort of family background he is supposed to have so he says: “Well, I’m very close with my coaching team.”

Alex nods. “Yes, the coaches are always very important. But that’s it, you don’t have a wife? Husband? Significant other?”

“Um, no. Not really. Mostly it’s just me.”, Cas tells him. Saying it out loud gives him a strange sort of feeling. He always had a lot of companions in heaven, but now he really only has Sam and Dean, maybe even Charlie. And sometimes he questions whether they even want him around.

Alex gives him a comforting smile and pats his hand. “Well I don’t think a guy like you will be alone for long.”

Cas is prevented from answering by a sudden high-pitched squeal of static in his ear. Thankfully he doesn’t need to say anything as just then, the bus arrives at the convention center and the driver asks them to disembark.

Cas follows the other men off the bus and into the convention center, where they’re guided into a room with several round tables and a huge breakfast buffet. Cas can’t help but think that Dean would love this.

He follows Alex to one of the tables, where they are joined by four other men. They are all very friendly and – Cas can’t help but notice – they’re also very good looking. They introduce themselves as being from Alaska, Nebraska, Michigan and Iowa respectively. The man from Alaska immediately pulls out his phone to show them all pictures of his wife and children, Michigan grimaces bitterly and warns him of the dangers of divorce, telling Cas never to get married. Nebraska and Iowa spend a lot of time giggling and Alex leans over and whispers to Cas that they’re secretly dating, but can’t tell anyone because it's against the competition rules.

Castiel doesn’t really talk a lot, instead he mostly nods and smiles, but the other men don’t seem to mind, continuing to talk amiably.

Eventually two of the judges, one of whom is Don, walk up to a small podium at the centre of the room. Don introduces himself and then hands the microphone to the woman, who introduces herself as Heidi.

“Hey Cas, how are things going?” He hears Dean ask through the earpiece. “Cough once if you need help, twice if you’re okay.” Castiel tries to cough twice as discreetly as possible, and he hears Dean again. “Okay buddy, the contestants and their teams are supposed to mingle after breakfast so I’ll see you in a bit.” There’s some static and Dean’s voice disappears.

Castiel turns his attention back to Heidi who is currently announcing exactly what Dean had just told him and then tells them to finish enjoying their breakfasts.

“So, Castiel. How did you end up in the competition?”, the man from Michigan asks him, looking at him critically.

Cas puts down the roll he had been buttering – Sam had told him it was rude to eat and speak at the same time, even though Dean had said it didn’t matter. “Well, um, it was my friend Sam actually, he’s the one who recommended me. You might meet him at the meet and greet, actually, he’s also my stylist.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”, Michigan says, but it doesn’t sound like he thinks it really is nice.

Alex comfortingly pats Castiel knee under the table. “I think it’s great you have friends who support you enough to nominate you for something like this.”

Cas smiles at him. “Thank you, Alex. Sam is very important to me.”

He hears a strange sputtering noise in his ear, but he does his best to ignore it and finish eating his breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up by tomorrow evening at the latest, hope you enjoyed this!


	3. All the souls that I can't listen to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Sam's POV  
> TWs for this chapter: Swearing, mild gore  
> Chapter title from the Camilla Cabello song "Consequences"

Sam watches Cas disappear across the lobby and then turns to watch Dean, who is watching Cas walk away for a lot longer than strictly necessary.

“Come on Dean, let’s go up to watch Cas on the laptop.”, he says, grabbing Dean by the shoulder and dragging him back into the lift. They head to Sam’s room, where he opens the programme Charlie set up for him and pretty soon, they’re watching as Cas makes his way towards the bus.

“Can he hear everything we’re saying?”, Dean asks as Sam fiddles with the volume.

Sam shakes his head. “No, that would be too irritating for him. He can only hear us, if you press that button on the microphone here.” Sam waves a small mic at him.

Dean nods and resumes watching just as Cas trips and falls.

“Who the fuck is that?”, Dean asks angrily as a handsome man helps Cas to his feet. The man introduces himself and Dean inches closer to the mic.

“What the fuck.”, Dean yells into the mic, when the man calls Cas’ face angelic. Sam takes the mic off him and hands Dean a cup of coffee in hopes that it will distract him.

The coffee is spat back out again, narrowly missing Sam and his laptop, when the man – Alex – asks if Cas is single.

“What the hell, Dean?”, Sam asks as Dean wipes his face with the back of his hand.

Dean glares. “What the hell is Cas doing, flirting with strange men? Hand me the microphone, I’m going to tell him to move away from that guy and just get on the bus.”

“No, Dean.”, Sam tells him, moving the mic further away from his brother, briefly pressing the button by accident. Sam watches as Dean grows more and more frustrated at each obvious flirtation from Alex and wonders if his brother knows just how obvious his crush is.

On screen, Alex asks Cas about his relationships and Dean becomes very still when Cas says that it’s just him and no one else. When Alex turns that into an opportunity to hit on Cas again, Dean lunges at Sam, trying to take the mic off him.

After a brief scuffle, which Sam wins due to his superior arm length, they watch Cas get off the bus and follow the other contestants into the room where they’re to have breakfast. Cas seems to mostly be listening to mundane smalltalk so Sam feels that he can leave Dean alone for a minute to use the bathroom, when he returns Dean is talking into the mic.

“Hey Cas, how are things going? Cough once if you need help, twice if you’re okay.”

Both Sam and Dean stop to listen and hear Cas cough twice. On screen they can see he is still looking at Dom and the other judge. Sam sees Dean smile, before speaking again. “Okay buddy, the contestants and their teams are supposed to mingle after breakfast so I’ll see you in a bit.”

Dean puts down the microphone, but doesn’t look like he’s about to move and get ready to go downstairs. Both Sam and Dean frown when the man from Michigan insinuates that Cas doesn’t belong in the competition and it’s a good thing that Sam took the mic away from Dean at that point, because a few seconds later the camera pans down to Cas’ lap, where Alex is gently patting Cas’ knee.

“That’s it!”, Dean shouts, jumping to his feet.

“Dean, calm down! It’s just some harmless flirting. I’ve seen you do that to hundreds of women.”, Sam says placatingly.

Dean shakes his head. “No, this guy is trying to take advantage of Cas. You can tell a mile off that he’s – that he’s innocent! Inexperienced!”

“Dean, you need to calm down. I’m sure Cas is fine. We’ll see him in a minute at the mixer thing, then we can check that guy out and make sure Cas is alright, okay?”

 Dean clenches his jaw, but eventually nods. “Fine.”

Together they make their way downstairs and into a room joined to the one Cas is having breakfast in. There are quite a few people already milling about and set out on tables at the side of the room are several trays of sandwiches that Dean makes a beeline for. Sam follows him, deciding to stick close to his brother until they get a chance to meet the man Cas had been speaking to.

 

Sam is munching on an apple, while Dean starts in on his third sandwich, when the double doors on the other side of the room open and around 50 men – all of whom are wearing suits – walk in. Sam nudges Dean, who promptly chokes on his sandwich when he sees Cas coming towards them with the man they know to be Alex on his arm.

Cas looks unsure, but not unhappy so Sam decides to speak before Dean can swallow his mouthful and say something that is sure to be rude. “Hello Cas, did you enjoy your breakfast?”

Cas smiles at him. “Yes, thank you Sam. Um, this is Alex Theos, the contestant from Rhode Island. Alex, these are my friends and coaches Sam and Dean Winchester.”

Alex smiles and lets go of Cas’ arm to extend a hand to each of the brothers. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” Sam smiles as he shakes the man’s hand, but Dean’s expression can only be described as a glower. “Can I ask how long you’ve been married?”, Alex asks and Dean’s scowl deepens.

Castiel looks embarrassed, but Sam just laughs awkwardly and attempts to diffuse the tension. “Um, actually, Dean and I aren’t married, we’re brothers.”

Alex gasps. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! It’s just that in this business two men with the same name are usually, well…”

Sam offers him a friendly smile. “Don’t worry about it, it actually isn’t the first time this has happened.”

Alex smiles back at him gratefully. “Well, if the two of you aren’t married to each other, do you have any significant others back home? I was just asking Castiel about it, but he claims he doesn’t have anyone – although I find that very hard to believe, don’t you? He must have a special someone hidden away somewhere.”

Castiel blushes deeply and Sam is convinced that he can _hear_ Dean grinding his teeth.

He coughs nervously. “Well, Cas is telling the truth in that respect. As for myself, I’m actually seeing someone, her name is Eileen.” He can’t help but smile at the mention of her name, and Alex smiles too.

“How wonderful! And what about you, Dean?”

Dean outright ignores him and instead says: “Cas we should go and do that thing, we said we’d do earlier.”

Cas frowns. “That thing?” Dean nods tersely. “Um, alright then.”

Dean grabs Cas by the arm and drags him towards the lobby.

Alex raises his eyebrows and Sam grimaces at him. “I’m sorry about that, my brother has been under um, a lot of stress lately.”

The other man waves his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, I’m not offended at all. Besides, who wouldn’t want some time alone with a tall, dark and handsome man like Castiel?”

“Um no. Dean isn’t – They’re not – Nevermind. I had better go and see if they need any help with… that thing. I’ll catch you later, Alex.”, Sam says and rushes towards the lobby, where he hopes to find Cas and Dean.

He reaches the lobby and looks around, but can’t see his brother or the former angel anywhere.

He digs out his phone and calls Dean. It rings for ages, but no one picks up. Next he tries Cas.

There’s some very loud beeping and then Cas’ voice can be heard saying: “You have reached my voice mail. I don’t – I don’t understand Dean, what else do I need to say?”

Sam sighs and hangs up. Just then, he hears a high-pitched scream.

He shoves his phone back in his pocket and runs back into the room, where a cluster of contestants are gathered around a sobbing woman.

He shoulders his way to the front. “What happened?”, he asks one of the contestants, who has very windswept hair. He recognises him from Cas’ breakfast table – Sam thinks he might be the contestant from Michigan.

The man shrugs. “Don’t know, she just came back from the bathroom and started screaming.”

Sam frowns at the man’s indifference and moves closer to the woman.

“Terri, what happened?”, a blonde woman is asking. The other woman – Terri – sobs harder but does her best to speak.

“It was terrible. I went to look for Rogelio, because he’d been in the bathroom for a while. But the door wasn’t locked, so I thought I would check if he was actually in there and – and –“, Terri is overcome with sobs again and the blonde woman hands her a tissue.

“Ma’am, what did you see?”, Sam asks, crouching down next to Terri.

Terri glances up at him and takes a deep breath. “Rogelio, he – he’s dead!”

There’s a collective gasp from the other people in the room, and Sam gets to his feet hurriedly. While the other teams try and comfort Terri, Sam makes his way across to the doors on the far side of the room, behind which is a hallway leading to the bathrooms. He carefully looks around and, being able to spot neither law enforcement nor Cas and Dean, quickly makes his way into the bathroom.

The sink area seems clean, but when Sam turns to look inside the cubicle, he sees just what upset Terri. A man – probably Rogelio – is slumped on the toilet, blood all over his lilac shirt. Sam inches closer and sees what Don had mentioned: leaves are scattered all over the floor. He grabs a paper towel from next to the sink and carefully wraps one of the leaves in it. Then he puts it in his back pocket and quickly exits the bathroom.

Sam re-enters the room, where the contestants and their teams are still gathered around Terri and thankfully no one seems to have noticed his absence. Just as he rejoins the crowd, the doors burst open and Cas and Dean rush in looking extremely rumpled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should hopefully be up tomorrow. Get ready for more jealous Dean and find out why Dean and Cas looked so rumpled!


	4. This is the world as I see it now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter than usual, from Dean's POV  
> TWs: the usual swearing, mention of panic attacks  
> Chapter title from the Keaton Henson song "10 am Gare Du Nord"

Dean isn’t quite sure what has happened to him, but he thinks he might have been cursed. He isn’t entirely sure why that sleazy-ass Alex flirting with Cas bothers him, and he’s even less sure why yelled so much while it was happening. What he does know is that he felt like he’d been punched in the gut, when Cas said that Sam was important to him without Dean’s name being mentioned once.

Clearly someone had spiked him with some sort of emotion intensifying hexbag - either that or he was going crazy.

For some reason, when he sees that Alex guy’s arm linked with Cas’, he briefly imagines what would happen if Cas left him – um them – to marry a guy like that. But that’s a stupid thing to imagine, because Cas would never do that, right? Cas wouldn’t leave them again, he wouldn’t.

Dean doesn’t even really care that yet another person thinks he and Sam are married, but then that stupid git is on about Cas having a secret partner and Dean can’t take the white noise that statement causes in his brain anymore, so he makes up some lame excuse and drags Cas out of there.

He doesn’t let go of Cas until they’re outside the convention centre.

“Dean, are you okay? Are you having another panic attack?”, Castiel asks him, a small crease forming between his brows.

Dean shakes his head. “No Cas, I’m not having a panic attack. I’m fine”

The former angel nods and for a moment they just stare at each other, then Dean processes what Cas had just asked. “What do you mean ‘another panic attack’? How do you know about those?”

Castiel looks stricken. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to find out. It was when I was still an angel. I came to look for you and you were in the kitchen. There was a broken bottle and whiskey all over the floor and you just sitting in the middle of it. I tried to talk to you, but you didn’t respond… So I used my grace to calm you and put you to sleep and then I helped you to bed.”

Dean swallows the angry retort about spying he had prepared, because this was not what he had expected. He remembers that night, it was just after they had released the darkness, before they had gone to bargain with Lucifer. He had been drinking and was overwhelmed with memories of what he had done under the influence of the Mark. He remembers the panic clawing at the edges of his mind and dropping the liquor, but after that his memory goes dark. Next thing he knew, he was waking up in bed.

“I um, I figured I had passed out and Sam had found me and put me to bed.”, he says and Cas shakes his head dumbly. “Thank you, Cas. You didn’t have to do that for me.”

Castiel shrugs. “It’s fine Dean, I know you would do the same for me.”

Dean nods, thinking of the nightmare Cas suffered last night. “Yeah buddy, I would.”

Cas gives him a small smile and Dean’s stomach flips – maybe he shouldn’t have eaten so many of those sandwiches, the ham did look a bit iffy.

Dean feels his phone buzzing in his pocket, but he decides to ignore it. “Listen, Cas. About that Alex guy, I just wanted to tell you to be careful. I know he’s good-looking or whatever, but guys like that only want one thing and I’m not saying you can’t have that too but… Look, I just don’t want you to get hurt, understand?”

Castiel frowns. “Dean, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What does –“

He’s cut off by a huge gust of wind that nearly knocks them both of their feet. For a split second a shining, gold figure appears amidst the wind, before disappearing.

“What the hell was that?”, Dean asks and Cas shakes his head in confusion. He is looking distinctly more dishevelled due to the wind, but a lot more like his usual self and Dean can’t help but smile. Just then, they hear a faint scream.

As one, they turn and run back into the building and towards the room where they left Sam.

Sam is standing at the edge of a group of people, all of whom are crowded around a woman who is sobbing on the floor.

He turns when he hears them enter and strides over to them. Dean can tell by the way his shoulders are set that he isn’t pleased. “Where the hell have you two been? There’s been another murder!”, Sam spits at them.

Castiel visibly recoils and Dean is starting to question why the former angel is so jumpy, but at the moment he has to deal with Sam.

“Sam! Calm down and tell us what happened.”, Dean orders and his brother glares at them, but nods curtly.

“One of the contestants, Rogelio, has been found dead – stabbed again by the looks of it. I went to check out the body and found those leaves Don mentioned. I managed to take one, so we can find out what kind of leaf it is and see if we can find out what is doing this.”, Sam explains. “We can start research when we go up to get you ready for the next event.”

Dean nods and Sam’s eyes narrow. “Where have you guys been? You look very… ruffled.”

He knows exactly what his brother is implying and Dean feels warmth flood his cheeks. “Shut up, Bitch. We were outside, having a conversation and then this weird wind suddenly blew past us. And it looked…”

“It looked like there was some sort of figure being carried by the wind.”, Castiel finishes for him and Dean nods in agreement.

“Figure? What kind of figure?”, Sam asks, his fingers twitching. Dean is certain that his brother is itching to start researching.

Castiel shrugs. “I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything like it. It was gold.”

“Gold?”, Sam questions and Cas nods. “Was it male? Female?”

“I don’t know. It only appeared for a second or two and it was sort of hazy.”, Castiel explains and Sam sighs.

They’re interrupted by the arrival of several police officers, who are followed by a harrowed looking Don. Don spots the three of them and immediately rushes over to them.

“What the hell is going on? I’ve just been informed that the contestant from Arizona has been murdered! I thought you three were here to stop that happening again!”, he hisses accusingly.

Dean’s hackles rise. “We’ve only been here a couple hours, we don’t have any idea what did this yet.”

“Then what good are you?”, Don growls before leaving them to rush after the policemen.

Dean glares after him as the other teams start to chatter excitedly at the law enforcement’s arrival.

Somewhere above them, a speaker crackles to life. A woman’s voice is loudly broadcast over what must be an intercom: “Due to recent circumstances, this morning’s communal yoga session has been cancelled. Could all contestants, coaches and judges please return to their rooms until this evening’s competition. I repeat, all contestants, coaches and judges are to return to their rooms until today’s competition. Thank you.”

Dean exchanges a look with Sam, who shrugs and they start to move towards the door with everyone else.

“Castiel”, a voice behind them calls and they turn to see Alex hurrying towards them.

Dean supresses a groan and wants to tell the other two that they should just go upstairs, but then he sees Cas offer Alex a genuine smile, so he refrains.

“Castiel, I’m glad you’re okay. I heard the news about Rogelio and then I realised you were still gone, so I was worried.”, Alex says earnestly and Castiel smiles again. Dean’s stomach twists. There definitely must have been something wrong with those sandwiches.

“Thank you for your concern, Alex. I am fine though, I was just outside with Dean.”

Alex nods. “Oh, good.”, he says, but it doesn’t ring quite true. “Well, I’ll leave you in your team’s capable hands and see you _later_ then.” With that slightly pointed statement, he heads off across the lobby and outside with the other contestants.

Dean watches Cas watch him leave with a smile still on the former angel’s face.

“C’mon Cas, let’s go back to the room so we can start looking into what this could be.”, Dean says, nudging his friend. Sam nods in agreement and they head back to the hotel, where Dean lets himself into his and Sam’s room.

Cas surveys the two beds and then turns to Dean with a bemused look on his face. “I thought you were given a room each.”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah, that’s only for the contestants, coaches have to share. But it’s fine. There’s two beds so I don’t have to deal with Sammy’s nocturnal clinginess.”

Sam rolls his eyes, grabbing his laptop and making himself comfortable on one of the beds. Castiel huffs a laugh and goes to sit on the other bed. Sam pulls a wadded up tissue from his pocket and tosses it at Cas.

“Gross Sammy, don’t chuck your used tissues at poor Cas.”, Dean says and Cas recoils a little from the offending item.

Sam throws Dean one of his finest bitch faces. “Don’t be disgusting, Dean. It has one of the leaves in it, I thought Cas could take a look at it. Maybe he knows what plant it’s from.”

Cas carefully unravels the wad of tissue and pulls out a small, pointed leaf with jagged edges.

“Do you know what plant it’s from?”, Dean asks, sitting down next to Cas. The former angel furrows his brow, but nods.

“Yes, I believe it is from a myrrh tree.”

Sam frowns. “Myrrh? Like in the bible?”

Cas nods. “Yes, this leaf is from the tree from which one extracts the resin which one can use to make incense and the like.”

Dean takes the leaf from him to give it a closer look, his fingers briefly brushing Cas’. “So what does it mean?”

“Apart from the obvious biblical implications? No idea.”, Sam shrugs.

“What do you think, Cas? If it’s biblical, could it be angels?”

Cas slowly shakes his head. “No. My brothers and sisters would have no use for such a leaf. It has no magical properties as such and was only used for anointing by ancient believers.”

Sam looks stumped, but immediately starts clicking away at his laptop.

“Cas, why don’t you try performing that spell on it, you know the one that reveals traces of magic?”, Sam suggests without looking up from his laptop.

Cas nods. “Alright. I’ll need to go get some of the ingredients from my bag. It’s upstairs.” He gets up to go, but Dean’s head is suddenly filled with images of Cas running into Alex upstairs. That guy is a massive douche and Cas clearly doesn’t understand why he needs to avoid humans like that, so Dean jumps to his feet and says: “Let me go get it Cas, it’ll give me an opportunity to check out the upstairs for any, um, suspicious activity.”

Castiel smiles at him. “Okay, Dean. Here’s my key.”

Dean takes the little plastic card and quickly exits the room. He takes the lift up to the next floor and heads to room 1268. The door unlocks with a beep and Dean enters.

The rack of clothing that Don brought is still in the middle of the room, next to a massive case of beauty products. Dean doesn’t even know what half of them are for.

He spots Cas’ duffle bag in the corner and heaves it onto the bed, unzipping it. There’s a load of t-shirts that Dean remembers Sam buying for Cas and a bathroom bag right on top and he unceremoniously dumps them on the bed. He clears out more clothes and finally finds Cas’ bag of spell ingredients under Dean’s own copy of “Cat’s Cradle”. He pulls the little leather bag out and accidentally knocks the book to the floor, dislodging photographs that Cas had apparently been keeping in there.

Dean smiles as he looks at the photos. There’s one of an extremely grumpy looking Claire who clearly did not want to have her picture taken, another of Castiel with Charlie and Sam, their faces squished together, and one of Sam and Eileen smiling beatifically at each other. Then there’s a photo of Sam and Cas leaning on Baby with their arms around each other. Dean recognises that one – he’s the one who took it. The light of the setting sun had hit Castiel just right and he looked more angelic than he ever had – even without glowing eyes and wings – that Dean just needed to have a picture of him. He had realised that that would have been a weird thing to ask, so he told Sam and Cas to pose for the picture together. Later, Cas had asked for a copy.

He gathers the photos together and carefully slides them back into the book. He can’t help but notice that there isn’t a picture of him among Cas’ collection and the realisation makes something in his chest ache. He doesn’t often pose for photos, but he knows Sam has taken plenty of candids over the years – why didn’t Cas ask for one of those? Was Dean not important enough to want a picture of?

He is shaken from his melancholy thoughts by a sharp rap on the door. Hiding the leather bag of ingredients behind his back, Dean goes to answer the door. He opens it to find a man standing there, he has dark hair and pale blue eyes with a smattering of freckles across his nose. 

“Um, hi. Sorry, I thought this was Castiel, the Kansas candidate's room.”, Freckles says nervously.

“It is.”, Dean says curtly and Freckles backs up a little.

“Right, um, is he in?”

Dean shakes his head. “No. He’s downstairs for, ah, extra coaching.”

Freckles smiles. The thought that he’s actually kind of cute, crosses Dean’s head for fleeting moment before he banishes it. Winchesters don’t think that way about other guys.

“Oh, alright then. I just came to ask him if he wanted to come down to the spa with us this afternoon before the competition. About half of us are going at two.”

“Competition?”, Dean asks stupidly and Freckles laughs.

“Yeah, the first swimsuit competition is tonight.”

Dean’s a little caught off guard by that. Somehow he had assumed there wouldn’t be one for the men. “Right. The – the swimsuit comp – wait that’s tonight?”

Freckles laughs again. “Yeah, there’s two of them. One preliminary one and then one at the semi-finals in two days’ time.”

Dean nods. “Oh okay, that makes sense. Well, I’ll let Cas know you came by. What did you say your name was again?”

The other man smiles. “I didn’t say actually. I’m Max, the contestant from Idaho. And you are?”

Dean shakes hands with Max. “Um, Dean. I’m Cas’ coach for um, the interviews and stuff.”

“Right, well I guess I’ll see you around then.”, Max says before heading down the hallway.

Dean watches him walk away and then remembers he was only supposed to be getting Cas’ spell stuff and hurries back downstairs.

He lets himself into his room and Sam and Cas look up when he enters.

“Dean, what took you so long?”

Dean shrugs at his brother and nods at Cas. “S’not my fault this one keeps his bag in such a mess. Oh and some guy stopped by, wanted to know if Cas wanted to go to the spa with him and some others before the _swimsuit competition_.”

He pointedly emphasises the last words, but either the other two didn’t notice or they don’t care. Cas just takes the bag of ingredients off him and starts pulling out various sachets of herbs and powders and putting them on the small table in the corner of the room.

“It’s nice of them to invite you Cas, you should go. At the very least you might find out if one of them has noticed anything strange.”, Sam says, tapping away at his laptop again. Cas nods, but doesn’t say anything.

Sam shoves his laptop at Dean, pulling a huge leatherbound book from his bag. “Here, you do background searches on the contestants and coaches. There’s a list here. I’ll see if I can find something in the lore about myrrh.”

Dean sighs and sits on the bed Cas had vacated with Sam’s laptop. It’s boring work and more often than not Dean finds himself watching Cas’ long, nimble fingers crushing herbs and sprinkling powders instead of running names. The former angel mutters a long series of words that Dean thinks might be Enochian and then turns to look right at Dean. Dean quickly drops his eyes back to the laptop.

“The spell is ready now.”, Castiel announces and Sam puts down his ridiculously large book as Castiel walks over to the brothers with the leaf in one hand and a bowl of… mush in the other. He sits down next to Dean, who automatically scoots down the bed, even though Cas had left enough room between them. It became a reflex back when Castiel was still an angel with no idea about personal space, but now Dean almost misses that Castiel. Sometimes he wishes the concept of personal space hadn't been so deeply ingrained in Cas by he himself.

Castiel dips a finger in the paste in the bowl and gently rubs it on the leaf. “Dean, can you hand me that powder?”, Cas asks, pointing at a little sachet still lying on the table. Dean grabs it and hands it to him.

“Ew Cas, you got that stuff on me.”, he says, rubbing the little bit of paste that had transferred from Cas between his fingers. Cas ignores him, sprinkling the powder on the leaf. Then he says something that sounds like “Fran Hoss No”, and the whole leaf glows gold. The residue of paste on Cas’ fingers glows too, a bright blue, almost exactly the same shade as his eyes used to be.

“Cas, why are you glowing?”, Sam asks. Cas looks down at his fingers in surprise, then smiles sadly.

“The spell must be able to detect some residual grace from my time as an angel.”, he says quietly and Sam nods.

“That makes sense… but then why is Dean glowing?”

Dean looks down at his own hands and sees the paste glowing the same colour as Cas’. “Woah.”, he says. He looks up at Cas and if he didn’t know any better, he’d say the ex-angel was blushing.

“I don’t know why Dean’s glowing. Probably because the spell touched my hand first. Now can we get back to the leaf?” Cas gestures at the leaf which is still glowing a warm gold colour.

Sam frowns. “Um yeah. Sorry. What does gold mean?”

“Divinity.” Cas says simply.

Dean blinks. “Divinity. As in God? As in Chuck?”

Castiel rolls his eyes at what he clearly considers a stupid question. “No. Then it would be glowing blue like me or – Well in any case, it means the leaf is connected to a divine being of some sort. Most likely a pagan God. Norse, Egyptian or possibly Greek.”

Sam looks weirdly excited at the mention of gods and immediately starts paging through his large book again.

Cas leaves to wash up his bowl and Dean goes back to running background checks.

He’s made his way through another ten names and avoided staring at Cas more than necessary when he becomes aware of the fact that someone is staring at him. He looks up and sees Cas looking right at him. Unlike the personal space thing, Cas still hasn’t mastered the art of not staring.

“What’s up Cas?”, Dean asks and the ex-angel blinks.

“Sorry Dean, I didn’t mean to stare.”

Dean shoots him a smile. “Don’t worry about it, buddy. Happens to us all sometimes.” Over on his own bed, Sam snorts and Dean throws him a filthy look before turning back to Cas. “So what’s up?”

“I was just wondering… Who was it? I mean, who came to ask me to go to the spa?”, Cas asks shyly.

“Oh.”

“I just – Was it… was it Alex?”

“No! Um.” Dean clears his throat. “I mean, no, it wasn’t him. It was some guy called Max. From Idaho, I think.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Did you – did you want it to be Alex?”

Cas is saved from answering, by Sam’s phone ringing obnoxiously loudly.

“Hello? Oh, hi Eileen. Let me just go outside.” Sam goes out into the hallway, taking his phone with him.

Cas and Dean sit in silence for a moment. “Um, Max said that they were going down at two, but you should probably have lunch first. Do you want to just order room service?”, Dean asks and Cas nods. “Right, I’ll um, go get the menu then.”

Dean goes over to the little table and digs around in the little welcome package that comes with the room. He reads out the menu to Cas, who wrinkles his nose at the description of the mushroom risotto and picks a burger instead. Dean feels very proud and almost tells Cas as much, before deciding that's probably a weird thing to do.

Since Sam is still on the phone, Dean hazards a guess as to what his brother might want and calls down to reception to place their order.

Just as he hangs up, Sam re-enters the room. “Hello Sam, how is Eileen?”, Cas asks him and Sam’s face lights up.

“She’s good. Actually, she’s just finished up a case in Wichita Falls and was thinking of stopping by this evening and maybe staying to help us with the case.”

Dean narrows his eyes. “The hotel is booked up, where is she going to stay?”

Sam raises his hands. “Listen Dean, I was thinking about that and maybe the three of us can just share the room.”

Dean shakes his head. “What, so I can listen to you two doing… well you know! Nope, not happening. Just switch rooms with Cas.”

“I thought about that, but it’ll be weird if Cas isn’t on the same floor as the other contestants.”, Sam says, looking at Dean pleadingly.

Dean glares at him. “So my only choices are to what? Either cockblock you and Eileen – or even worse not cockblock you – or go and sleep in Baby?”

Sam looks helpless, but then Cas quietly clears his throat. “You could come and share with me, Dean. We did it last night and this bed is much bigger.”

“Oh, um thanks Cas, but I really don’t think…”

Cas looks downcast. “No, I completely understand, sharing with me isn’t ideal.”

Dean flushes in shame. “Cas, no. It’s fine. I really appreciate the offer. I’ll share with you tonight and then tomorrow morning we can see if the hotel can give us an extra room, okay?”

Cas nods, his face brightening a little.

There’s a knock on the door and Sam opens it to find a concierge with their food.

The have their lunch and then Cas goes upstairs to change into his own baggy swimming trunks and get the hotel supplied robe and slippers.

When he returns, Sam eyes him critically. “You know Cas, I was thinking. You should probably get a wax while you’re at the spa.”

“Wax?”

“Yeah, get your chest done. So it looks good for the swimsuit competition tonight. None of the other contestants will have hairy chests.”, Sam explains and Cas opens his robe to look down at his chest. Dean’s mouth is suddenly very dry, but then again, the fries he had with his burger were a little on the salty side. Cas really isn’t that hairy, and Dean thinks the sparse amount he does have, kind of suits him.

“C’mon Sam, do you really want to put the poor guy through that? No man needs to dehair his chest.”, he says to his brother.

Sam sighs. “Dean, I really don’t have time to explain to you how toxic that view of masculinity is. Just because you don’t remove your chest hair –”

Dean can tell his brother is gearing up for a rant and he is already trying to come up with a way to shut him up, when Cas says: “Dean does.”

Sam’s mouth shuts with an audible click. “What does Dean do?”

Castiel blinks at him. “Dean shaves his chest.”

“What? No I don’t!”, Dean splutters at the ex-angel and Castiel frowns at him, as if he can smell the lie.

“Dean, I rebuilt your body myself. I know you are not naturally hairless, and yet I have never seen you with a hairy chest.” Castiel says matter-of-factly, smiling faintly and Dean blushes to his roots at the thought of Cas knowing his body as intimately as he seems to.

Sam grins evilly. “Well Dean, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“Shut up Sam. Cas, go get a wax. Shouldn’t you be heading down to the spa now anyway?”, Dean says angrily and Cas’ smile slides off his face. “Yes, you’re right. I should go.”

Sam gives Dean one of his best Bitchfaces and then throws Cas a friendly smile. “Have fun Cas, try and relax, and see if you can find anything out about the other contestants. We’ll meet you in your room when you’re back to help you get ready before the competition.”

Cas nods, but can’t seem to muster a smile, then he leaves the room, quietly closing the door behind himself.

Sam rounds on him the minute the door shuts. “What the hell has gotten into you, Dean? You’re acting like a jealous boyfriend one second and a major douchebag the next!”

Dean glowers at him. “Nothing’s wrong with me Sam. Maybe if the two of you would just get off my back for a minute –”

“No Dean.”, Sam says, interrupting him. “You’re the one who needs to get off Cas' back and grow up. Either you stop acting like a jealous boyfriend and more like a friend who will support Cas, especially with making friends or you…” Sam trails off, muttering something under his breath.

“Or I what, Sam?”

Sam sighs. “Forget it. Just be nice to Cas – and at the least civil to his new friends. This could be good for him, a chance to gain new experiences.”

Dean shoots his brother a dirty look. He isn’t sure what new experiences Cas needs that they haven’t offered him already. If it was about Cas hooking up, he’d already helped him with that. About three weeks after Cas became human, Dean had taken him to a bar with plenty of willing partners and Cas hadn’t seemed interested in any of them. Dean had put it down as an angel thing and moved on.

“Whatever, Sam. Just quit your bitching and let me finish the background checks. I’ll check the rooms of the ones with any red flags during the contest tonight.”

Sam agrees quietly and the two of them tentatively settle into their usual research routine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, did I come up with a reason for Dean and Cas to share a bed again? Yes. Yes I did and I have no regrets.  
> Hope you enjoyed this, I'll hopefully have the next chapter up tomorrow. Be prepared for a jealous Dean trying very hard not to be jealous, Cas in a very small swim suit, bedsharing and the arrival of Eileen!


	5. Just to break my own fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all sign language is written in bold text  
> TWs: Mention of panic attacks, the usual swearing, mild violence and gore, description of blood, nightmares, internalised homophobia and um.. masturbation  
> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> Chapter title from the Regina Spektor song "Fidelity"

Castiel carefully shuts the door behind him and takes a deep breath. He can hear Sam shouting at Dean and hurries away from the door, he really doesn’t want to hear what they’re fighting about.

He thought after the conversation he had with Dean outside the convention centre that morning, that things were back to normal. Dean had seemed genuinely concerned about him – although he couldn’t quite work out why – and he wasn’t even angry that Cas knew about his panic attacks.

But afterwards, there were so many strange, awkward moments. Dean seemed so… annoyed by Alex – even the mention of him – and it was clear how uncomfortable he was with having to share a bed with Cas yet again. Maybe Dean could tell Cas liked Alex and therefore not just women? Maybe Dean could tell that men like Alex weren’t what he really wanted – never would be –  and that’s why he was so uncomfortable. Even as an angel, Castiel had understood love and he had known with perfect clarity from the moment he met Dean, that all other love he had heretofore experienced paled in comparison to what he felt for the righteous man. But now, after living among humans he also understood the constructs of sexuality and society’s view of them and he knew that Dean was what humans called “straight” and unless Castiel switched vessels – an option that was no longer open to him – Dean would never want to be with Cas.

On top of that, there was the incident with the spell. Castiel wasn’t sure he had convinced the brothers that the paste touching him first was the reason Dean was glowing, but considering Dean’s distrust of Heaven and angels, how could he tell him the real reason?

He presses the button for the lift and almost immediately the doors open with a small “ping”.

“Hello Castiel.” Alex is in the lift with Michigan, and three other men, all of whom are dressed in the same robes as he is.

Castiel smiles at him. “Oh, hello Alex.” He steps into the lift and the doors close.

“Hi, I’m Max from Idaho.”, one of the men says, extending his hand towards Cas. “I’m glad you could make it, I went to your room earlier, but you weren’t there. I spoke to one of your coaches – Dean?”

Castiel shakes the proffered hand. “Yes, he told me. Thank you for inviting me.”

Max gives him a wide smile. “So, what are you having done at the spa?”

Castiel isn’t really sure what one does at the spa, but he knows what Sam told him he should do so he says: “Um… wax?”

“Are you asking us, or telling us?”, Michigan – Castiel still can’t remember his name – asks sarcastically. Castiel flushes but he notices the other men don’t laugh, in fact they all seem to be glaring at Michigan.

“What sort of wax are you having done, Castiel?”, Max asks kindly.

Cas offers him a nervous smile. “Well, Sam –my stylist – suggested I get a chest wax.”

One of the other men nods. “Good idea, I need one myself. I really want to look my best for the competition tonight.” The others nod in agreement. “I’m Darren, by the way, from California.” He adds.

“Well, I need a facial!”, another man exclaims and Alex gives him a flirtatious smile.

“Mind if I join you, Harry?”, he asks and Harry blushes.

Just then the doors open again and they all pour out into a cool atrium with sand-coloured marble floors and a faux waterfall running down one wall. There’s a woman dressed in a white uniform who gives them a genial smile.

“Welcome to the Athens Spa, my name is Theodora. What can I do for you today?”, she says in a deep, melodic voice.

“Castiel and I would like a chest wax.”, Darren says before anyone else can speak. Theodora nods. The others reel off their requests that contain words that Cas knows individually but can’t place together and for the life of him can’t work out how they relate to beauty such as “hot stones”, “seaweed wraps” and “sage sauna”.

Several more women dressed in similar uniforms appear and Darren and Castiel follow one of them to a hallway with dim, soothing lighting. There, they are lead into two separate rooms so Cas doesn’t get the chance to get to know him better.

The waxing is… one of the more unpleasant experiences of his very, very long life. He had understood the mechanics of course, but the reality was a lot more painful than he expected and the Russian woman who was dehairing him had very little sympathy.

He finally exits the room with a bare, stinging chest, just moments before Darren leaves his own room. His robe is open and his extremely muscled chest is a little red. Cas can’t help but stare a little, even though the man’s physique is more like Sam’s than the slightly softer looking chest and abdomen Dean has.

“Hello again, Castiel. How was your wax?”, Darren asks. Cas grimaces in response and he laughs. “Yeah, that’s about right. I’m going to head to the steam room, to help prevent ingrown hairs, do you want to come?”

Cas agrees and follows him down the hallway. They hang up their robes before entering, letting out a huge billow of steam when they open the door.

“Hello you two.” Cas hears a friendly voice say. Through the steam he can just make out Max’ smiling face.

Darren and Cas say their hellos and find seats on the benches. Cas has to admit that he finds it kind of relaxing. It’s warm and the steam smells pleasantly of herbs.

Darren and Max chat about the upcoming competition, about how they’ve been practising their poses, about their families coming to watch.

The conversation peters off a little when they’re joined by Michigan, but picks up again when Alex and Harry appear. Harry looks a little flustered, while Alex looks exceptionally pleased with himself.

Cas suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to be finding out if any of them had anything to do with the murders.

“It’s terrible what happened to those other contestants.” He says bluntly and Darren stops talking mid-sentence.

Alex nods sombrely and Harry looks downcast. “Yeah, Rogelio was really nice too.”

“Does anyone know what happened yet?”, Cas asks and they all shake their heads.

Suddenly, Michigan speaks up. “I heard the police officers talking earlier, they think it was one of the judges.”

“The judges?”, Darren asks incredulously. “Why?”

Michigan leans forward, as if to avoid being overheard. “Well, I heard that a lot of them are being fired. They’re getting too old and they could get much younger ones for a lot less money too.”

“That’s terrible, some of them have been part of the pageant circuit for over ten years. I can’t imagine the competition without people like Don and Heidi.”, Max says and everyone nods.

Castiel frowns. “But why would that mean they killed Rogelio? How would that help them?”

“It could ruin the network and the competition hosts. Nobody wants to take part in a competition where the contestants get murdered.”, Michigan says and the others murmur agreement.

“Well, that’s put a real dampener on things.”, Harry says and there’s nervous laughter from the men. Then Darren brings up swimsuit colours and the topic of murders is forgotten.

They sit for another 10 minutes and then Max announces that he needs to go shower and get ready.

Castiel exits the steam room with Alex, quickly shrugging into his robe, and together they return to the lifts. Alex presses the button for their floor and then says: “So, you and Dean.”

“What about us?”, Castiel asks for lack of a better response.

Alex grins, he really does have a pretty smile, although it lacks Dean’s warmth. “Are you dating?”

Cas’ stomach drops at the mere thought of Dean ever finding out about this conversation. “Um no, we are just friends.”, he tells Alex, who smiles wider. The lift doors open and they step out. Cas makes his way to his room, Alex still trailing behind him. “Well, this is me.”, Cas says, pulling out his key, but Alex wraps long, soft fingers around his wrist.

“Wait a second, Castiel. I just have one more question…” Cas nods his assent and Alex continues. “If you and Dean aren’t an item, does that mean I can do this?” And with that he plants his lips firmly against Castiel’s. For the first time ever, Cas thinks he might be grateful for his night with April, because it means he knows how to respond to being kissed, even if Alex isn’t the man he wants to be kissing.

They part, slightly breathless, and Alex winks at him. “I’ll see you at the competition then.”

Then he turns on his heel and walks down the hallway to his own room.

Cas shakes his head as if to clear it and unlocks his door. The first thing he does, is shed his robe and damp shorts and head into the shower. He isn’t ashamed exactly, of wrapping his hand around himself under the warm spray. He is ashamed, however, of Alex’ face rapidly turning into that of a green-eyed hunter, and of the fact that the name on his lips when he comes is Dean’s and no one else’s.

He has just finished drying himself off, when there’s a knock on the door. He has the presence of mind to throw on his robe – Dean had told him that humans don’t appreciate other people being naked unless they want to have sex with them – and then goes to answer the door.

“Cas!” Eileen says out loud, hugging him enthusiastically. Castiel returns the hug – however unexpected it may be and then steps back to let her and Sam into the room.

 **Are you ready for tonight?** Eileen signs and Cas looks over to see what Sam is doing – rummaging in the beauty case – before he answers: **I’m very nervous. I’m not sure I look the part.**

Eileen frowns and – her hands flying – says: **Cas you are a very good looking man. You have a good body, you’ll be absolutely fine! Besides you have Sam and Dean to help you!**

Cas wrings his hands a little, turning again to make sure that Sam is definitely not paying attention, before signing. **I’m not sure about that. Dean seems… very angry with me and I don’t know why, or how to change it.**

Eileen raises her hands to answer, but then Sam turns and says: “Hey Cas, come over here before your hair dries.” Cas obediently goes and sits on the bed in front of Sam, who rubs some kind of foam in his hair, then plugs in a hair dryer and blows hot air on his head which makes him wriggle. “Hold still Cas, or you won’t end up with nice waves.”

Across the room, Eileen snorts and Cas knows she must have been lip-reading again. Sam finishes blow-drying his hair and then grabs a brush and a little tub that says “wax” on the lid.

“Wait, you are not waxing my hair off!”, Castiel says, moving out of range of Sam’s arms.

Sam laughs. “No, it’s not that kind of wax. This one helps hair keep its shape.”

“Oh. That is unnecessarily confusing.” But nonetheless, Cas gestures for Sam to continue and the other man starts running his fingers through his hair, twisting and tousling it to his liking.

“There.”, he says. **What do you think, sweetie?** He asks Eileen, who gives two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Sam smiles at her, then crosses over to the rack of clothing. He rummages through it and grabs a hanger with a very small pair of blue shorts on it. “Here. Go put this on”, he says, throwing the shorts at Cas.

Castiel eyes them suspiciously, but goes into the bathroom to change. He pulls on the shorts and looks at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t think that he has ever seen Sam or Dean wear trousers this short and he isn’t sure he enjoys the feeling of being so… naked – especially if he is expected to go out in public, in front of TV cameras like this.

“Sam?”, he calls through the door.

“Yeah?”

“I feel stupid.”

“Just come out and show us.”, Sam replies.

Castiel sighs, but pushed open the door anyway and walks out into the room.

Sam blinks a couple of times. “Wow.”, he says.

Eileen grins at him. **Those are very short.**

 **I know.** Cas scowls at her.

She grins even wider. **They’re so, so short. Like “Armie Hammer in _Call Me By Your Name_ ” short.**

Cas groans and flops onto the bed. He feels Sam pat his shoulder comfortingly. “C’mon, they’re not that bad, Cas. You look good, right Eileen?”

“Yeah.”, he hears her say.

“Now get off the bed, you’re ruining your hair.”, Sam says, poking him sharply in the side. Cas groans again and hauls himself off the bed. Sam brandishes a bottle of heaven-knows-what at him and then sprays it on his chest.

 **What’s that?** Eileen asks from across the room.

Sam holds the bottle up to show her. “It’s oil. For his abs” Then he starts rubbing it in. “There. Now, how are you going to pose?”

Cas frowns at him “I thought Dean was supposed to coach me on that kind of thing. Where is Dean? Is he okay?”

Sam waves away his concern. “Yeah, yeah, he’s fine. He’s just finishing up those background checks and then he’ll go snoop in people’s rooms during the competition.”

“So he’s not going to be there?”, Cas asks and Eileen looks at him in concern, but Sam just shakes his head, then pulls out his phone to show him pictures of extremely handsome men posing in various states of undress.

“Okay, do a walk from the window to your bed. Then pose in front of Eileen when you get there.”

Castiel stiffly walks from the window to the bed and stops about a foot away from Eileen. She giggles and he sighs.

“Cas, you’re too stiff. Try relaxing and walking normally, then when you get to Eileen, just turn your body away from her a little, and smile over your shoulder at her.”

Cas tries again and Eileen manages not to laugh this time, even though he can tell she really wants to.

Sam gives him an encouraging smile. “That was good, now try not to twist your neck so much and smile.”

Cas tries to follow his advice and this time Eileen blushes a little.

Sam claps. “Good! Now, maybe don’t stand so close to my girlfriend.” Eileen rolls his eyes and throws a pillow at him. “Okay Cas, let’s get you in your robe and we can head across to the convention centre.”

Together the three of them make their way into the lift, through the lobby and across the road into the convention centre. It’s actually only a short walk and Cas isn’t entirely sure why they were chauffeured to breakfast on a bus.

There’s a man in a waistcoat waiting for them in front of the centre, ready to show the backstage. He shows them down a long hallway and into a huge room full of lights, mirrors and nervous contestants with their coaches.

Harry waves at him as he enters and Cas returns the wave. A harried looking woman - also in a waistcoat - rushes over to him, brandishing a clipboard and thrusts a sash at Sam. “Kansas, right?”, she asks and the minute Sam nods, she’s rushing over to the next contestant.

 **Let me take your robe, Cas.** Eileen signs to him and he undresses, handing the garment to her. Sam pins the sash, with the word Kansas embroidered on it, around him and then squeezes his shoulder encouragingly.

Eileen hugs him again. **Good luck! You’re going to do great! And don’t forget to smile!** , she signs as there’s a call for all the contestants to gather around the woman in the waistcoat.

“Contestants, listen up!”, the woman says. “You’re going to line up, in the alphabetical order of the state you represent. When your name and state is called, you walk out that door, and onto the stage. You walk to the front of the stage, do your pose and then walk back off the stage in the opposite direction to which you came on. Do you understand? Do not come back the way you came! You’ll throw off the other contestants.” She walks over to the door she mentioned, opens it and pulls out her clipboard. Through the open door, Cas can hear the roar of a crowd. He turns to see Sam giving him a thumbs up as the woman starts yelling states. “Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas…”

Cas gets in line between Iowa and Kentucky. He smiles at the contestant from Iowa – he recognises him from breakfast – but gets nothing in return.

His hands start to shake a little as the first contestant is called and one by one, head out onto the stage. He nears the door and takes a deep breath as the announcer calls: “Benedict Poynter – Iowaaaa.”, and the man in front of him walks out, smiling widely.

Castiel fixes a smile on his face, as the announcer says: “From Lebanon, Kansas, put your hands together for Castieeel Biddick!” He walks through the door as confidently as he can, still smiling and walks towards where Benedict from Iowa has just finished posing. The lights are blinding and if they weren’t screaming, he wouldn’t know the crowd was there. He can just about make out the five judges, Don among them, between two sets of cameras. He turns his body away from them and then turns to look back at the woman in the middle of the panel, flashing her a smile and a wink the way he’d seen Dean do often, before turning away and walking off to the opposite side of the stage.

He walks through a door that leads him back into the huge dressing room. Sam and Eileen are waiting for him next to a screen that’s broadcasting the competition. Eileen wraps her arms around him for the third time that day, beaming at him. **You did so well! I thought that judge was going to faint, when you winked at her.**

Cas smiles at her and looks to Sam for confirmation of what she said. He grins at him. “She’s right, you did amazingly Cas!”

They stay to watch the others on the screen and after a few moments, Max and Darren join them, each of them congratulating Castiel on his performance, so he does the same to them. Then he introduces them to Sam and Eileen.

They watch as one by one the contestants walk out in the same sort of shorts as Cas is wearing and then pose for the judges. Castiel thinks – although he must admit that he’s not entirely unbiased – that Alex is by far the best. His physique is flawless, his hair is slicked back to emphasise his cheekbones and he moves more gracefully than anyone else. Castiel is almost completely sure that the judge he winked at swooned when Alex posed for them.

When he comes off stage, he heads straight for Cas and hugs him. “Castiel, wasn’t this amazing? Isn’t this the most fun you’ve ever had?”

“Um, sure.”, Cas says. He isn’t sure that fun is what he would call the whole experienced but Alex’ energy is infectious.

“Hey! Kansas, Rhode Island, Idaho, California!” The woman in the waistcoat is back. She shoves a bag at each of them and then rushes away.

“Cool!”, Max says, looking in his bag. Castiel looks inside his own and sees a grey hoodie and a matching pair of sweatpants. He pulls the clothing out and sees that the hoodie has “Kansas” emblazoned across the chest in bold, black lettering, while the sweatpants have the state written down the side of one leg.

Cas realises he’s still just standing about in his very small swimsuit and follows Darren’s lead, taking off his sash and pulling on his new clothing. The sweatpants are a little roomy, so they keep sliding down his hips, but he feels a lot warmer.

“What do you say we go next door and get some dinner?”, Alex asks, slinging an arm around Cas’ shoulders. Both Sam and Eileen raise their eyebrows almost simultaneously, but Cas doesn’t get to answer, because Max and Darren have already enthusiastically agreed and they are all moving towards the room they had breakfast in.

There’s a huge buffet laid out for them and they all stack their plates high. There are other contestants and coaches eating – mostly separate – and Max explains that usually the coaches are industry professionals who are hired before the competitions, so the contestants aren’t really friends with them.

They enjoy their dinner, with the other men talking about their lives back home. It turns Max’ brother is deaf so he knows ASL and spends most of the dinner talking to Eileen.

They sit for a long time after they’ve finished, but eventually Max announces he's tired and they decide to all head to bed. Before they leave, Cas goes to the buffet and wraps up some food to bring back to Dean, who texted Sam to say that he was too tired to come to dinner, but would meet them back at the room.

Cas gently declines Alex’ offer of an escort back to the hotel, he isn’t sure he wants his attraction to men waved in Dean’s face.

“So, Alex.”, Sam says as they walk back to the hotel, signing at the same time.

Eileen elbows him and tries to sign off to one side, so Cas won’t see, but she isn’t successful. **Shut up Sam!** She signs and it sounds remarkably like Dean, even though she isn’t speaking.

Sam grins, but doesn’t give up. “I just want to know if you like him.”

Cas looks down at his feet. “He’s very nice.”

They walk in silence until they reach the hotel, but the Sam speaks, once again simultaneously signing and talking for Eileen’s benefit. “You know there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Liking men?”

Cas looks up at him surprise. Dean had never said it was wrong, but he had never seemed to look on it favourably. “I know there’s nothing wrong with it, my Father had better things to do than care about that sort of thing. I just didn’t know… if you knew that.”

They get into the lift and Sam turns Cas to look at him. “Cas, I don’t care about that sort of thing, neither does Eileen.”

“Does Dean?”, Cas asks, even though he’s a little afraid of the answer.

Sam sighs. “Dean, he… he listened to a lot of the things our dad said. A lot of stuff about how men should and shouldn’t act. It affected him in ways that even I don’t understand. But no – he doesn’t care, because he lo- he cares about you a lot. So you… liking men exclusively or equally, won’t change the way he sees you. I promise.”

The lift doors open and Cas follows Sam and Eileen to their room. Sam’s words have lifted a weight off his chest, and he feels lighter than he has in months. Sam unlocks the door and they step in, expecting to see Dean, but the room is empty.

 **Oh. He must already be upstairs.** Eileen says and Sam nods in agreement.

Cas clutches the plate of food he is holding in one hand and does his best to sign with the other. **In that case, I’ll say goodnight. Sleep well.**

Sam smiles at him and Eileen signs goodnight back.

Cas leaves them and heads up to his own floor. He unlocks his door and steps into the dark room, flicking on the light.

“Huh? What?”, Dean is sitting upright on the bed, his hair sleep-mussed, pointing a gun at him. He must have been asleep until Cas woke him. He finally realises it’s just Cas and puts the gun down. “Oh. Hey buddy, how was the competition?”

Cas smiles at him. “It was good. Here, I brought you some food.” He holds out the plate, which Dean grabs happily.

“Thanks Cas, I’m starving. How was dinner? Did you get to sit with people you liked?”, he asks, already hungrily tucking in.

Cas smiles again. “It was very nice. Sam and Eileen seemed to get on with everyone.”

“That’s good.”, Dean says, continuing to eat. Then he suddenly stops chewing. “Was, um, was Alex there?” Castiel nods and expects a snarky comment, but apart from Dean clenching his jaw a couple times, he does nothing. Cas grabs pyjamas and fresh underwear from his bag, which he notices Dean has laid his own next to and heads to the bathroom to get changed and get ready for bed. When he returns only a few minutes later, Dean has already demolished the food on the plate and crawled under the covers.

“Hey, um, thanks for letting me stay. I’m sorry for being such a jerk about it earlier.”, the hunter says quietly.

Cas offers him a little smile as he slides into bed next to him. “Don’t worry about it. Did you find anything on the other candidates?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah, the only ones who flagged because of police records were Michigan and Delaware – strangely enough, both for public urination – and Vermont for drunk driving. But their rooms and electronics were clean although Michigan has a seriously _weird_ search history.”

Cas snorts and he can feel Dean sniggering next to him. He rolls over and turns out the light.

“Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

 

 

_Cas is in Heaven, Naomi is with him. Surrounding him are hundreds of dead Deans._

_“Again!”, Naomi orders and Cas shakes his head, begging her not to make him do this. “Again, Castiel.”_

_There’s a new Dean in front of him – his face battered and bruised –  pleading with him not to kill him. Cas raises his hand and plunges his angel blade into his heart. Dean drops to the ground, blood gushing from his wound. Naomi vanishes and Cas falls to his knees beside Dean, cradling his head to his chest._

_“I’m sorry, Dean, I’m so sorry.”_

_All around him, Deans bleed, covering the white floor in sticky, red blood._

_“I’m sorry.”_

“Cas!” _Someone calls his name. He continues to clutch Dean to his chest._

_“I’m sorry Dean. Please, I didn’t want to do it.”_

“Cas!”

_Castiel continues to sob. “I’m sorry!”_

“Cas! Wake up!”

 

With a gasp, Castiel jolts awake, tears still streaming down his face. Someone is holding him – Dean.

“Dean! Are you okay? I’m so sorry, she made me do it, I never wanted to hurt you.” Cas flails blindly in the gloom, finding Dean’s face and touching it, trying to find the wounds he inflicted.

Dean grabs his hands, pulling them from his face. He cups Cas’ face with one hand and Cas sinks into the touch, still sobbing.

“Cas, I’m fine. You’re fine. You just had a bad dream.”, the hunter tells him and Cas reaches out to touch his chest – he just needs to feel that his heart is beating.

“You – you’re okay?”, he asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine, bab – buddy. I’m fine buddy.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah Cas, I’m fine.”

Cas breathes a sigh of relief and lets go of Dean.

“I’m sorry.”, he says and in the half-darkness, he can see Dean shake his head.

“Don’t be sorry, Cas. It happens to us all.”

Cas takes another deep breath, trying to calm himself.

Dean reaches out and puts a warm hand on his shoulder. “Do you think you can try and sleep again?”

Cas nods, then realises that Dean probably can’t see him. “Um, yes, I think so.”

“Good, try and get some rest. You’ll need it for tomorrow.”

They both lie down again with a respectable distance between them, but every time Cas closes his eyes he sees Dean dead and they fly open again.

He just needs to convince himself that Dean is okay. There was a time, he wouldn’t even need to be on the same continent as Dean to know he was alive. Now, he just shuffles a little closer to the hunter and slowly inches his outstretched hand towards him. The tips of his fingers just brush Dean’s back, the slightest of touches, but Dean rolls over to face him anyway.

“Cas?”, the hunter whispers and Cas freezes.

“Yes?”, he whispers back.

“Are you okay?”

Castiel isn’t sure how to answer that question so he simply says: “I don’t know.”

Dean sighs and is quiet for so long, Cas thinks he’s gone back to sleep, but then he speaks again. “Cas, if you promise never to mention it to anyone - especially Sam - can I do something?”

Castiel isn’t really sure what Dean wants to do, but he says yes anyway. The next thing he knows, Dean is reaching out and pulling him towards him. The hunter wraps his arms around the ex-angel, tightly holding him to his chest.

“Is this okay?”, Dean whispers and Cas nods against his neck, relaxing for the first time since his nightmare. He’s close enough to feel Dean’s heart beating and the vibrations in his chest when he speaks again. “Good. Now shut up and get some sleep." Castiel thinks that even if this is all he ever gets to have with Dean, it's a hundred times better than kissing Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this!  
> Next chapter will be up, either tomorrow or the day after. There'll be a lot more Eileen, more explicitly jealous Dean who may or may not continue blaming his bodily reactions to Cas on food, plus more of Sam and his absurdly large knowledge of hair products!
> 
> Oh, if anyone was wondering (although you probably weren't) this is where I got my inspiration for the swimsuit competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJmU02W8BPY


	6. God, I wish I could love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As before, sign language is written in bold  
> CWs: the usual swearing, homophobic language, internalised homophobia, coming out,   
> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> Chapter title is from the song "Fragile" by gnash ft. WRENN (give it a listen, to me it's such a destiel song)

Dean wakes up with his arms still wound tightly around Cas. The former angel’s mouth is open a little and his eyes are still red and puffy from last night’s crying. Dean watches as his eyelashes flutter and for a second – just a single second – he forgets himself. He lets his fingers trail across Cas’ face, brushing his fingertips along his cheekbones and against his friend’s lips. But then that second is over and he remembers his father – drunk off his ass, pacing the floor of a grimy motel – ranting and raving about fags and their disgusting ways. “If you ever showed the slightest inclination towards that kind of thing, Dean.”, John had said. “If you ever… well… you’d be no son of mine, understood?”

So Dean carefully unravels himself from Cas and goes to shower. When he returns, Cas is awake, standing beside the bed stretching. The shirt of his dorky pyjamas rides up a little, exposing sharp hipbones and Dean can’t bring himself to look away.

“Good morning.”, Castiel says, his voice rough like sandpaper.

Dean smiles at him. “Morning, Cas. Did you manage to get some sleep after… your dream?”

Cas ducks his head, a light blush colouring his face. “About that… I wanted to apologise. I shouldn’t have woken you.”

Dean shrugs. “It’s okay Cas. S’not like you had a choice in the matter.”

Cas shakes his head. “I know but, after… you didn’t have to do that. Thank you.”

“Cas, you don’t need to thank me. After all, it’s what friends do, right?”

Castiel stares at him for a long tense moment, tilting his head as if Dean were a puzzle he needs to solve, but eventually he nods. “Right.”

Dean dresses when Cas leaves to shower and looks at the itinerary pinned to the rack of clothing. It has “Choreography” pencilled in for 10 am and “Interview” for 5 pm.

“What do I need to do today?”, Castiel asks, emerging from the bathroom in an extremely low-slung pair of sweatpants and nothing else. Dean feels knots tighten in his stomach – probably because he hasn’t eaten today – and stares at Cas until he repeats the question.

“Oh, right. Yes, it says choreography in about an hour, so we can get breakfast first and then you have to do an interview this evening.”

Cas frowns a little, pulling on a t-shirt. “What sort of choreography?”

“I don’t know, sorry bud. I’m sure they’ll show you.”, Dean says with a shrug. “I’ll message Sam and Eileen, let them know we’re heading down to breakfast.” He pulls out his phone and sends a quick text. He pockets it and together they head out of the room.

Dean has just shut the door, when he hears a voice calling Castiel’s name.

“Hello Max. Darren.”, he hears Castiel respond and he turns to nod at the two men who have just appeared in the hallway.

He remembers Sam’s accusations from yesterday and tries to smile at them. “Good morning, are you on your way to breakfast?”, he asks politely and Max shakes his head.

“We’re just on our way back, actually.”

“Oh, that’s a shame.”, he says, trying to sound sincere. “Cas and I were just on our way there, so…”

Darren grins. “Say no more, far be it from me to keep a man from his breakfast.”

They say their goodbyes and enter the lift.

“They seem very nice.”, Dean tries and Cas smiles.

“They are.”

They arrive in the lobby and follow the signs to the breakfast room, where they load their plates with eggs and bacon and then pick an unoccupied table. They eat in silence until Sam arrives with Eileen. The two of them look sickeningly happy so Dean makes fun of Sam’s granola for a while until he notices Cas and Eileen signing to each other. A while ago he might have complained about them being rude, but now he supposes he’s the one who’s rude since he hasn’t exactly told them that he learned ASL and is technically eavesdropping.

 **You had the dream again?** Eileen is asking and Cas nods, before responding.

Dean is so mesmerised by the way Cas’ fingers move that he almost forgets to pay attention to what the ex-angel is saying. **It was worse this time. Usually I wake myself up, but this time…**

 **This time?** Eileen prompts and Cas sighs, shoving another forkful of eggs in his mouth before replying.

**This time, I was sharing a bed with Dean and I managed to wake him up. Then he woke me.**

Eileen raises her eyebrows. **And then what?**

 **Then nothing.** Cas signs, moodily poking at his bacon.

**Sure. That’s why you’re blushing. You know this whole thing would be a lot less awkward if you would just –**

“Dean. What are you staring at?”, Sam’s loud fucking moose-honk of a voice asks and Dean snaps his head up, missing the rest of what Eileen says.

He looks around frantically and then points at one of the female stylists who is standing at the buffet, visible between Cas and Eileen. “Um, her.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “God, Dean it’s not even ten yet and you’re already lusting after the other coaches.”

Dean wants to respond, but is distracted by Cas’ fork loudly bouncing off his plate and onto the floor, followed by both Eileen and Cas disappearing under the table to find it.

“What the hell?”, he asks and Sam shrugs. When the other two emerge, Cas is scowling, the fork clutched in his fist and Eileen is grinning at him.

Sam brings up the interview and starts telling them about all the videos he watched last night in preparation, as if that’s what he and his girlfriend spent all night doing, then pulls out a sheaf of paper from Chuck-knows-where and shoves it at Dean, telling him he can help Cas practise those questions this afternoon, while he and Eileen go and check out the convention centre for clues.

Before Dean knows it, breakfast is over and Cas is saying that he needs to head over to his choreography lesson.

 **Cas, wait.** Eileen signs, making a funny gesture at Sam, who smacks himself on the forehead and then digs around in his trouser pocket, eventually coming up with the camera and ear piece which he hands to Cas. **We thought, you should wear it again today. That way we can listen in while we’re researching and pick up on anything you might miss.**

Cas nods and pins the camera to his t-shirt and shoves the earpiece in, after checking that no one else in the dining room is looking at him.

Then, with a quick wave, he’s gone, following some other contestants out of the room.

Dean finishes his coffee, while Sam finishes his – eugh – green tea and then they head up to Sam and Eileen’s room. Eileen seems to have brought every book she owns with her, and Dean eyes the books piled on one of the beds suspiciously. “If this is what you two get up to at night, I don’t see why I have to stay with Cas.”, he says snarkily and Eileen flips him off, which he’s kind of impressed by.

He boots up Sam’s laptop and loads the software connected to Cas’ spyware, after promising Sam to only speak into the mic if absolutely necessary. Sam and Eileen settle in with their obnoxiously massive, old books and Dean plugs in his headphones and watches as Cas walks into what looks like a dance studio with that guy, Darren from earlier.

They join a group of men who all greet them and then start chattering loudly. It’s hard to pick out what any individual is saying, but then Dean hears Darren speak.

“So Castiel, why have you been holding out on us?”

Dean can just imagine the way Cas is frowning as he says: “Holding out on you? I don’t understand.”

Max grins. “What he means is, why didn’t you tell us you were hooking up with your super hot coach?”

There’s a collective gasp from the men and Dean nearly growls when one of them asks: “Ooh, the tall one with the long hair?” Honestly, the thought of Sam and Cas together is ridiculous. Sam's too tall and they're both too serious. It's just stupid! How would that even - Dean needs to pay attention to the screen again

Darren is shaking his head. “No, he’s got a girlfriend. I mean the other one, green eyes, kind of grumpy.”

“Dean?”, Cas asks, sounding incredulous and Dean doesn't know why he sounds so shocked. Dean is aware that he is considered desirable - both by men and women - just apparently not by Cas.

Max snaps his fingers. “That’s the one.”

“No.”, Cas says. “Dean and I aren’t ‘hooking up’. Why would you think that?”

“Well, you did leave your room to go to breakfast together this morning.”, Darren points out and Dean grabs the mic.

“Cas, tell them I was just picking you up. The sharing thing would be too hard to explain.”, he says and breathes a sigh of relief as Cas echoes what he said.

“Besides, Dean is straight.”, Alex chimes in and the others let out a collective sound of understanding.

Their little gossip group is broken up by a man and a woman loudly calling for attention. They’re both dressed in leggings and leotards and Dean snorts a little at their outfits.

“Listen up guys, today we’re going to practice your routine for the final. Find a partner and stick to them, that’s who you’ll be walking on stage with.”, the woman says and there’s a flurry of movement as all the men try to pick a partner.

To Dean’s great displeasure, Alex immediately approaches Cas. “Well Castiel, would you like to be my partner? I think we’ve already proven that we work well together.”

A small part of Dean’s brain is chanting _Please say no_ , but it is promptly shut up when Cas says: “I’d like that.”

Dean zones out a little as the choreographers start explaining the routine and Cas starts practising with Alex. Eventually, they are given a five-minute water break and Alex starts talking again.

“I must admit Castiel, when Darren mentioned Dean leaving your room this morning I was briefly disappointed.”, he says silkily.

Cas puts down the water bottle he had been handed. “Why were you disappointed?”, he asks.

“Yeah Alex, why were you disappointed, you jackass? And why the hell aren’t you wearing a shirt?”, Dean mutters through his teeth.

Alex smiles. “Well, after we had our little… tête-à-tête yesterday you declined my offer to take you back to your room and when I heard about Dean… well, I thought we’d gotten our wires crossed. But if you’re telling the truth and Dean is regrettably still straight, then maybe I wasn’t wrong after all.”, he says, fluttering his – admittedly – long eyelashes at Cas.

Cas doesn’t respond for a moment – and Dean waits with bated breath – before saying. “No, you weren’t wrong.”

Alex smiles even wider, somehow managing to show all his stupidly perfect teeth. “Excellent.”

The male choreographer claps his hands and they’re back to their weird dance routine. Every now and then, Dean catches a glimpse of Cas in one of the mirrors – he’s got a look of deep concentration on his face, that if he were someone else, Dean might describe as cute – but mostly Dean has to look at Alex and his perfect fucking face and his perfect fucking abs that aren’t hidden under a layer of fat like Dean’s.

Eventually though, they finish up their dance and Dean almost says “Thank Chuck” out loud when Cas turns down the other guys’ invitation to go to a salad bar with them. It was a futile gesture, Dean knows how much Cas abhors salads – much to Sam’s dismay.

Then he gets an idea, so he pulls out his headphones and grabs his wallet.

“Sam, I’m going to take Cas to lunch so we can practise for the interview.”, he yells over his shoulder and then leaves the hotel room before either Sam or Eileen can say anything.

He hurries into the lift and sees Cas just as he enters the hotel’s lobby, looking tired and sweaty, but his face lifts into a smile when he sees Dean.

“Hello Dean, where are you going?”

“Same place you’re going buddy. C’mon, I’m taking you to lunch.”, he says and the ex-angel frowns.

“Can I at least shower first? I’m disgusting.”, he says and Dean looks him up and down, noticing the way those sweatpants make his ~~ass~~ legs look and how his t-shirt sticks to his chest just right.

“Cas you look… fine. Don’t worry about it, we’re not going anywhere fancy.”, Dean says, tearing his eyes away from his friend’s chest. He can't seem to focus properly today, maybe low blood-sugar - or not enough caffeine.

Cas sighs, but follows Dean out of the hotel and to where he had parked Baby.

They don’t go far, ending up at a cute little café that’s only a few blocks from the hotel.

The waitress tells them to sit wherever they want and they pick a table by the window. She brings over menus and Cas orders something complicated that ends up being basically a sandwich. Dean orders quiche with pie to follow.

Cas tells him about his dance lesson and how confusing all the steps are. Dean laughs himself silly at his description of Michigan tripping over his “Sasquatch feet” and knocking over Darren and then nearly strains his cheeks smiling when Cas steals some of his pie.

They go over some of the interview questions that Sam had printed out, and Dean tells Cas to answer “world peace” when asked what it is their society needs most, but Cas doesn’t understand the reference. They do a couple more, like “What is your favourite animal?” – all of them, according to Cas – and “What is your ideal date?” – Dean tells Cas to just go with something classic like dinner and a movie – but eventually they decide to go back to the hotel, when they realise they’ve been there for nearly two and a half hours, with Dean telling Cas to just speak from the heart.

The waitress comes by with their bill and she hands it to Dean with a little wink. When he looks at it, he sees she’s left her number.

“She’s pretty, you should ask her out.”, Cas says, his voice flat.

Dean wants to respond something about how he’s not interested in a one-night stand at the moment, but instead he clearly has a temporary lapse in sanity because he says: “Did you fuck Alex?”

Cas stares at him unblinkingly for a moment and Dean wants to take it back so badly, but then Cas says “I beg your pardon?” with equal innocence and outrage and he can’t stop himself from talking again.

“You heard me.”

Cas doesn’t glare at him, instead he looks eerily blank like he used to when Dean first met him. “No. I didn’t _fuck_ Alex.”

Dean feels a grim sort of satisfaction settle in his chest. “Good.”

“Good?”

“Well, I just mean it’s good that you’re not getting involved with someone like that.”

Now Cas is glaring at him. “Someone like what? Gay, you mean?”

Dean throws up his hands defensively. “Woah, don’t pull that homophobia shit on me. Charlie –“

“Charlie isn’t me.”, Cas interjects and somewhere inside Dean, he thinks that may be exactly the point.

“Come on Cas, first you accuse me of being homophobic and now – what? You’re coming out to me?”, he asks and Cas juts his chin out defiantly.

“So what if I am? I’m an angel, Dean. I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation – so is Chuck by the way.”

Dean refrains from telling Cas that he isn’t an angel anymore and says: “What do you want me to say? I don’t have a problem with it Cas, no matter what you might think. All I want… all I want is for you to be happy.” He thinks it might be the most sincere thing he’s said in weeks.

Cas’ whole demeanour changes and he seems to deflate. “Well, you can’t always get what you want, Dean.”, he says a little sadly.

 _You can though._ Dean wants to say. _Anything you want Cas, all you’d have to do is ask and I’d give it to you._ He wants to reach out and touch his friend, wants to hug him and make sure he never looks that sad again. But he doesn’t say or do any of that. He stays silent and Cas sighs.

They pay the bill and make their way back to Baby and then to the hotel in silence. When Dean cuts the engine in the hotel parking lot, they sit there, neither of them willing to leave.

Eventually Dean says. “All I meant, is that guys like Alex... they’re the kind who take and take. Until you have nothing left to give and then they disappear, and all you get for your troubles is a broken heart.”

For a moment, it seems like Cas isn’t going to answer, but then he asks: “How do you know?”

“Because _I’m_ that kind of guy.”, Dean says quietly. The ex-angel really doesn’t answer this time and instead gets out of the car.

“I think you might be.”, Cas says, before shutting the car door.

Dean sits alone in Baby and thinks it might be the cruelest and most honest thing Cas has ever said to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... this ended up being a day late and kind of angsty, sorry about that.  
> I can't promise I'll manage to get a chapter up tomorrow, since I'll be super busy, but the next one will be up on Monday for sure!  
> Be prepared for Cas rebounding, Sam and Eileen getting some actual hunting done and Dean being mopey but still jealous


	7. I’d never wish for anyone to feel the way I do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: for the usual swearing, internalised homophobia, referenced childabuse.  
> This chapter starts from Eileen's POV and then switches to Cas' POV  
> Chapter title from the McFly song POV

Eileen isn’t sure what Sam’s idiot, repressed brother has done, but when Dean comes back to the room and goes straight for the bourbon in Sam’s emergency first-aid kit, she knows he’s fucked up royally.

She takes one look at Dean and signs to Sam that she’s going to check on Cas. She isn’t really sure where he is, but decides his room is the safest bet.

When she get there, she knocks and calls through the door: “Cas, it’s Eileen. Can we talk?”

There’s a very long moment, where she thinks he might not be in, but then the door swings open and she sees Cas standing there in his boxers and a sweater she knows for a fact is Dean’s, looking for all the world like a lost child with his tearstained face.

“Oh Cas.”, is all she gets out before the former angel throws himself in her arms. They stand in the doorway for a full minute, with Eileen gently rubbing his back, before she can eventually shuffle him into the room and sit him on the bed.

They sit side-by-side, it seems easier to talk if he doesn’t have to look into her face.

 **What happened?** She asks and Cas sighs. It’s been five months since she had watched him watching Dean leave the bunker’s kitchen and asked him how long he’d been in love with the hunter, but Cas is still reluctant to talk about it.

Eventually, his hands start moving. **We were having a really nice lunch and then out of the blue, he asked me if I’d slept with Alex. We fought – I accused him of being homophobic – then he said he just wanted me to be happy!**

 **What did you say?** Eileen asks, her movements slow and deliberate. **Did you tell him what you need to be happy?**

Cas shakes his head. **No. I just said that we don’t always get what we want. Then when we were at the hotel, he said I should stay away from guys like Alex because they’re users and he knows because he is too. And then… I told him he was right, he is a user and now – now, he probably hates me.**

Cas collapses sideways into Eileen again and she strokes his hair as she processes what he told her. She honestly loves Dean like a brother, but right now she really wants to punch him. Castiel has become one of her best friends – friendships are hard to maintain as a hunter and she’s lucky that she found both love and friendship within the Winchester family – and it physically pains her to see him so distressed. It’s obvious to even a blind man – or a deaf woman – that Dean is so repressed that he can’t even look at a shirtless man in a movie without getting uncomfortable, and also that he is head-over-heels, earth-shatteringly, running-towards-each-other-in-slow-motion in love with Castiel. So his meanness and hurtful words towards Cas are just symptoms of his barely disguised jealousy. But that’s hard to explain to Castiel – who despite not experiencing the limitations himself – is very hung up on humanity’s ideas of sexuality and is convinced that Dean is very straight and very much _not_ in love with Cas.

“He doesn’t hate you. He couldn’t ever.”, she says out loud and Cas sits up shaking his head.

 **No.** He signs. **He has hated me a lot over the years. You don’t know everything I’ve done, all the ways I’ve betrayed him –**

Eileen firmly pushes his hands down. **First of all, do you really think Sam hasn’t told me everything about the three of you? And secondly, if Dean ever really, truly hated you he wouldn’t have forgiven you. He’s just, trying to sort through a lot of emotions right now and he’s expressing them wrong.**

 **What sort of emotions? Is it because he’s disgusted with me? He said he didn’t have a problem with me being with men, but how can I believe him**? Cas asks and Eileen sighs. Dean really is an idiot.

**No. I don’t think he has an issue with that, honestly I don’t. But Sam has told me a lot about their childhood – he doesn’t hero-worship John the way Dean still does – and their father was violently homophobic. I think it left an impression on Dean that has lead him to view himself and other people in a distinct way, and that is causing him issues today. But he loves you the same, either way, I promise.**

Cas is quiet for a long time, Eileen isn’t sure that even as an angel, he was aware of the extent of the damage John Winchester inflicted on his sons. It took a long time for Sam to tell her, and they’re both aware of how unwilling Dean is to blame his father for anything.

 **Did John… did he hurt them?** Cas asks, his movements hesitant and jerky as if he's afraid to ask the question.

Eileen knows this isn’t her story to tell, but she can’t let Cas go on thinking the way he has.

 **Not Sam, but Dean… you know how he is. The way Sam tells it, Dean would purposely put himself between Sam and John, even when Sam was the one picking fights. You’d really have to ask one of them about it though, I don’t know all the details.** Castiel looks upset, but nods and then pulls her into a hug.

 **I’m sorry.** He says when he lets her go. **It’s not fair to always drag you into this.**

She rolls her eyes at him and tells him not to worry. He says he’s going to try and rest before the interview and she leaves him, pulling out her phone as soon as she steps out into the hallway.

She opens the video-calling app Charlie designed for her and presses on the red-head’s smiling face. She picks up almost instantly.

 ** _Hi Eileen_**. She reads on the instant-subtitles Charlie programmed and smiles.

“Hello Charlie, how are you?”

Charlie grins. **_I’m good. How’s it going on your end? How's Texas and how are the boys?_**

Eileen laughs, of course Charlie knows where she is. “I’m alright, but I’m afraid I’ve got a code blue.”

Charlie’s mouth opens in shock. **_Code blue? Dean’s figured out he’s in love with Cas?_**

“No, the opposite. He’s insanely jealous and just picked a fight with Cas because of it.”, Eileen tells her and Charlie glares.

**_The man’s an idiot. My gaydar went off the minute I heard him talk about this ‘angel friend’ of his._ **

Eileen nods in agreement. “He’s digging himself a deeper hole every time he speaks – I just had to convince Cas that Dean doesn’t hate him because he likes men. What do we do?”

Charlie buries her face in her hands in frustration at Dean’s antics, then says: **_I think we should give them one more chance to sort themselves out. 24 hours. And if Dean is still being a dick by tomorrow afternoon, text me and I’ll sort him out. You never know, maybe a night to think about what he’s done will help._**

“Good idea Charlie, I better go and help Sam with Dean – he’s day-drinking again.”, she says and Charlie rolls her eyes before making the “live long and prosper sign” and hanging up.

Eileen heads back to her room and opens the door to see Dean lying on the newly-cleared second bed and Sam returning from the bathroom with the empty bourbon bottle, which he’s clearly just upended into the toilet.

 **How’s Cas?** Sam signs and she simply shakes her head. He throws his brother a filthy glance and lifts his hands as if to sign something, before holding up a finger and answering his phone.

He frowns as he says “yes” a couple of times, before hanging up.

 **Who was it?** She asks.

 **Don. There’s been another murder.** He signs, his lips moving so Dean knows what’s happening too.

His brother sits up suddenly and Eileen can see the words on his lips: “Who was it?”

“Harry.”, Sam says and Dean seems to relax. “We should go investigate.”, Sam continues and frowns as Dean gets up off the bed, swaying a little.

Eileen grabs her gun and knife from the bedside table, as the brothers get their own weapons.

They take the lift down to the lobby, where Don is frantically pacing. He jumps at Sam and Dean, talking too quickly for Eileen to catch everything he’s saying, but she gets the gist of it – he’s pissed that they’ve not solved the case yet.

He leads them out through the back of the hotel and into the gardens. There, in a quiet corner, a ginger man is lying on the ground, his white shirt drenched with blood. He’s lying on a smooth slab of sandstone, but surrounding him are the myrrh leaves that she and Sam had been researching.

There’s a flash of white among them though, and Eileen nudges Sam, pointing at the immaculate flower lying next to Harry’s lifeless body. Sam darts forward and picks it up, shoving it in his pocket for later inspection.

Eileen snaps a couple of pictures of the body and Sam excuses them, desperate to escape from Don’s beady-eyed glare.

They return to the room and Sam produces the flower for them to examine it.

“What kind of flower is it?” Eileen asks and Sam shakes his head. Surprisingly enough, Dean speaks up.

“It’s an anemone.”, Dean mutters, as Sam translates for him. Both Eileen and Sam look at him in surprise but he just moodily shrugs his shoulders.

A quick search of the lore yields the result that the little flower is an omen of bad luck in Eastern and Egyptian cultures, but can be used to ward off evil spirits, if mixed with the right herbs.

Eileen easily slides into research mode, and doesn’t look up from her reading until Sam gently strokes her hand. She looks up and he smiles the gorgeous, dimpled smile that she’s a little obsessed with.

 **I need to go up and help Cas get ready for his interview. Would you mind staying here and watching Dean?** He asks and she nods, glancing over at the elder Winchester who is fast asleep on the spare bed.

She briefly laces her fingers with Sam’s, but then lets go to say: **We should just let him stay here tonight, Cas needs some space.**

Sam nods in agreement, then leans in to give her a brief kiss before heading up to see Cas.

Eileen continues to read - apparently the princess of Cyprus was turned into a myrrh tree – and hopes Cas does well in his interview.

 

* * *

  

Castiel’s head is spinning as he walks through the dressing room, with Sam by his side. He is dressed in a three-piece suit – although it felt like a 12-piece suit while he was struggling to put it on – and Sam has styled his hair for him again.

Sam had informed him of Harry’s death, upsetting him – Harry seemed very kind – and Cas is surprised none of the other contestants look worried. When he says as much to Sam, he shakes his head. “Don, said they wouldn’t be telling people until after the interviews”

It makes sense, but Cas finds it hard to concentrate on people complementing his appearance, when one of his, what he’s tentatively calling, friends has been murdered. He doesn’t see Alex anywhere, and Darren and Max are currently on-stage, so he waits nervously with Sam until his name and state are called.

He walks on-stage with four other contestants, none of whom he has spoken to before and squints in the lights. He doesn’t really listen when the other three are asked questions, so when the host says his name, the first thing he says is: “Huh?”

The audience laughs and the host chuckles genially, before saying: “I was just asking you, what is your idea of a perfect date?”

Castiel knows that Dean told him to say dinner and a movie, but he’s feeling brave, so he says: “Well, I don’t mind what sort of food we eat, so I my idea of a perfect date would be getting some food at a mom and pop diner, and hitting the road in a classic car.”

The audience applauds and the host smiles. “Why, that sounds lovely – and very specific. Do you have a special someone to take long rides in a beautiful car with?”

“Um… No.”, Cas says, but he knows he has taken too long to reply. Thankfully the host moves on to asking him about what - in his view - their society needs most.

Cas frowns a little. “I think above all, we need tolerance and open communication. A lot of issues could be avoided that way.”

“Very well said!”, the host says and the audience seems to agree, applauding loudly. Next he is asked what is favourite animal is and he says – truthfully – that he thinks all animals are wonders of creation. Finally, the host asks him what is favourite flower is and he thinks of the little patch of garden he has secretly been cultivating behind the bunker. “Anemones.”, he answers and then the host moves on to the next contestant.

 

When he gets off-stage Sam is looking at him oddly, and then asks if it’s alright with Cas if he goes back to his room to continue researching. Cas nods his assent and Sam disappears.

Cas turns back to watch the interviews just as Alex walks on-stage. His stomach does a little flip at the sight of him, and he immediately feels guilty. Just a few hours ago, he was complaining to Eileen about how Dean doesn’t love him and here he is having fantasies about another man. Then again, Dean did say he wanted Castiel to be happy – and it isn’t as if Cas can have what truly makes him happy…

He watches as Alex attentively listens to the contestants he is on stage with, and then gives well thought out and insightful answers. When he finally comes off-stage, he makes a beeline for Castiel, who feels a little flattered.

“Castiel!”, Alex says happily. “Your interview was excellent! How are you feeling about it?”

Cas smiles back and shrugs. “Pretty good, but it was nowhere as good as yours.”

Alex blushes prettily. “Don’t be ridiculous.” Then he glances around, as if searching for someone. “Where’s your entourage?”, he asks and Cas laughs at that description of the Winchesters.

“They’re taking a break.”, he explains and Alex raises his eyebrows.

“Are they now? So you’re completely unsupervised then?”

Cas frowns. “They don’t need to supervise me. I’m not a child.”

Alex grins at him, giving him a once over. “No you most certainly aren’t.” Then he’s grabbing Cas by the hand and dragging him out of the dressing-room and down a long hallway. He stops in front of a door, which he pushes open, pulling Cas in after him.

It’s some sort of storage closet, with a tiny window on the far wall, just under the ceiling.

“What are we do-“, Cas starts to ask, but then Alex has pulled him in for a kiss. It’s a good kiss – if a little messy. It quickly gets heated and Cas loses track of time. At some point, Alex softly bites Cas’ bottom lip and he moans, pulling the other man closer. Cas can feel his trousers tightening, and Alex must be able to as well, because he’s suddenly pushing a leg between Cas’ and moving it up and oh –

Cas sees stars for a moment, but then he’s grinding against Alex’ leg, desperate for friction. Alex suddenly breaks the kiss, pulling away from him. Cas is about to protest, but then he sinks to his knees and starts to undo Cas’ belt.

Then the other man looks up at him, his big brown eyes staring at him and Cas is suddenly struck by how wrong the eye-colour is. It’s brown not green and Alex isn’t Dean, no matter how much Cas wishes he were. And he can tell himself a thousand times that Dean isn’t interested in him, but that doesn’t change how desperately in love with him Cas is and he just. can’t. do. this.

“Wait!”, he gasps as Alex opens his zipper.

Alex frowns. “Are you okay, Castiel?”

Cas nods, frantically backing away from him. “Yes, I’m sorry. I just – I cant do this.”

“What is it? Is it because of Harry?”, Alex asks and Cas freezes.

“How do you know about that? They weren’t going to tell the contestants yet!”

Alex shrugs. “The same way you know, I’m sure. From Don.” Cas nods slowly, but backs away when Alex tries to touch him again. The other man looks confused. “So if it’s not about Harry, then what is it? Is it me?”

“No.”, Cas says, shaking his head. “It’s not you. But I’m in love with somebody else and –“

“Somebody else?”, Alex yells suddenly, his face darkening and Cas shrinks away from him as he gets to his feet. “I was down on my knees for you and you tell me, you’re in love with someone else? With whom? That Neanderthal of a Coach, Dean? He’s straight, you moron!”

Cas casts his eyes to the floor, unable to meet Alex’ furious gaze. “I know, but… I can’t give up on him, not yet.”

Alex storms over to the door. “Well, look me up when you finally realise what a lost cause he is!”, he yells, slamming the door behind him.

Cas jumps a little at the noise and slowly tries to make himself look presentable, before leaving the closet.

He makes his way back to the hotel alone, but when he gets to his room, Dean is there holding his bag.

“Hello.”, he says slowly and Dean gives him a small smile.

“Hi Cas. Sorry for just letting myself in. I only came to get my stuff.”

Cas frowns at him. “Why are you getting your things?”

Dean looks incredulous. “Well, after the things I said this afternoon, I figured you wouldn’t want me here.”

Dean is right, Cas shouldn’t want him here – but he does. He wants him there, because he’s afraid if he tells Dean to go, he might not come back. He wants him there, because he doesn’t know what to do if he gets another nightmare and most of all he wants him there, because he never was able to hold a grudge against Dean Winchester and being without him hurts more than being near him.

“We both said some things that we regret. I don’t forgive you – not yet.”, he says and Dean nods, as if agreeing with him. “But, I’m not going to make you sleep downstairs and let you ruin Sam and Eileen’s time together.” Dean flashes him a brief smile at that.

“I understand Cas. Thank you for letting me stay. And I just want you to know…”, he begins, the smile gone from his face. “I want you to know, that all I want is for you to be happy. So if you want to make a go of it with Alex, or some other person, I won’t stand in your way.”, he says sincerely.

“Thank you, Dean.”, Cas says, trying not to think about Alex and the hunter smiles at him.

“We ordered pizza, I brought you yours, I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten already.”, Deans says, pointing at a box on the bed and Cas heads straight for it, suddenly ravenous. Dean flicks on the TV, settling on a nature programme and then cautiously comes to sit next to Cas on the bed.

 

An hour later, they’re both asleep, the TV still blaring and a box of pizza upended on the floor next to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I couldn't post yesterday, but I'll hopefully get another one up tomorrow!  
> Thank you all so much for reading and especially commenting, your messages give me life! xx


	8. I watched your heart, it broke in two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for the usual swearing, making out, panic attacks,  
> This Chapter is from Dean's POV  
> Chapter title from the Unkle Bob song "I Watched Your Heart"

Dean spent most of the afternoon and early evening sleeping while Eileen researched, so it doesn’t surprise him at all that he wakes up at midnight, next to Cas, with the TV showing some weird B-list movie.

The blue flickering light throws dark shadows on Cas’ face and for a moment Dean wishes he had a camera. Instead, he turns the TV off and when he goes over to pick up the empty pizza box, he sees that Cas didn’t even take off his shoes let alone the snazzy suit before going to sleep. He kneels beside him and carefully starts unlacing Cas’ shoes. Just as he pulls off the shoes and places them on the floor, Cas rolls over in his sleep, nearly kicking Dean in the head.

He can’t help but smile as Cas burrows deeper into his pillows, letting out a little noise of satisfaction. Dean carefully wrestles Cas’ suit jacket off his sleeping form, then changes into his own pyjamas. He is just pulling the shirt over his head, when he hears Cas call his name. He turns to see his friend still fast asleep, but muttering under his breath.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I did this for you.”, Cas says, his eyes still firmly shut. Dean moves over to the bed as Cas lets out a little whimper of fear. “Please, no! I didn’t mean to!”

“Shh.”, he says softly, sitting down next to Cas, who covers his face with his arms. Dean gently runs his fingers through Cas’ soft hair, like he used to when Sam was little. “It’s okay Cas, you’re okay.”

The former angel stirs a little, but stops muttering. Then he shifts and rolls over, resting his head on Dean’s thighs. Dean stiffens a little at his sudden proximity to – ahem – certain areas, but continues to stroke Cas’ hair until he falls asleep.

He wakes up the next morning with a stiff back, a crick in his neck and Cas’ head still pillowed on his lap and one arm draped across his legs. He watches Cas sleep and feels his stomach tie itself into knots of guilt at the way he acted towards him yesterday. It’s just that whenever Cas mentions Alex he gets this flare of anger and fear of losing Cas and… jealousy – oh god. Jealousy? He isn’t jealous, is he?

That’s ridiculous. But then again, Cas is his best friend – one of his only friends, the only person in the world he trusts as much as Sam. He can’t lose him. And if Cas were to get a boyfriend, the way Sam has Eileen – but someone who isn’t a hunter – then he’d have no choice but to leave the life and leave Dean. He relaxes a little as he realises why he was acting so weird – he just doesn’t want to lose his best friend. That's a perfectly normal thing to worry about.

Just as he has come to this realisation and smiles in satisfaction, Cas wakes up. He blinks slowly, yawning and then stops mid-yawn when he looks up at Dean and realises where he’d been sleeping.

“Hey buddy.”, Dean says quietly as Cas sits up, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

The former angel blinks at him again, then says: “Good morning Dean.” Cas scoots away from Dean a little. “I am… sorry for um, sleeping on you.”

“Pffft, it was the least I could do after yesterday.”, Dean says shrugging and Cas ducks his head.

“About yesterday… would we be able to forget about it?”

“Um sure, buddy. But you know I should be the one asking you that, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Cas nods. “I know, but like I said last night, we both said some things we regret and I would like to move on in our friendship, unhindered by an aberration like our fight yesterday.”

Dean stares at him for a moment, trying to figure out just how got so lucky as to have a friend like Cas and then smiles. “Sure buddy, I’m fine with that. Now you might want to get out of that suit, it’s not really appropriate for breakfast.” He nods at the rumpled shirt and Cas looks down at himself.

“Yes, you’re right. I was just so tired yesterday.”

Dean shrugs. “Perfectly understandable. I uh, hope you don’t mind, I took your shoes and jacket off for you last night. You were out cold.”

“No that’s fine, Dean, thank you. I should go and shower, I’ll see you in a bit.” Cas heads into the bathroom just as Dean’s phone starts to ring.

“Dean, it’s Sam. Can you get your ass back to the hotel? Eileen thinks she’s made a breakthrough in the case.”, his brother says when he answers and Dean frowns.

“Sam, I’m in the hotel. I’m with Cas.”

Sam is quiet for a minute. “You are?”, he asks, sounding surprised. “You didn’t come back to the room last night and I figured –“

Dean scowls harder, even though Sam cant see him. “You figured I’d gone and found some random waitress to hop into bed with. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore, Sammy!”, he growls and Sam sighs.

“Alright Dean, I’m sorry. Can you guys come down here then? We ordered room-service so we can have breakfast while we work.”

“Yeah, but you’ll have to give us a couple of minutes, Cas is in the shower.”, Dean says and he can tell his brother is impatient, but he relents anyway.

“Fine, I’ll see you in ten.”, Sam says before hanging up.

Dean dresses quickly and is just pulling his boots on – Texas weather be damned – when Cas comes out of the bathroom. Once again, the former angel is in nothing but a towel and after probably too long, Dean averts his eyes – he really needs to stop staring, it’s weird.

“Hey buddy, enjoy your shower?”, he asks with his back to Cas. “Sam called, Eileen has figured out something to do with the case, we’re meeting them in their room for breakfast and research.”

“Okay, let me just get dressed.”, Cas says from behind him.

When Dean finally deems it safe to look again, Cas is fully dressed in “Is that my t Shirt?”, Dean asks and the ex-angel blushes as he looks down at the worn Metallica shirt.

“Maybe? I’m sorry, it was in my bag. I can take it off.”, he says, pulling the shirt up, but Dean stops him.

“No, no, it’s fine. Keep it on, it suits you.”

“Oh, thank you.”, Cas says, staring at him, that blush still staining his cheeks.

They stay like that for a moment, before Dean realises that they’re both just staring at each other when they should be heading down to see Sam and Eileen. He jumps up off the bed, breaking their eye contact and ushers a slightly bemused Cas out of the door.

 

Sam looks a little grumpy when he opens the door to let them in, but Eileen is as cheerful as ever so Dean just ignores his brother and pushes past him to go sit on the spare bed where he is quickly joined by Cas. Eileen hands them each a plate of pancakes and bacon, while she and Sam dig into what Dean can only describe as sludge with berries and they eat as quickly as they can.

“So, I was doing some research last night,” she begins and Dean rolls his eyes – as if she and Sam ever did anything else. “And I came across the myth of the princess of Cyprus. Her name was Myrrha and she was cursed by the gods to fall in love with and have sex with her own father. For this crime, she was exiled and chased from her kingdom. The gods changed her into tree to protect her – she became a myrrh tree. As a tree, she gave birth to a son, Adonis, the most beautiful man in the world and lover of Aphrodite.”

“Wait, so we’re to believe, the person killing other contestants is an Ancient Greek pretty boy?”, Dean asks incredulously and Eileen glares at him for interrupting her – clearly she had been able to read what he was saying off her lips.

“Well,” Sam says, taking over from his girlfriend. “It would explain the myrrh leaves since that’s the tree he was birthed from, plus it explains the anemone. When he was killed by a wild boar, Aphrodite wept and her tears plus his blood falling on the earth created the first anemones.”

Cas frowns. “But you said he was killed, how could this be him?”

Sam shakes his head. “That means nothing with the pagan deities, they all died in hundreds of different ways, in hundreds of different stories.”

“Great, so we’re looking for the worlds most handsome demigod at a beauty pageant – that should be easy.”, Dean says sarcastically, ignoring the bitch face Sam throws his way.

“There must be a spell that reveals anyone with divine elements, like the one you used on the leaf.”, Eileen suggests.

“No.”, Cas says forcefully, signing simultaneously. “That would just flag anyone who has had any contact with the deity – plus it needs to be applied topically. It’s untenable, there’s no way for us to do that.”

Eileen sighs, but seems to understand, because she doesn’t press the matter.

“So what do we do?”, Sam asks and Cas furrows his brow a little in thought.

“There’s an utterance that would make the deity react in a similar way to Demons when they hear the name of the lord. If we can get close enough to the candidates, we could try that?”, Cas says and the others nod.

“Good idea, buddy.”, Dean says, clapping Cas on the shoulder. “So what’s this magic word?”

“Ζεύς”, Cas says and Dean frowns.

“What does that mean?”

Sam answers for Cas. “It’s just the name of Zeus in Greek.” And Cas nods.

“Well, at least it’s easy to say.”, Dean says and Cas flashes him a smile of amusement.

They decide to split the contestants between them and say the word near as many people as possible at the semi-finals tonight.

“Speaking of those, what do you need to do tonight, Cas?”, Eileen asks and Cas checks the photo of the itinerary on his phone.

“Um, the final swim suit competition, the first talent show and then the announcement of the top ten who have made it to the final round tomorrow.”, he reads and Dean grimaces.

“Talent show? No offence buddy, but what are you going to do as a talent? Hunt people?”, he asks and Cas glares at him. Thankfully, Sam intervenes.

“Actually, Dean.”, he says, glaring at his brother. “We already thought of that. Cas is going to do some knife throwing.”

“With angel blades.”, Cas clarifies and Eileen smiles at him.

Dean clears his throat. “And what exactly are you going to be throwing the blades at?”

Eileen laughs and Dean glares at her. “You.”, Sam says gleefully.

“Um, no you will not!”, Dean says and Cas at least has the good grace to look a little ashamed.

Sam rolls his eyes. “Relax Dean, Cas is the best at that kind of thing, he won't hit you. And I’m too tall and Eileen’s too short to do it.”

Dean groans and buries his face in his hands, but lifts his head again when he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to Dean. It’s a lot of faith to put in someone.”, Cas says quietly.

Dean grabs his friend’s hand as he makes to withdraw it, giving it a brief squeeze. “No Cas, it’s fine, I trust you. Just promise not to stab me, okay?”

Cas smiles at him. “I promise.”

Sam coughs and Dean suddenly becomes aware of the fact that he’s still holding Cas’ hand, which he quickly lets go of.

“So, um, how do we kill this… Adonis?”, Dean asks and Sam shrugs.

“That’s what we have to find out. I guess we should get to researching.”, he says and Dean groans again, but reluctantly picks up Sam’s laptop and starts googling.

 

Six hours, a room-service burger and three cups of coffee later, Dean’s still not found anything, he’s almost fallen asleep a total of nine times and none of them have spoken in over two hours.

“That’s it!”, he finally shouts when Cas has poked him in the side yet again to wake him up. “I’m done with this. We still haven’t found anything and Cas needs to go get ready for the semi-finals!”

Sam sighs. “You’re right. Cas, why don’t you go upstairs and shower again. I’ll be up to help you with your hair in twenty minutes.”

Cas nods, putting his book down and shuffling out into the hallway. Dean watches him go, but then turns when Eileen gasps.

“I’ve found something!”, she says, excitedly holding out the book she was reading. Sam takes it from her and reads the passage she is pointing at.

“It’s almost like when we had to kill Calliope!”, he says. “We just need the tusk of a wild boar with certain symbols carved in it and then we bless it, anoint it with incense and stab him with it. It says here it can kill any Greek deity, so it should work for Adonis.”

Dean claps his hands together. “Great, I’ll head to the nearest taxidermist, pick up a tusk and you guys can stay here and make Cas look all fancy. I’ll be back in time to have knives thrown at my head.”

Sam sighs, but looks up directions to the nearest taxidermy shop.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean is happy to be back in Baby – he always is – but this time he’s also forcefully reminded of his fight with Cas. He swallows the knot of guilt in his throat and drives out of the car park.

The taxidermist on the other side of town is as weird as expected – tall, sallow and greasy with a strong southern accent – but he lets Dean buy a tusk with relatively little trouble.

On his way back to the hotel, he gets a text from Sam, telling him to come straight to the convention centre, or he’ll be late.

Dean parks up and hurries into the convention centre, following the directions Sam texted him to find the backstage. The dressing room is huge, and with all the contestants and coaches there, there’s more than a hundred people milling about. It’s going to be impossible to check all of them for flinching at the word Ζεύς.

After standing on his tip-toes, Dean finally spots his moose of a brother and makes his way over to him. Cas is standing beside him, looking dapper in a blue-checked suit and white shirt that’s unbuttoned at the collar, his dark hair swept up into a quiff.

“Hey, did you get the… thing?”, Cas asks unsubtly and Dean rolls his eyes.

“Yeah Cas, I got the thing. Are you ready for the talent show?”

Cas nods and then Sam thrusts a blue, button-down shirt at Dean. “Here, put this on. You can’t go out there in a ratty t-shirt, it’ll look bad for Cas.”

Dean sighs. “Why does it matter? He’s going to get through to the final anyway, Don promised.”

“Keep your voice down!”, Sam hisses at him. “And we need to keep up appearances. So put on the damn shirt.”

Dean looks about and doesn’t see a changing room anywhere. “Where am I supposed to change?”

Sam frowns. “You’re just changing your shirt, do it here.” Sam mutters something about going to find Eileen and leaves him alone with Cas.

Dean glares. He wouldn’t have as much trouble shedding his shirt if he was as ripped as Sam, but unfortunately he likes burgers too much and running too little. He glances down at his t-shirt and sighs.

Cas glances around and says: “Nobody is looking our way, if you want to change now.” He takes a deep breath as if stealing himself to say something. “For the record, I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. You’re a very attractive man.”

Dean isn’t sure what to say to that, but he blushes to his roots and mumbles a quiet “Thanks Cas.”

He quickly sheds his t-shirt and shrugs into the button-down, as Cas studiously looks in the opposite direction. He finishes buttoning it and turns to his friend. “How do I look?”, he asks as he rolls up the sleeves.

“You look very nice.”, Cas says, flashing him an encouraging smile.

Sam suddenly reappears with Eileen and a grumpy woman in a waistcoat by his side.

“Kansas!”, the woman in the waistcoat snaps. “You’re up next, are you and your assistant ready?”

“Yes.”, Cas says and he follows the woman as she rushes off towards the side of the stage. Since he’s apparently been demoted from coach to assistant, Dean decides he has no choice but to follow.

“Right, Kansas. Wait for your intro, then go out. Then you ask your assistant to join you and he’ll come out with your um, knives.”, she points to a wheeled table that has six angle blades laid out on it and hands both of them headsets, which they quickly put on. Dean frowns at being called an assistant again, but doesn’t have time to complain because a voice is announcing: “Next up, displaying his formidable skills with blades, it’s Castiel Biddick from Kansaaaaas!” and Cas is rushing out on stage, waving at the crowd like he’s been doing it his whole life.

He begins to speak, his gravelly voice echoing through the auditorium. “For my talent, I’m going to need some help. I’d like you all to give a friendly Texas welcome to my good friend and assistant for tonight: Dean!”

Okay, he must have practised that, because Dean has known Cas for a long time and he’s never spoken like that. Nevertheless, Dean grabs the table and wheels it out onto the stage, waving at the crowd like he saw Cas do. The lights are a little blinding, so Dean just makes for Cas’ blurry form like a ship to a port.

He stops the table next to Cas and then – at Cas very unsubtle urging – goes to stand in front of a huge wooden target, spreading his arms and legs like a starfish.

The crowd oohs as they realise that Cas will be throwing knives at Dean and break out into applause as he picks up the first angel blade. Cas twirls the blade in one hand and grins at him. “Ready, Dean?”, he asks.

Dean grins right back at him. “I was born ready.”

The crowd applauds again at his cheesy line as Cas draws his arm back and flings the knife at Dean. It sticks in the wood next to his left shoulder with a satisfying thunk and a second one quickly follows on the other side.

Cas takes his time with the next blade and then throws it. It lands half an inch away from Dean’s neck and he raises his eyebrows at Cas, who shrugs apologetically. The fourth blade is embedded in the wood next to Dean’s ribs. Dean manages not to flinch as the penultimate blade lands just above his head, so close that the wind from its flight ruffled his hair.

The last blade stays in Cas’ hand for much longer, as he twirls it and tosses it from one hand to the next.

Dean rolls his eyes. “Stop showing off!”, he snarks and the audience laughs. Cas shoots him a wicked smile and the blade goes whizzing through the air and lands squarely between Dean’s legs, just a few inches below his crotch.

The audience whoops and breaks out into raucous applause, as Cas bows and Dean moves away from the target, his legs a little shaky – although he’d never admit that. Together, he and Cas move off-stage and into the dressing-room.

They’re immediately swamped by other contestants, all of whom want to congratulate Cas. Dean rolls his eyes, but starts muttering Ζεύς as often as he can, watching the contestants for flinching, but none of them react. He swears, but then sees Sam and Eileen hurrying towards them. “Any luck?”, he asks and both Sam and Eileen shake their heads.

They grab Cas and make their way over to a lounge area that’s been set up, where they each grab a sandwich and say Ζεύς every time someone walks past, watching for a reaction – they never get one.

Eventually there’s a call for the contestants to get ready for the swimsuit competition and everyone breaks into a flurry of movement. Sam produces a pair of very short shorts from the bag he’s carrying and hands them to Cas, who begins to undress.

Dean follows another group of contestants, whispering Ζεύς at them and passing it off as a sneeze when one of them gives him a funny look.

He glances over at Cas, who is standing with Sam and Eileen, wearing the smallest bathing suit Dean has ever see a man wear. It accentuates his muscular thighs and his sharp hipbones and Dean’s mouth goes dry. He really shouldn’t be looking at Cas that way, the way he used to look at other boys when he was young – before his Dad told him how wrong and disgusting it was.

Suddenly, Cas looks up and meets his gaze from across the room. He smiles at Dean and Dean thinks his heart has dropped out of his chest. Cas is smiling at him like he always does, with kindness and utter devotion and Dean can't breathe, thinking about all the other times Cas has looked at him like that. All the times the former angel has been there for him, all the times he listened as Dean ranted about things he can’t even remember now, all the times just a touch from Cas calmed him and tied his stomach in knots at the same time. He thinks of how Cas clung to him when he woke from his nightmare, like Dean was the only thing that could save him, how Dean was consumed by jealousy at the sight of Cas with Alex and how desperately afraid he is of Cas leaving him. He thinks of the hundreds and hundreds of times Dean had wished Cas was there with him, and all the times he stayed and Dean didn’t think that life could get any better than that. He thinks about the constant urge he has to be near Cas and to touch him and -

“Oh God.”, he whimpers, pulling out his phone. He dials the only person he can think of and when she picks up, he whispers: “Charlie. I’m in love with him.”

“Yeah, buddy, I know.”, Charlie says sympathetically, without even asking who he's talking about and Dean walks out into the hallway outside the dressing room, sliding onto the floor.

“You know?”, he asks and she lets out a nervous laugh.

“Um, yeah. No offense, but it was kind of obvious.”, she says and Dean’s stomach flips.

“Does everyone know?”

“Um… yes.”

“Does – does Cas know?”

“Oh god no. He thinks you’re very straight.”, Charlie says.

Dean sighs. “So did I.”

She snorts. “Sorry, I just – did you really never question your heterosexuality? You stare at each other a lot, dude.”

He presses his face to his knees and groans. “No! I mean – I guess, maybe? When I was younger? But my dad made it very clear, if I ever showed tendencies like that I’d be out on my ass.”

Charlie sighs. “I’m sorry you went through that Dean, but you have to know, this isn’t wrong. Love never is.”

“So what do I do, Charlie?”

“Well, I think you should tell him.”, Charlie suggests gently.

“What?”, Dean squeaks. “I can’t tell him!”

Charlie sighs a little impatiently. “Dean, do you really think I would tell you to do that, if I wasn’t 1000% sure that he’s in love with you too?”

Dean nearly drops his phone again. “Dean! You need to tell him. The poor man has been pining after you since he dragged you from hell.”

“He has?”

Dean isn’t quite sure what’s happening, one minute he was trying to find a Greek deity and the next, he’s realising he’s in love with his best friend and being told that said best friend is in love with him.

“Yes Dean. He’s followed you to the ends of the earth and you haven’t stopped to think that might go beyond friendship and familial duty for him, the same way it does for you?”

“Dean?”, Sam appears in the hallway and Dean doesn’t know what to say or how to say it, so he just hands Sam his phone. Sam says hello, listens for a moment and then says: “Right. I’ll handle it.”, before hanging up.

Sam crouches down next to him. “Dean, are you okay?”

Dean shakes his head. “What am I supposed to do, Sammy? I though Cas and I were just friends. But Charlie’s right, it’s more than that. And dad –“

“Forget about dad, Dean. I know what he told you about this kind of thing, but he’s wrong. You’re allowed to have this if it makes you happy - and I know that it does.”, Sam says.

“Am I allowed though?”, Dean asks. “Sammy, I’ve done such terrible, terrible things and Cas – he deserves better than me. He deserves someone who’s good and kind and brave.”

Sam slings an arm around his brother. “Dean, Cas has done awful things too, but you don’t hold that against him, do you?”, he asks and Dean shakes his head, he never could hold a grudge against Cas. “Exactly, and you are the kindest, bravest, best person I know. Cas loves you, I’ve seen it and he knows every facet of your being. You deserve each other and you both deserve to be happy.”

In his life, Dean has heard Sam’s “you deserve better” speech many times, but it has never hit him as hard as this. He wants to cry and laugh and sleep for three days, but most of all, he wants Cas. He wants to hold him the way he’s longed to for months – if not years – wants to tell him he’ll be there for him through every nightmare to come, wants to find out how soft his skin is, but for now they have a case to finish. “I’ll wait.”, he says and Sam frowns at him. “Just until we find and gank Adonis. Then I’ll tell him. I don't want to do it now without having had the to think about it.”

Sam doesn’t look happy, but he nods and gets to his feet, pulling Dean up with him.

“I’m going to go take a drive, clear my head.”, Dean says and Sam nods again, before disappearing back into the dressing-room.

 

* * *

 

Dean drives around Fort Worth for hours, but at the end of it, he still doesn’t know how he went so long without realising what everyone else seems to have already known.

For so long, he repressed any thoughts his dad wouldn’t have approved of, that the thought that his feelings for Cas were anything but familial never even crossed his mind. And yet, he had always felt a special bond with Cas, something that kept him from truly thinking of him as a brother the way he does Sam. Knowing Cas is in love with him is almost weirder. It seems too good to be true and Dean still isn’t sure he deserves that. Either way, Charlie is right. Cas has a right to know the truth and Dean will tell him when the case is over.

He’s a little nervous about returning to the hotel room, about sleeping so close to Cas – he doesn’t know how to stop himself from reaching out and touching now that he’s acknowledged the longing he’d been hiding for so long – especially since over the past few nights, he’s found out what it feels like to have Cas pressed against him as he sleeps. Nevertheless, he parks Baby and makes his way up to their room. Once he gets there, he realises that he has left his wallet – and with it the key – in the car. He’s fairly sure Cas is in, so he just knocks.

The door swings open and Dean is faced with Alex, his shirt unbuttoned and a predatory smile on his face.

“Oh hello, Dean. Cas is just in the bathroom cleaning up... he got a little sticky, if you know what I mean.”, he says with a wink and Dean’s heart breaks in two.

He stumbles away from the door and into the lift. He doesn’t understand, Cas had said he wasn’t with Alex! Dean knows Cas isn’t his, knows that he doesn’t have a claim on the former angel, but this hurts more than it did when he was just a little jealous. After all, he didn’t know he was in love with Cas back then.

He doesn’t think he’s ever felt pain like this, an ache deep in his chest that makes it hard to breathe. The lift doors open and he stumbles out into the lobby, his breath is coming in short gasps and his vision has black spots in it. He collapses onto the ground, and he hears someone call his name.

He looks up and sees one of the contestants – he thinks his name is Max – coming towards him.

“Dean, are you okay?”, Max asks and Dean can’t speak so he shakes his head. “Alright, come on.”, he says, hauling Dean to his feet. He wraps an arm around his waist and helps Dean along a corridor he hasn’t been through before. They walk through an open door and into the hotel bar. Max deposits Dean in a booth, then goes to get drinks. He returns quickly and slides a double whiskey towards him.

“Drink.”, he says. “It’ll help.” So Dean does just that, downing it in one - it does help, the ache in his chest subsides a little. Max offers him his own drink and he downs that too.

“So, do you want to talk about it?”, he asks. Dean thinks of Alex standing in Cas’ room, thinks of the way Cas smiled at Alex whenever he had seen them together and shakes his head. Max shrugs and signals a waiter to bring them refills. The waiter has clearly been paying attention, because he brings them two drinks each.

“Hey, bring us six shots of tequila too.”, Dean says and the waiter nods, although Max looks a little shocked.

“So… do you want to talk at all?”, Max asks and Dean shrugs, downing another drink. “Okay, then I’ll talk. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but are you okay? You were literally lying in the lobby hyperventilating.”

Dean grabs one of the shots off the tray the waiter deposits on the table, drinks it and then sips on his last whiskey to rid himself of the taste. “Look Max, you seem nice and you bought me drinks which is always a bonus, but I really don’t want to talk to you about my heartbreak, okay?”, he says and Max raises his eyebrows.

“So this is about Castiel?”, he asks and Dean chokes a little on his second shot.

He coughs and says: “Why would you assume it’s about Cas?”

Max sighs. “Well, to be honest, when I first met you I was interested, but then I saw you with Cas and heard the others talking and I thought you two were…”

“Oh.”, Dean says intelligently, thrown a little by Max admitting that he was in to him. “Well, we’re not.”

“Would you like to be?”, Max asks quietly and Dean decides to ignore him.

“I like you Max, I think we should drink more.”, he says, lifting another shot and handing it to Max. His vision is getting a little blurry, but his mind is still racing and he needs it to quiet down, so they cheers and drink.

 

Four shots later, Dean is nicely drunk and not even thinking about Cas.

“If you aren’t thinking about him? Why do you keep saying that you aren’t thinking about him?”, Max asks, laughing and Dean hiccups.

“I dunno, Max.”

Max giggles and tries to get up, but he trips, so Dean grabs the back of his shirt and pulls him down to sit next to him. They both laugh and suddenly Max’ face is very close to Dean's.

“Your eyes are really blue.”, Dean says and then he's leaning in and pressing his lips to Max’. The other man responds eagerly, wrapping his arms around Dean and pulling him closer. He’s enjoying himself so much that he forgets to freak out about the fact that he’s kissing another man.

Dean gasps and Max takes the opportunity to push his tongue into his mouth. He moans and pulls Max onto his lap, letting the other man wrap his legs around his waist.

Max suddenly pulls away from him, and Dean whines in protest, until he hears a familiar voice say his name.

He turns and sees Cas standing there in his dorky pyjamas, with tears in his eyes, looking like Dean just ripped out his heart.

“Cas.”, he says, but the former angel turns on his heel and runs out of the bar.

Max climbs off Dean’s lap and looks at Dean sadly. “Go after him.”, he says and Dean does.

He’s still pretty drunk, so he stumbles a couple of times, but he doesn’t let himself fall. He gets to the lobby just in time to see Cas get into the lift. He sprints across the room and throws himself into the lift just before the doors close.

“Cas!”, he gasps, but his friend turns away from him. “Cas, please listen to me. I came to see you in our room, but Alex was there and he said you guys had – you know – so I ran and I had a panic attack and Max found me and –“

“And what?”, Castiel growls, making Dean back up. “You thought – completely without evidence by the way – that I had done something completely normal and hooked up with someone, so you go out and make out with the first person you can find. A man, I might add, when all these years you’ve been telling me how straight you are!”

“I didn’t know that I wasn’t straight! Some things happened today that I wanted to talk to you about, but you were with Alex and Max was there for me!”, Dean roars, stalking out of the lift as the doors open. Cas pushes past him and unlocks the door to their room, which Dean follows him into. “And why do you even care, who I make out with? You never have before!”, he adds.

Cas looks about ready to tear his hair out as he yells: “I have always cared, Dean! I’ve been in love with you for years, but I left you to your one night stands and your waitresses because I knew you were straight, but I guess all this time your sexuality wasn't the problem, you just weren’t interested in me!”

“That… that is not true, Cas!”, Dean stutters. It’s one thing to hear from Charlie that Cas is in love with, another to hear it from Cas himself and it should be a happy moment, but everything has somehow gone wrong. “You don’t understand what I’ve been through today.”

“Oh I don’t understand what you’ve been through? You’re the one who has no idea, Dean! Did you have to watch the man you love engage in night after night of meaningless sex, watch him flirt in front of you like you don’t even exist? Do you know what it’s like to love someone so much and not have them love you back, so it devours you from the inside? Because I do and it’s hell, Dean!” Cas is crying. Big, fat tears that are rolling down his cheeks and onto the dull carpet and Dean wants to hug him, but he’s fairly sure Cas would punch him if he tried right now.

“Cas…”, he begins, but the angel cuts him off.

“No Dean, I don’t want to hear anything more from you tonight. Please leave.”

“Cas, please!”, he tries again, but Cas isn’t having it.

“Get out!”, he yells and Dean backs off.

He turns in the doorway, to see Cas curled in on himself in the middle of the room, still crying. Dean shuts the door behind him and slowly makes his way down to Sam and Eileen’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was super hard to write, I'm not sure how great it turned out.  
> Also, a lot angstier than I thought it would be, sorry :D


	9. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for the usual swearing, reference to violence, and panic attacks  
> This chapter is from Was' POV  
> The chapter title is from the Sara Bareilles song "Gravity"

Castiel remembers the first time he had his heart broken, the first time he became human – after the angels fell. It was when Dean had asked him to leave the bunker, Cas hadn’t understood but he couldn’t deny Dean anything, even then, so he simply nodded and packed his things. It had been a strange feeling, because it had _hurt_ – even though there was nothing physically wrong with him – and no matter what he did, through the hunger, the sleep deprivation and the loneliness, that ache was always there. It was a relief, when he swallowed that stranger’s grace and was an angel again, to not have to feel it anymore – and yet, every time he saw Dean flirting with a woman, or heard him call Cas buddy or brother that ache would return. When Cas fell and became human permanently, the ache returned with double the force. He was always yearning, always longing for what he couldn’t have and it hurt more than dying ever had.

But seeing Dean with Max, passionately kissing him, his hands in the other man’s hair, the realisation that Dean never had a problem with being with men, that he just never loved Castiel – that is something else. The pain is sharp and acute and threatens to consume him until there’s nothing left. Each one of Dean’s drunken apologies causes the hurt to grow until it explodes outwards and Cas is lashing out and saying things he never wanted Dean to hear – that he loves him, that it’s killing him to not be with him.

In all his years in Heaven and Earth, Cas has never felt this way and when Dean finally leaves him alone, he collapses. It’s too much and he doesn’t think he can live with all these emotions inside him.

He lies on the floor for hours, just crying like he never has before. He cries for himself, for the way Dean hurt him, for the fact that he will never be able to look at the hunter, his best friend, the love of his existence the same way again. He cries thinking about having to return to the bunker with Dean and his long silences, his shaky hands that he thinks no one notices, his calloused fingers that sometimes brush Cas’, his stupidly beautiful smiles and his stories about women that make Cas want to sink into the ground. Then he cries thinking about the fact that he might have to leave everything he’s ever known, because he can’t continue living like this.

He falls asleep around dawn, his nightmares plagued with images of Dean and Max, and Castiel being tortured while the two of them just watch blankly – and this time Dean isn’t there to comfort him when he wakes.

Around 9am there’s a knock on the door and when he opens it, Eileen walks in and heads straight for Cas’ mini-fridge. She grabs an ice-pack out of the little freezer section and presses it to her hand.

 **What happened?** Cas asks her and she grimaces, showing him her bruised knuckles.

“I punched Dean.”, she says out loud, her hands busy with the ice-pack.

Cas gets a sick feeling in his stomach as he thinks of the trouble his infatuation has caused. **Why?** He asks and Eileen rolls her eyes, looking like she’s considering punching him too.

“Why do you think? I was asleep when he came in last night, but Sam told me this morning, so I woke Dean up and punched him.”

Cas slowly sits down on the bed, a little stunned, and Eileen sits down opposite him. **I appreciate you… defending my honour, but you shouldn’t have done that. Dean has experienced enough violence in his life, he shouldn’t be subjected to it by his family.**

Eileen nods and then lifts her undamaged hand and puts it on top of his. “You’re right and I’m sorry… I just know how hurt you must have been and he’s behaved so badly. I didn’t think of it that way though.” Cas just nods and gently squeezes her hand. After a while she asks: “How are you feeling though?”

He sighs and Eileen waits, giving him time to formulate his answer.

**I – well, it just hurts. All these years I had something to explain why my feelings weren’t reciprocated, first it was because he didn’t really know me, then that I was an angel, and until yesterday that my vessel is male. But now, there’s nothing keeping us apart except for the fact that he really doesn’t love me.**

Eileen hugs him and then takes the ice pack off her hand so she can sign. **Cas I’m really sorry, and I’m not condoning what he’s done. Obviously.** She gestures to her bruised hand. **But have you considered the fact that maybe he hooked up with Max, because he thinks he can’t have you?**

Cas almost laughs. **Why on earth would Dean – if he were interested, which he isn’t – think he can’t have me?**

 **Well…** Eileen hesitates, but then continues. **Dean said that Alex was in your room last night, with his shirt open and that he basically said you two were hooking up. So he thought he’d find himself a hook-up so he had somewhere to sleep**.

 **What? Nothing happened between Alex and I! We had an argument the day before and he came to apologize. He brought me an iced tea and I spilled it everywhere so I went to clean up and when I came back, Alex said Dean had been and gone! The man is ridiculous, he can’t just hook up with someone when he wants somewhere to sleep – he could have done literally anything else! He could have asked if a room has freed up, or stayed with you and Sam, or slept in his fucking car!** Cas signs, his hands shaking with rage.

Eileen puts a gentle hand on his, to calm him down. **I don’t know what to tell you, Cas. That’s his explanation for what happened.**

 **I don’t… I don’t think I can do this anymore Eileen. After this, I’m not sure I can go back to the bunker again. I can’t live with him, knowing that he knows how I feel and doesn’t feel the same way.** Cas says and Eileen squeezes his hand, tears shining in her eyes.

**I know it’s not easy Cas – in fact, I know it’s really fucking hard – but do you really have to leave? Sam and I will miss you so much and Dean… you leaving again might break him.**

Cas swallows, and his hands are shaking so hard he can barely form the correct signs. **He’s the one who broke me, Eileen and I’ve stayed for so many years. But now… I think it might actually kill me if I stay.**

He’s crying again and Eileen wraps her arms around him and he appreciates the comfort, but it isn’t enough, isn’t what he wants. What he wants… he can’t have and that thought makes him cry harder. Throughout everything, whenever he was upset it was Dean who had comforted him, with a warm hand on his shoulder and a “talk to me buddy”, and then when he had the nightmares… the way Dean had held him so tightly. Cas could almost feel the ghost of Dean’s arms around him, feel his breath ruffling his hair. But Dean isn’t the one holding him, Eileen is and right now she might be the only person in the world that understands Cas. She had had to wait a long time for Sam, but unlike Sam, Dean didn’t have a girlfriend he still mourned for.

“Do what you have to do, Cas. But please come back with us and pack your things and say a proper goodbye. I promise we won’t stop you from going, as long as you promise to come back to us.”, Eileen says quietly into his hair and Cas sighs but eventually replies: **Okay**.

They sit there for a long time and Eileen just holds Cas, stroking his back. If he’d ever had a mother, he imagines she would have been kind like Eileen.

Eventually though, they have to get ready for the day and Eileen prods Cas into washing his face and getting dressed, although she firmly vetoes him wearing any of the shirts that used to belong to Dean.

 **Come on, we’re going to get you some breakfast.** She says and Cas shakes his head. Almost as if she can read minds, she frowns and signs forcefully: **It doesn’t matter if Dean is there or not, you need to eat and he’s in the wrong not you!**

Cas sighs but follows her out of the room and downstairs to the breakfast room. Cas furtively looks around, but doesn’t see Dean so he makes his way to the buffet with Eileen. They help themselves to food and then find an empty table.

Cas has just taken his first bite of bacon, when he hears someone say his name and he looks up to see Max of all people standing at his table, anxiously dry-washing his hands.

Cas stares at him and Eileen – and Cas almost wants to laugh at the look on her face – throws him the dirtiest look she can muster.

“What do you want?”, she asks, when Cas can’t bring himself to speak.

Max glances nervously between the two of them. “I um.. well… Cas I –“

“It’s Castiel.”, Cas interrupts and Max bobs his head in a nod.

“Right. Sorry, Castiel. I just wanted to apologise for last night. I don’t usually do things like that and if I could change it I would, but yesterday we were both so drunk and –“, Max begins but Cas cuts him off again.

“Max, I really don’t want to hear this.”

Max shakes his head. “I understand why, but please hear me out. Dean… he said that you two aren’t together and I don’t know if that’s true or not, but the way you reacted when you saw us, I know you care for him. And when I found him, he was seconds from a panic attack and he was so upset and I don’t know what happened, but he couldn’t stop talking about you. Even when he was off his face, all he could talk about was you and I know it isn’t my place, but he really cares about you. I don’t really know him, but I think he might be in love with you.”

Cas blinks at him a little stunned, but then he remembers that less than ten hours ago, he had to watch Dean make out with this man and his expression hardens. “You’re right.”, he says and Max looks surprised, but then Cas continues. “It isn’t your place and you don’t know Dean. You have no idea what you’re talking about and I would appreciate it, if you would leave me alone.”

Max looks like he wants to say more, but then something across the room catches his eye and he leaves.

Cas finds out exactly what Max saw, approximately 30 seconds later when Sam and Dean join them at their table. Sam sits down next to Cas so that he is now sandwiched between the youngest Winchester and Eileen and Dean has no choice but to sit opposite him.

Dean’s hair is flat and unwashed and one of his eyes is swollen from where Eileen hit him. His hands are shaky again, like they usually are when he’s hungover and tired and like so often Cas forgets that he’s not an angel and feels himself reaching for his grace in an attempt to soothe the hunter. But when he feels that tiny spark, surrounded by emptiness where it used to be, he remembers that he is human and he remembers how much what Dean did hurts.

Cas looks down at his plate, when Dean looks at him. He doesn’t like to see pain in his green eyes, even though a little part of him hates Dean right now.

Under the table, Eileen reaches out and gives Cas’ knee a comforting squeeze. He flashes her a brief smile and goes back to his breakfast, doing his best to ignore Dean who is staring at him from across the table.

Sam clears his throat. “Um, I got a phone call from Don about 20 minutes ago. He said a janitor found some of those myrrh leaves and an anemone flower outside one of the basement storage rooms in the convention centre – I figured we should go check it out?” Eileen nods and Cas makes a little noise of agreement. “What do you think, Dean?”, Sam asks his brother, who startles but says: “Um sure. Let’s do it.”

They finish breakfast in awkward silence and then head across to the convention centre, where a man in a waistcoat is waiting to escort them to the basement.

Sure enough in a hallway containing storage rooms there are myrrh leaves scattered along the whole floor and there’s a veritable pile of them outside the door furthest from the stairs.

Sam goes to open it, but it’s locked. “Do you have the key?”, he asks the waistcoated man, who shakes his head.

“No, unfortunately not. The keys for this area were lost years ago, when everything that was being stored here was removed. This whole floor is completely unused now.”, he says and Sam sighs. He throws Dean a look that Cas long ago learned means they’ll come back and break in later and so they all traipse back upstairs.

When they get back to the hotel Dean, Eileen and Sam get out on their floor and Cas stays in the lift, intending to go back to his room for some peace and quiet, but Dean jumps back in at the last second. The doors close and they stare at each other in silence. The doors open again a few moments later and Cas moves past Dean and out into the hallway, where he heads for his room, trying to ignore Dean.

He’s just unlocking the door, when he feels a hand on his arm – Dean’s hand.

“Dean.”, he says, turning to look at the hunter.

He looks terrible. His left eye is now almost completely swollen shut and the other one is bloodshot with a dark ring underneath it. His hands are still shaking, Cas wonders if Dean’s ever noticed how much his hands have changed in the past years.

“Cas – can we talk?”, Dean chokes out and Cas wants to say yes, wants to gather Dean to his chest and hold him and be held. But he can’t, he can’t do it anymore. Can’t deal with the hole in his heart and the ache in his chest.

He shakes his head, tears welling up in his eyes. “Dean. I can’t, please, I can’t.”

Dean is crying too and Cas doesn’t know what to make of it, because it isn’t the strong, single tear he’s used to. These are harsh, ugly sobs. “Cas. I know… I know I fucked up, but I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You’ve got to believe me when I say that. My whole life…”, he pauses, choking on his own tears, but eventually he manages to swallow the lump in his throat. “My whole life has been one long string of mistakes and fuck-ups and pain that I’ve caused other people, including Sammy.  But you, you might have been the one thing I did right in all of that. Trusting you was the one good decision I’ve ever made and now… I know I’m an idiot and I don’t deserve you at all, but Cas you’re my best friend and I don’t think I’ve ever needed anyone the way I need you.”

Cas wants to forgive him, wants to with an ardent yearning that permeates every bone in his body, because seeing Dean like this is shredding his insides. But he can’t. Because Dean just called him his best friend. Because Dean just said "I need you" instead of the three words Cas so desperately wants to hear. Because if he forgives Dean now, if he goes back to the bunker and never leaves and watches Dean love other people, then he’ll spend his whole life an empty shell of who he used to be, hollowed out by anguish and yearning - and he didn’t sacrifice his grace for a life like that.

So he forces himself to swallow down the pity and ignore the ever-present love for Dean that has ruled his life for so long and says: “I’m leaving.”

Dean nods, sniffling. “I understand you need space, but can we talk again later?”

He doesn’t get it, so Cas will have to say it again and oh Chuck, it hurts to see him like this. “No Dean, I’m leaving the bunker. After this case, I’m going back to pick up my belongings and my truck and then I’m leaving.”

Dean looks like Cas has torn out his heart with his bare hands. He takes a step towards Cas, who finally opens the door to his room and steps away from him. “No, Cas please. You can’t, can’t leave. I don’t.. I don’t know how to live without you. I – please. Cas please! I’m _begging_ you, I’ll do anything if you say you’ll stay, _please_! Just don’t leave me again.” Dean looks wretched and seconds away from getting down on his knees, so Cas wipes his own tears away and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”, he says and closes the door firmly in the hunter’s face.

He hears Dean sob outside the door and he can’t – won’t sit around to listen to it – so he strips and climbs into the shower, turning it on and letting the water beat down on his head, blocking out everything except his own sobs which echo off the tiled walls, making it sound like there’s six other people in there crying with him.

He sits in the bottom of the shower for hours, until his fingers and toes are wrinkly and his eyes are so tired he couldn’t possibly cry anymore. He gets out, towels himself dry and pulls on his Kansas sweatpants and the hoodie Dean gave him when he first became human and was always cold. Despite having owned it for so long, it still smells like leather and Dean’s cologne and Cas has to fight back tears again.

He hears his phone vibrate and when he checks it he sees that he has three messages.

One from Charlie, asking if he’s okay and telling him to call her. The second one is from Sam to remind him that despite everything, they still need to keep up appearances and Cas needs to be ready to go down to the finals at four, since after all he did make it into the top ten last night as planned.

The last one is from Dean and contains only two words: _Please stay_.

He tosses the phone into his bag so he doesn’t have to look at it and collapses onto the bed. He doesn’t want to have to perform like a monkey tonight. They’re no closer to solving the case and at the moment, Cas thinks the last thing he should be doing is throwing knives at Dean’s head and giving answers about his personal life on TV. He’s just decided to text Sam and tell him he’s dropping out of the competition, when his windows fly open and his room is filled with unnaturally strong wind.

His belongings fly everywhere and the wind in his eyes cause them to tear up, making it hard to see. He squints at the window and sees the same golden figure he and Dean had seen days ago, making its way into his room. When the figure’s feet touch the ground, the wind abates and Cas is left blinking at a beautiful woman. She has long dark hair that reaches the back of her knees, with roses and anemones braided through it and the stark white of her loose robe contrasts with her olive skin that shimmers with tiny pigments of gold. She has a wild look about her, with feral, golden eyes and yet she is without a doubt the most beautiful woman Cas has ever laid eyes on.

“Who are you?”, he asks and she smiles beatifically, but she doesn’t answer. Instead she reaches out and grabs him by the arm, dragging him towards her. He fights her and she almost seems surprised, but she is inhumanly strong the way he used to be and easily forces his wrists together, pinning them with one hand.

The wind is starting again, whipping around Cas and the strange woman, who remains untouched by it, not a hair out of place. It gets stronger and stronger until their feet aren’t touching the ground anymore. The gold on the woman’s skin seems to meld together, encasing her completely, until she is shimmering and exuding a light that almost blinds him.

He struggles as they levitate to the open window and she presses her free hand to his forehead.

“Sleep Castiel Ángelos.”, she says and there's a pulse of heat from where her hand is touching his face before everything goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this, sorry it's so angsty but we need to get through the pain to get to the fluff! xx


	10. A broken man, who's finally realised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, sign language is written in bold.  
> TWs: Panic attacks, the usual swearing, some violence, character deaths (not major, just the bad guy) and some gore  
> This chapter is only from Dean's POV  
> The chapter title is from the McFly song "Bubblewrap"

Dean can count on one hand the people in this world he really, truly cares about: Sammy, Eileen, Charlie, Baby – even though she’s not really a person. And the thought of losing one of them is unacceptable, but the thought of losing Cas for good is worse. When the former angel tells him he’s leaving and shuts the door on him, he doesn’t know what to do. His world feels like it’s collapsing around him as he stumbles to the lift half-blinded by his tears. He fumbles with his phone, wanting to be able to speak to Cas, but knowing he won’t take his calls. So instead, he sends a text, barely able to tap out two words: Please stay. Just the fact that he has to write them is a new kind of pain. Realising he loves Cas was like when the clouds finally break open and it rains after long weeks of building humidity, and when he saw thought Cas was with Alex, it was like that rain turned torrential, painfully beating down on his skin. This though, this is like a biblical flood and he’s drowning.

He makes it out of the lift and frantically knocks on Sam and Eileen’s door, collapsing onto the nearest bed, when it is opened.

“He’s leaving.”, he manages to choke out and it’s all he is able to say for the next fifteen minutes, as he sobs into a pillow until he finds that he can’t quite catch his breath and there’s no air – and he doesn’t even care because _he’s leaving_ – and where did Sam come from? – who is making that noise? – oh god it’s him – Sam is touching him – it’s a good touch – and _he’s leaving!_ – why can’t he stop crying? – what is happening – all he wants is Cas – he’s just so tired – so tired of everyone leaving – why does everyone leave? – tired of crying – so, so  tired.

 

When Dean wakes up, there’s someone gently running their fingers through his hair and for a moment he’s almost convinced it’s Cas, but when he sits up he sees it’s Eileen.

“Hey.”, she says quietly and he appreciates her soothing tone of voice. His head hurts from crying and his face is still sore from her punching him earlier.

“Um, hi.”, he says, slightly embarrassed. He’s had panic attacks before, usually when he wakes up from a nightmare, but he’s always alone. He’s never had anyone witness them before – well apart from Cas… “Where’s Sam?”, he asks. He was sure Sam had been there during his… episode.

Eileen offers him a little smile. “He went to get tea. He should be back soon.”

Dean nods. “I’m, uh, sorry about all that. Just haven’t been feeling great.”

Eileen rolls her eyes so hard that for a second Dean thinks she’s been possessed, but then she just sighs and says: “Please don’t try to bullshit me with your weird, macho ‘men shouldn’t cry’ spiel. I wouldn’t believe it anyway. It’s okay to feel things Dean, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to break down when the people we love leave.” Dean swallows, a little afraid of his brother’s girlfriend – frankly, her righteous anger rivals his own. “But we have to remember that those people haven’t left yet. So what isn’t okay is giving up before having even tried to stop those people from leaving.”

Dean scowls. “I have tried.”

Eileen just glares right back at him. “Really? How have you tried? By kissing other men? By crying?”

“I thought it was okay to cry?”, Dean shoots back, trying to ignore the knot of guilt in stomach that tells him she’s right.

Eileen sighs and glares at him again. “Don’t be snarky, Dean. Of course it’s okay to cry, but just moping about and hoping that will guilt Castiel into staying is not going to stop him from leaving.”

Dean stares down at his hands and nods. “You’re right.”, he says and Eileen gives him a look that says she knows she’s right. “So what do I do?”

“Well, for one thing. Have you told him you love him yet? If not, that might be a start.”, she says and Dean wants to argue, wants to say that that’s the last thing Cas will want to hear from him now, that he should wait until they’re at the bunker then tell him – but deep down he knows she’s right and that the only reason he’s waited this long is because despite all reassurances, despite Cas himself telling him otherwise, he’s afraid that the former angel doesn’t love him and he doesn’t think he can take the rejection.

“Fine. I’ll tell him.”, he says finally and Eileen nods in approval.

“Tell whom what?”, Sam asks, entering the room, holding three paper cups.

Eileen smiles at him and grabs one of the cups for herself. “Dean is telling Cas he loves him.”

Sam nods. “About time.”, is all he says, before handing Dean one of the cups. “It’s tea, I didn’t think you needed any coffee right now.”

Dean wrinkles his nose, but accepts the hot drink anyway. “So, do I go up now?”

“How did you leave things? I mean, how was he when you left?”, Sam asks, signing at the same time so Eileen doesn’t have to lip-read.

“Well, he was pretty upset too. But he was the one who closed the door in my face!”, Dean says.

Eileen sighs. “Can you blame him?”, she asks and Dean shakes his head. “I didn’t think so. Anyway, just give him a few hours to cool off and then tell him when you see him before the finals.”

Sam nods in agreement with his girlfriend. “Sounds like a plan. By the way, while you were uh… sleeping, I went to check out that storage room. It was empty, but well, see for yourselves. I took pictures.” He hands Dean his phone, so he can see the picture of the room displayed on it. It’s a smallish storage room with grey, brick walls – fairly normal – apart from the fact that the floor is grass and has sprouted a tree. Dean can see it bears the same leaves as the ones that were left next to the victims and growing all around it, are anemones. He passes the phone to Eileen and shares a look with his brother, who shrugs. “It’s weird. There’s no way those plants should be able to survive down there, it’s growing straight out of the concrete, but…”

“But they are anyway.”, Dean finishes for him and Sam nods.

“I think during the finals, we’ll have to test as many people as possible and see if any of them are Adonis and if not, we’ll go down there and lay a trap in his weird garden.”, Sam says.

Dean nods. “Yeah, I just hope we aren’t too late. We still don’t know why he is killing the victims, if it’s to get rid of the competition, any of the final ten could be in danger.”

Eileen looks worried, but Sam speaks before she can. “It’s a chance we’ll have to take. We’ll test them before anyone else, since they’re the ones most likely to be Adonis. I can’t imagine he’d want to be a hairstylist.” He looks down at his phone. “Speaking of which, we’re going to have to head over soon. And we should check on Cas. He still hasn’t answered my text, but we need him there.”

Dean feels his guilt and shame, hot in his stomach and Eileen flashes him a sympathetic smile, grabbing her gun, while Sam collects his “tools” to get Cas ready. Dean takes his own gun, and shoves the tusk that they’d prepared in his back pocket.

Together, the three of them head up to Cas’ floor and Dean’s hands start to shake a little as Sam knocks on Cas’ door. There’s no answer. Sam knocks again, this time harder, but there’s still no answer.

“Cas?”, he calls through the door. “Cas, it’s us. Open up!” He exchanges a worried look with Dean. “Dean, don’t you have a key?”

“Um yeah, it’s in my wallet. I left it in Baby last night though, that’s why I had to knock and then I saw Alex…”, he trails off and Sam digs around in his jacket pocket.

“Oh, I grabbed it out of the car, when I went to get tea. Here.” Sam hands Dean his wallet, and he immediately digs the key-card out of it. He unlocks the door and pushes it open, stopping dead when he sees the room.

The place looks like it hosted a mini-tornado. There are blankets and broken bits of glass all over the floor, the windows are wide open and Cas’ clothes are everywhere.

“What the fuck?”, Dean spits through gritted teeth, stepping inside, Sam and Eileen right behind him. He pulls his gun and aims it with one hand, gripping the tusk with the other.

He quickly assesses that Cas isn’t in the main room and then goes to check the bathroom – it’s empty too.

“I suppose it’s too much to hope that he had a temper tantrum and then left for the centre early?”, Eileen says and he throws her a filthy look.

 **“Of course that’s not what fucking happened!”** He says to her angrily. He can’t believe she’s joking when his – when Cas is missing. Just then he realises his mistake – he didn’t just speak, he signed too.

“You speak ASL?”, Sam asks incredulously at the same time as Eileen signs: **What the fuck, Dean?**

 **Didn’t want to be the only person Eileen had to lip-read, but you lot all seemed to assume I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. So I wanted to wait and tell you when I could do it properly - I just never got around to the telling part.** He signs and Eileen looks torn between smiling and wanting to hit him again.

 **You’re an idiot.** Sam signs and Dean flips him off, but then remembers the gravity of the situation.

 **This really isn’t the most pressing issue!** His hands are shaking again, making it harder to sign. **We need to find, Cas! This looks like it could have been caused by that weird wind that Cas and I saw the day we arrived.**

Sam frowns. **The one with the golden figure in it?** He asks and Dean nods emphatically.

 **We should go to that room in the centre. Adonis could have taken him there.** Eileen suggests and Dean is out the door, before she can finish signing.

He rushes into the lift, the other two hurrying after him and frantically presses the button for the lobby. The minute the lift doors open, he’s out and sprinting to the car park. He rips open the driver’s door and just about waits for Sam and Eileen to climb into the backseat, before roaring out onto the road and across to the centre.

He parks haphazardly in front of the main entrance and is out of the car before Sam and Eileen have even opened their doors. Together they rush into the centre’s lobby and Dean is just heading for the stairs when he hears someone call his name.

He stops and turns, nearly sending Eileen and Sam skidding into the back of him. When he sees the person calling him is Alex, he almost growls.

“Dean!”, Alex says, hurrying towards him. “Have you seen Castiel? He was going to meet me before the finals this afternoon, but he never showed. I went by his room, but he wasn’t there either and he’s not in the dressing room.”

Before Dean can answer, he notices Eileen frantically trying to get his attention, before signing: **We never tested Alex yesterday!**

Not caring how it might sound if he’s wrong, Dean turns back to Alex and spits: “Ζεύς!” Alex’ whole body gives a violent shudder and just to be sure, Dean says it again. “Ζεύς!” The man convulses and Dean grabs him, shoving him against the nearest wall.

“What have you done to Cas?”, he yells and Alex’ struggles against his grip.

“What are you on about?”, he shouts. “Let go of me.”

Dean presses his arm harder against his chest, as Sam says: “Don’t lie. We know you’re Adonis, we know what you did to those other contestants and we know you have Cas!”

Alex looks stunned. “What? I’m not-“ Dean gives him a rather violent shake and he glares. “Fine, you got me. I’m Adonis, the one and only. Five thousand years old and still looking fabulous, don’t you think?”, he says, smirking a little and Dean pulls the tusk from his pocket, holding it threateningly to Adonis’ throat.

“Shut up and tell us what you did to Cas.”, he growls and Adonis blanches a little.

“I didn’t do anything to Castiel – or those other contestants! Why would you think I did?”, he asks.

Sam huffs a sarcastic laugh. “Oh I don’t know, maybe because we found myrrh leaves and anemones next to the victims. Both of which are connected to you in ancient mythology!”

Adonis pales even more. “No, no, no! You have to believe me, that wasn’t me. But…”

Dean digs the point of the tusk into his throat. “But what?”

“But I think I know, who did do it.”, he says. Dean jabs him a little harder and he coughs, but continues. “It’s Aphrodite.”

“Aphrodite?”, Dean hears Eileen ask, over his shoulder and Adonis nods.

“Yes, yes. She’s my… well we aren’t really that close anymore, but technically she was my wife.”, he explains, but Dean doesn’t relax any. The only thought he can manage at the moment is  _find Cas_.

Thankfully, Sam still has head on straight, because he asks: “So say we believe you and it is Aphrodite, why would she kill Harry and the other contestants? Why would she take Cas?”

Adonis shakes his head as if to say that he doesn’t know, but then it snaps up again. “Holy Hera!”

“What?”, Sam, Dean and Eileen yell simultaneously.

“Well… I think she might be jealous.”, Adonis says and Eileen snorts disbelievingly. “I may have… um… slept with all the contestants who died.” Dean makes a wounded noise, digging the tusk in even further and Adonis quickly adds: “But not Castiel! I mean I wanted to, just look at his face and those thighs… but no. We never. I don’t know why she took him. All we did was kiss – maybe some humping.”

Sam, who has clearly decided that Adonis’ safety can no longer be guaranteed, drags Dean away from him and then grabs Adonis by the arm. “Well, we think we know where Cas is. So you’re coming with us and you can help save him. This is your fault after all.” He drags him in the direction of the basement stairs they were originally heading towards and Dean follows, Eileen right behind him.

“Is that really necessary?”, Adonis asks, trying to wrench his arm from Sam’s grip. “The competition is about to start.” Dean digs the tusk into his back and he shuts up.

They make their way down the stairs and towards the storage room. Sam has to hand Adonis over to Eileen and physically stop Dean from charging ahead of them, when they hear a scream. It makes Dean sick, that he can recognise Cas’ scream.

They reach the storage room and they all draw their guns, Dean still tightly gripping the tusk. Sam gives them a silent countdown, before jumping forward and kicking the door open.

Dean bursts into the room just behind Sam and there is Cas, his Cas, chained to a tree. There’s blood matting the hair hanging down onto his forehead and his left leg is sticking out at an odd angle. Standing over him, a silver knife in hand, is an unnaturally beautiful woman, with long, dark hair.

“Cas!”, Dean shouts and the woman turns to look at them.

Her eyes are an unsettling gold colour and when she smiles, she looks even more beautiful, but Dean feels a shiver go down his spine. “Hunters.”, she says, surveying them. Dean charges forward with the tusk and she flings him to a wall, with a wave of her hand.

He has the air knocked from his lungs as he drops to the floor and he looks up to see Sam and Eileen firing their guns at Aphrodite. The bullets hit her and drop to the floor, leaving her unharmed and with another wave of Aphrodite’s delicate hand, his brother and Eileen go flying across the room. Unlike Dean, they stay pinned to the wall by invisible forces.

He struggles to his feet, tusk still in hand, and is immediately pinned to the wall by Aphrodite, who has moved across the room superhumanly quickly. Her hands on his throat are cold and burn at the same time and Dean wants nothing more than to have her let go of him and never touch him again. She increases her pressure and he struggles to breathe. Over the top of her head, he can see Cas, still slumped against the tree, unconscious.

Dean struggles, but Aphrodite is stronger than she looks and for a moment he thinks he might actually die this time, but then someone speaks. “Stop!”, the voice commands and Adonis steps into the room.

His face is contorted with rage and the minute Aphrodite sets eyes on him, she drops Dean.

“Adonis!”, she breathes and her whole face literally lights up with a golden light.

He strides towards her and the enraged expression slides from his face, his expression softening. “Aphrodite! Why are you here? Why did you do this?”, he asks, gesturing at Cas as Dean slowly shuffles away from her and towards the tusk he had dropped.

“I did this because of you!”, Aphrodite says, the golden glow intensifying. “You left me to be with these mortal men, who are not worthy! They don’t deserve you! So I made you a present of them, I even scattered leaves and flowers to let you know it was me, to remind you of where you came from and who you left!”

“I left because I was lonely!”, Adonis yells back. “I needed to know that I was still loved and these men fell at my feet!”

“You sullied yourself, by lying with them!”, she spits and Adonis recoils.

He points at Cas, who seems to have woken, blinking slowly at the two gods. “What did he do? We weren’t together!”

Aphrodite’s face darkens as she looks at Cas, who throws Dean a panicked look as Dean’s fingers close around the tusk. “He was worse. He denied you, he spurned you for another human. Do you even know what he is? Or was? He’s a fallen angel and he spurned you, a god! I took him to avenge you!”

“You’re crazy!”, Adonis bellows. “You shouldn’t treat the human’s like this, for not wanting to be with me!”

Aphrodite takes a threatening step towards him. “You know nothing, nor remember who we used to be! We killed thousands of humans and the others worshipped us for that. They loved us and we loved each other and now I have neither them nor you!”

Adonis takes her face in his hands. “I remember, and that’s why I left. Because I was summoned and because I was given the opportunity to be worshipped for a while. I still love you, that hasn’t changed.”, he says, as Dean slowly gets to his feet.

"As I love you.", Aphrodite says tenderly.

Her back is still turned to Dean as he raises the tusk, but Adonis sees him. “No!”, the god yells, grabbing Aphrodite just as Dean makes to stab her. Aphrodite twists out of the way, but Adonis isn’t fast enough and the tusk plunges into his neck.

Dean steps back, shocked as Aphrodite lets out a blood curdling scream, grabbing her lover. Golden light erupts from the wound in Adonis’ neck, shining behind his eyes and from his mouth and he drops to the floor.

On the other side of the room Sam and Eileen are finally released and fall to the ground. Dean tries to run to Cas, but he’s suddenly flung across the room, crashing into them.

He lifts his head just in time to see Aphrodite crossing over to Cas, her knife glinting in the light and Dean lunges for Adonis’ body, ripping the tusk from his throat.

It’s like being in April’s apartment all over again and he charges at Aphrodite, just as she plunges her knife into Cas’ chest. Dean lets out a primal scream and stabs the tusk into her back. She shrieks and just like Adonis, golden light erupts from her face and her wound.

He pushes her body aside and races to Cas’ side, holding his face between his hands. Cas is unconscious again, his eyes closed as blood pours from the wound in his chest.

“Cas!”, Dean says frantically. “C’mon Cas, open your eyes. Please, Cas. You can’t leave me now!” He rips his own over-shirt off and balls it up, pressing it to Cas’ chest in attempt to stem the blood flow.

Behind him, he hears Sam calling 911, and then Eileen is beside him, pushing his hands aside to take a look at the wound. She refolds the shirt and then presses it harder to Cas.

“Get the chains off him.”, she orders and Dean nods, scrambling around the back of the tree to get to the chains. He undoes them as quickly as he can with his shaking hands and finally pulls them off Cas’ body.

“The paramedics are on their way, but we need to get him to the hallway. They can’t see the bodies!”, Sam says and Dean knows he’s right, but he doesn’t want to move Cas. “Dean! Now!”, his brother yells and together they half drag, half carry Cas out into the hall, with Eileen keeping a steady pressure on the wound the entire time. Dean cradles Cas’ head on his lap and Sam runs back in to collect their weapons and slams the door shut just as they hear voices coming down the stairs.

The paramedics come running towards them and then they’re pushing Dean away and working on Cas. They yell instructions that Dean doesn’t understand at each other and then they’re pulling Cas onto a stretcher and racing up the stairs with him. Dean tears after them, as they rush out through the lobby and to the waiting ambulance. Dean doesn't think, he just gets in the back with Cas and one of the paramedics, who takes one look at him and decides not to argue.

Dean looks out and sees Sam and Eileen waiting outside and he tosses his keys at Sam. “Meet us at the hospital!”, he yells and Sam nods just as the ambulance doors slam shut and they tear away from the convention centre.

Dean clutches one of Cas’ hands as the paramedic continues to work on him. For the first time since Cas fell, he prays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, let me apologise for making you wait so long for this, I was busy at the weekend and then spent all day yesterday hungover, so I just couldn't write :D  
> Sorry for leaving this on another cliff hanger, hope you liked the chapter anyway! I hope to have the next one up tomorrow, or the day after at the latest.  
> Slight spoilers, but because I know people were worried at the end of the last chapter, I'm just going to say this: I did tag this with a happy ending and I intend to live up to that tag! Cas will not sustain any lasting damage and all will right itself in the end, I promise!


	11. One of a kind, angel of mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As before, sign language is written in bold.  
> TWs for description of violence, maybe swearing and... not much else, this is a happy chapter.  
> This chapter starts out as Dean's POV and then switches to Cas' POV. I hope I've made it clear enough.  
> The chapter title is from the song "Angel of Mine" by The Icarus Account

 The machines in the hospital room beep incessantly, but Dean doesn’t notice. His eyes are fixed on Cas, motionless in the bed. His face is bruised and one of his legs is in a cast that Eileen has drawn little hearts on.

 

When the ambulance first arrived at the hospital, Cas had immediately been rushed off to the OR, while Dean was relegated to a waiting room, where Sam and Eileen had soon joined him. They waited for hours, with Dean pacing nervously until eventually, someone had come out to tell them the operation was successful and that Cas had a broken leg, a fractured cheekbone, and some general bruising – as well as the stab wound he sustained, which thankfully didn’t damage any organs.

“All we can do now is wait for him to wake up.”, the doctor had said and so Dean waits, refusing to leave the former angel’s side – instead choosing to eat and sleep in the chair next to his bed.

 

He reaches out for one of Cas’ hands that are resting on the bedsheets and holds it gently in both of his. He’s alone with Cas for the first time in hours – Sam having left to go get dinner – and the doctor had told them to talk to Cas, but he doesn’t know what to say.

“I loved you back then.”, is what he eventually blurts out. It’s cathartic, the moment he starts speaking it’s like he’s started an avalanche and the words start to pour out. “I may not have recognised it for what it was at the time, but I’ve loved you for years Cas. For so long, that I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like not to. But I know when I started. It was when you took all of Sam’s crazy – do you remember that? You took all of it and it caused you so much pain, but you did it for him. No one apart from me has ever cared that much for him, no one except you. That’s when things changed. Back then, I thought it was gratitude – familial love – that I felt, but I know better now. I loved you so much for what you did, and it hurt so much to see you in so much pain. So that’s when it started, and it’s never stopped, and I think the one thing I regret about our relationship is that it took me so long to realise how much you mean to me. And if you wake up and you’re still pissed at me, I get it. But promise you won’t leave, because I don’t think I can handle it. I know now why you always leaving hurt so much – and it’s because I am so ridiculously in love with you that being apart from you is the worst feeling in the world. So you can ignore me, and pretend I don’t exist for the rest of our lives as long as I still get to see you.” There’s a wet patch on Cas’ bed and it takes Dean a moment to realise that it’s because he’s been crying – and his tears have dripped down his nose and onto the bed. “But you need to wake up, Cas, please. Come back to me, so you can tell me what an assbutt I’ve been and I’ll tell you how much I love you.” He sobs, the last words barely audible, clutching Cas’ hand tighter in his and pressing his head to the tearstained blankets.

Just then, he feels Cas’ fingers twitch a little and then a rough voice says. “Hey assbutt.”

 

* * *

 

 

Objectively, Castiel didn’t spend much more than hour with Aphrodite. Subjectively, it felt like days. Her anger was a thing to behold and Castiel was her only release. She was insane, raving  about how he had first taken Adonis from her and then rejected him. Every time he told her that he didn’t want Adonis, she hurt him. When he cried out that it was because he loved someone else, she broke his leg, wrenching it in a direction it was never meant to bend.

He didn’t think she was actually looking to punish him, more that she was trying to punish Adonis but couldn’t.

When Dean ran in, Cas was teetering on the verge of unconsciousness, but he was in so much pain that the relief of seeing the hunter, literally dragged him over the edge. When he awoke, Adonis and Aphrodite were in a standoff and Dean was struggling to fight them. When he caught Dean’s eye and saw that he was moving in for the kill, he was certain the hunter would save him, but then everything went wrong and Adonis was dead and the last thing Cas saw before Aphrodite plunged a knife into him was Dean sprinting towards him.

He hears people yelling and then sees a flash of golden light as his vision blurs and dims and eventually he just gives in to the darkness, despite the sensation of calloused hands on his face and someone asking him not to.

 

He doesn’t dream exactly, but his brain is playing snippets of conversations that he must have made up.

_“I’m not leaving him!”_

_“… home. Just for a while.”_

_“I’m staying with…”_

_“…find something to eat.”_

_“…do now is wait for…”_

_“apart from me has ever cared that much for him, no one…”_

_“to wake up, Cas, please.”_ That’s Dean speaking. Castiel is sure of it. _“Come back to me, so you can tell me what an assbutt I’ve been and I’ll tell you how much –“_

He opens his eyes slowly. The lights in the room have been dimmed, but they’re still too bright. He feels… strangely disconnected from his body and over the sounds of machines beeping he can hear someone crying. He turns his head a little and sees Dean, holding one of his hands, tears rolling down his freckled nose and onto the bed.

“Hey, assbutt.”, he says hoarsely, the phrase coming to him from his not-dream and Dean’s head snaps up, turning to look at him.

“Cas!”, the hunter breathes, his green eyes still shining with unshed tears.

Cas does his best to offer him a smile, but one side of his face is numb. “Hello Dean.”

Dean drops his hand and before Cas can miss the contact, the hunter is lunging forward to wrap his arms around Cas. “You’re okay!”, he says into Cas’ neck. “I was so worried, the doctors said they’d done all they could and we just had to wait for you to wake up, but I wasn’t sure…” He trails off, pulling away from Cas. “I’m sorry, you must be in pain and here I am throwing myself on top of you.”

Cas laughs lightly. “To be perfectly honest, I can’t really feel much of anything.”, he says, gesturing at his body.

Dean nods his head at a drip to the right of Cas. “That’ll be the morphine bu- uh, Cas. They got you on the good stuff.”

“That would explain why I feel like I’m flying.”, Cas says and Dean grins.

If he weren’t so doped up, he might have jumped the way Dean does when the door flies open and Sam walks in. “Oh my God! Cas!”, the younger Winchester exclaims. “You’re awake! That’s great! Hang on, I’ll go get a nurse.” And then he’s gone again.

Dean mutters something under his breath that sounds a lot like “stupid fucking moose”, but before Cas can ask him about it, Sam is back with a nurse and a doctor in tow.

The doctor asks him a lot of questions about the current president and what his last name is – things he has trouble keeping track of on the best of days – then does a reflex test on his uninjured leg, shines a penlight in his eyes and then disappears again, saying she’ll be back tomorrow. The nurse leaves briefly to bring him some food and then – finally – he’s alone with the brothers.

“Where’s Eileen?”, he asks Sam as he eats.

“Back at the hotel getting some shut-eye – like _some people_ should be doing.”, he replies with a pointed look at Dean. Looking over at the hunter, Cas has to admit he doesn’t look great. His hair is flat and unwashed looking, his shirt is the same one he had worn to breakfast the morning of their fight and he has deep rings under his eyes.

“How long have you been here, Dean?”, Cas asks and the hunter shrugs unhelpfully.

Sam frowns at him. “He’s been here as long as you have. Nearly two days.”

Dean shoots his brother a glare, his gaze softening when he turns to look at Cas. “I didn’t want you to be alone when you woke up.”

Cas reaches out and gently takes Dean’s hand in his. “I appreciate it Dean, but you should go and get some rest. I’m still pretty tired so I’ll just sleep too.”

If this were last week, Cas is fairly sure Dean would have pulled his hand away, but now he just gives Cas’ hand a gentle squeeze and offers him a small smile. “I’ll go when you’ve fallen asleep, okay?”, he says softly and Cas nods. His eyes feel heavy, and he leans back in his pillows, still holding hands with Dean. The morphine keeps him from feeling the pain, but it also makes his head feel as if it were stuffed with cotton and just listening to Sam and Dean arguing about… something in hushed tones is enough to make his eyelids droop. He falls asleep just as he hears Sam hiss: “Fucking tell him or I will.” But it doesn’t really make much sense to him as sleep beckons and he heeds its call.

 

The next time he wakes up, his head feels a lot less fuzzy and the lights are off entirely. He looks over to the window and sees that night has well and truly fallen. He hears a little snuffling noise and in the light filtering in from the corridor he sees Dean, still in his chair, fast asleep with his head pillowed on the bed next to Cas’ hip. One hand is still stretched out towards Cas and his lips are slightly parted, his face more relaxed than it ever is when he is awake. When he looks like this, Cas can’t imagine ever leaving him. The whole time Aphrodite was hurting him, the only thing he could think of was Dean. How much he had hurt him and how much he still loved him.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he reaches out and softly strokes a hand through Dean’s hair. He freezes when the hunter stirs a little, but when he doesn’t wake he continues. Before this case, Cas would never have dreamt of touching Dean this way, no matter how much he wanted to but now… Something has shifted between them, and not just because of the fight. The way Dean had looked at him when he woke up, the way he held Cas’ hand, the way he spoke to him – it was all different and Cas isn’t sure why, but he knows that he doesn’t want it to change.

He lies there for a long time, just gently running his fingers through Dean’s hair and by the time the sun has started to rise outside his window Cas has come to a decision.

He’s going to tell Dean once and for all how he feels, and if the hunter rejects him then he’ll leave the bunker – but he needs to tell him and not have the only time he mentions it be during a heated fight, minutes after Dean has kissed another man.

Dean wakes eventually when a nurse bustles in with a tray of food for Cas.

“You really aren’t allowed to stay overnight, you know.”, she tells Dean with a disapproving look. For his part, Dean is only half awake and just nods, blinking blearily at her as she leaves.

Cas offers him a small smile as Dean yawns and steals his coffee. “You stayed again.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, Sammy left before me and I was just going to stay a little longer, but I guess I fell asleep. Sorry about that.”, he says, but he doesn’t look very sorry.

“I’m… glad you stayed.”, Cas says carefully and Dean smiles.

“Me too. Although, you might not be if I don’t manage to shower soon.”, he says, and Cas wrinkles his nose in fake disgust, making him laugh. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll go once the doctor’s been.”

“You really should get some sleep in a proper bed. This can’t be good for you – sleeping here.”, the former angel says.

Dean cracks his back and nods. “It’s not, but… I didn’t want to leave you until we’d talked.”

“Talk?”, Cas asks, his mouth going dry.

Dean nods solemnly, shuffling his chair further up towards the top of the bed. “Yeah, it’s about time, don’t you think?”

Cas swallows the lump in his throat and nods. He had expected to have a little more time to prepare what he was going to say to Dean.

“Cas, first of all, I need to apologise. That night, with Max, I was so… blinded by hurt that I did and said some really stupid things.”, Dean says sincerely and Cas makes to interrupt him, but the hunter shakes his head. “Please, Cas. Just let me say this and then you can speak.” Cas nods and Dean continues. “Anyway, I know I was awful to you, Cas – have been for a couple of months to be honest, with my um… mood swings and such. And I completely understand if you want to leave, I won’t stop you. Eileen made it clear to me that it’s not up to me to make decisions for you like that.” He pauses to take a sip of coffee and Cas thinks his heart might beat out of his chest – is Dean asking him to leave again? “It wouldn’t be what I want, but like I said: I won’t stop you if leaving is what you want. And um, the reason for that is - The reason I don’t want you to leave that is… It’s because I need you Cas, and I know I’ve told you that before but I mean it more this time than I ever have, because now – now I finally know why I need you so much. I know why everything you did always affected me a thousand times more than anyone else doing the same thing and I know why being with out you hurts so much and why seeing you with other people hurts even more.” He takes a steadying breath and Cas is so afraid of what Dean might say next, because it’s all he’s wanted to hear for so long and he isn’t sure he’s ready. Dean takes Cas’ hand in his and Cas can feel the way the hunter’s hands shake. Those hands that to the whole world always seem so sure and steady, but that Cas can always see the fear and bone-deep weariness in. Dean looks at him, his green eyes so full of an emotion that Cas is afraid to name and says: “I love you, Cas. I love you and I know you said you love me too and I want you to know that it’s okay if after all I’ve done you don’t want to be with me or have changed your mind but –“

He looks like he wants to keep talking, but Cas is done listening. He feels like he’s dreaming and flying and on fire all at the same time, all because Dean said he loves him! “Changed my mind?”, Cas asks breathlessly and Dean stops rambling.

“Um, well…”, the hunter begins and Cas cuts him off again.

“Dean Winchester I have loved you from the moment I set eyes on your soul in hell. I’ve loved you through countless apocalypses and both of us dying too many damn times and you think I’d change my mind because you kissed someone else?”, he demands and Dean looks a little stunned.

“You – you love me?”, he stutters and Cas nods.

He squeezes the hunter’s hand and laughs a little. “I’m not sure why you’re the one who’s so surprised. I was extremely obvious, but you… are you sure I’m what you want? You don’t just feel obligated or –“

Dean interrupts him, a thunderous look on his face. “Castiel don’t you dare finish that sentence. Of course I’m sure! I’ve never had much faith, you know that. Even when I found out about angels, and then when I met Chuck, I still didn’t have faith. But you… I always believed in you. Even when we were estranged and had both done stupid things, the one thing I always believed in and the one person I’d pray to was you!” The hunter’s face is bright red and Cas can’t tell if it’s from passion or embarrassment at his declaration, but he forgets to care a moment later when Dean leans forward and kisses him.

It’s a feather light kiss, barely more than a brush of lips, before Dean is pulling away again, his eyes searching Cas’ face as if for permission. When Cas nods, the hunter cautiously sits on the edge of the bed – wary of jostling Cas’ leg – and then his mouth is on Cas’ again, still gentle and careful, but more sure this time.

Cas slowly lifts his arms, aware of the burning from his ribs, and wraps them around Dean’s neck. The hunter responds in kind, carefully wrapping one arm around Cas’ shoulders to steady him and burying the other hand in his hair, pulling him closer.

The kiss is chaste, a soft, firm press of lips and eventually Cas has to pull away, breathless and with his whole chest stinging, but happy.

Dean gives him a small smile and entwines his fingers with Cas’ who smiles back. Cas could get lost in Dean’s eyes and almost does, but then he is startled by a slow, clapping noise from the doorway.

He looks over and sees both Sam and Eileen standing there, looking very smug. Dean blushes and buries his head in Cas shoulder as the other two laugh.

“Finally!”, Sam says and Eileen laughs as Dean flips them off, his face still hidden. Cas gently strokes the back of Dean’s head and he leans into the touch, as Sam pulls up another chair and sits down next to Eileen beside the bed.

 **So you two finally pulled your heads out of your asses then?** Eileen asks and Cas grins and nods.

Dean rolls his eyes and signs: **Clearly.**

Cas frowns. “You speak ASL?”, he asks, astounded and Sam and Eileen laugh, while Dean grins sheepishly.

 **Yeah, we only found that out recently too.** Eileen says, throwing Dean a faux-angry glare as Sam wraps an arm around her shoulders.

Dean looks like he wants to retort, but then the doctor sweeps in. “Ah, Mr. Biddick! How are we feeling today?”, she asks, giving Dean a pointed look until he climbs out of the bed.

“Um, good.”, Cas says and she gives him a curt smile.

“Good! Well, I’ve had a look at your chart and since your stab-wound seems to be doing okay, I think you can be discharged. I’ll have your files transferred to the hospital in Lebanon and you can go there for follow-up treatment especially for your leg. Make sure to stop by the pharmacy on your way out and your boyfriend can go get your painkillers.”, she says and Dean goes very red at being called Cas’ boyfriend, but doesn’t react beyond that. With another quick smile at all of them, the doctor rushes out after shoving Cas’ prescription at Dean.

Sam sniggers at Dean’s red face, but then stops laughing when there’s a knock at the door and Don steps in, a huge bunch of flowers in his hands.

“Hello all.”, he says, placing the flowers on the table.

“Um, hi.”, Cas says, throwing Dean a confused look, but he just shrugs.

They sit in awkward silence for a moment before Don says. “Well, I just wanted to say thank you for solving the case. Terrible business this, but you did well – not everyone can take out a god!” He gives them a congratulatory smile, which Cas returns awkwardly, but then Eileen frowns.

“We never told you that it was a god that it did it.”, she says and Don pales a little.

“Oh, sure you did!”, he waves a hand dismissively. “I distinctly remember you saying that you killed Adonis and that the case was closed.”

Dean and Sam get to their feet at the same time. “We definitely didn’t say that.”, Sam says. “Especially because it wasn’t Adonis, it was Aphrodite. And there’s no way for you to have known about Adonis unless _you_ were the one who summoned him in the first place!”

Dean growls and Cas reaches out to wrap his hand around the hunter’s arm and keep him in place.

“Why did you do it?”, Eileen asks threateningly.

Don blanches. “You have to understand! The network was letting me go and I have alimony and loans and… I needed a candidate who was guaranteed to win and not want to keep the money!”

Cas tightens his grip on Dean’s arm as the hunter looks ready to murder Don. “Are you telling me that all those people were killed and Cas nearly died so you could pay off your debts?”, he roars and Don recoils.

“I’m sorry, no one was ever meant to get hurt!”, he stammers and Sam takes a step towards him, Eileen by his side.

“I think you should leave. Now!”, he says, his voice deep and menacing and Don nods, practically running out of the room.

Cas tugs at Dean’s arm until he sits back down on the bed again, his shoulder’s tense and his jaw clenched. “It’s okay, I’m fine Dean.”, he says quietly and Dean shakes his head.

“You’re not. You nearly died and your leg is really fucked up. And he’s just going to get away with it!”, the hunter spits and Cas rubs the back of his neck comfortingly, but at the same time he revels in the fact that he can touch Dean like this now.

“Mr. Biddick? I’ve brought your wheelchair and crutches so you can be discharged.”, a nurse says, walking into the room, wheeling a chair in front of her.

Castiel thanks her and Sam suddenly smacks himself on the head. “I forgot, I brought your bag so that you can get changed before you leave.” He nods to a duffle bag resting by the door. “All your stuff is out of the hotel too, Dean. I put it in Baby.”

“Thanks Sammy.”, Dean says, catching the keys Sam throws at him.

 **We’ll leave you guys to get ready for the trip and head up to the bunker now.** Eileen says. **We’ll meet you there this evening.**

 **See you at home.** Cas signs and Eileen smiles widely at him.

She and Sam say their goodbyes and then he is left alone with Dean.

“So you are coming home then?”, Dean asks, a hopeful look on his face.

Cas rolls his eyes. “Of course, Dean.”

The hunter grins and gives him a swift peck on the lips before getting to his feet. “Good. Then I’ll go grab a quick shower in your bathroom and hope the nurses don’t catch me. After that we can get you dressed and head off, sound good?”

“Yeah.”, Cas says, smiling at him. “Sounds good.”

Dean leans down to kiss him again and then rummages in Cas’ bag for a fresh t-shirt and some underwear before disappearing into the bathroom.

Five minutes later – after what must be the world’s fastest shower – he re-emerges with damp hair and smelling faintly of Cas’ soap.

Dean stuffs his old clothes down one side of the bag and then pulls out a hoodie and sweatpants for Cas. With the hunter’s help, Cas swings his legs around so that he’s sitting on the edge of the bed and together they manage to pull the sweatpants over his cast and up onto his hips. The fact that Dean’s hands linger a little on the skin of his back does not escape Cas’ notice and he grins a little as he pulls off the horrid hospital gown and puts on the hoodie.

Then Dean helps him shuffle off the bed and collapse into the wheelchair.

Finally, Dean gives him the crutches to hold in his lap, swings Cas’ bag over his shoulder and then the hunter wheels him out of the room and down to the main entrance.

He disappears for a minute to nip into the pharmacy and then returns with Cas’ prescription.

“I’m just going to go get Baby, then I’ll be right back.”, he says and before he leaves, he kisses Cas again. It’s a little more intense than the last time and leaves both of them slightly breathless and blushing.

Cas waits in the hall and an orderly appears, ready to take his wheelchair when he leaves.

He hears the roar of the Impala before he sees it and about ten seconds after it pulls up, Dean is out of the car and hurrying towards Cas.

He wheels him towards the passenger door, which he opens and then – with the orderly’s help – shuffles Cas into the car, throwing the crutches into the back seat.

When Dean gets in and drives off with a little jolt, Cas can’t help but hiss in pain as it jars his leg.

“Shit. Are you okay?”, he asks and Cas offers him a small smile.

“Yes, Dean. But maybe… try and avoid bumps?”, he suggests and then Dean is pulling over.

The hunter grabs a blanket from the back seat and then rolls it up. “Here, turn sideways, put this behind your head and then put your leg up on my lap.”, he orders and Cas hesitates.

“Dean, are you sure? It’s a long drive, I can just go sit in the backseat.”, he says and Dean shakes his head.

“Nope, not happening.”, he pats his lap. “Up you go.” Cas sighs, knowing that he can’t argue with him and carefully readjusts the way he’s sitting to swing his leg up onto Dean’s. “Oh and take some of your meds as well – the pharmacist said you can have two every six hours.”

He throws the pills and a bottle of water at Cas, before pulling out onto the road again. Cas does as he’s told and when he’s taken his painkillers, he leans back against the window.

“Tired?”, Dean asks and Cas nods. “Yeah, the pharmacist said these’ll make you sleepy, but you could do with more rest anyway.”

“I’m fine, I don’t need to sleep.”, Cas says, but even he can’t take himself seriously when he yawns halfway through the sentence. “Fine, but wake me up in half an hour.”

Dean reaches out and strokes the part of his knee that isn’t in a cast. “Uh-huh, sure angel.”

“M’not an angel.”, Cas mumbles, already half asleep.

He’s pretty sure Dean says “You always are, Cas.”, but he’s asleep too quickly to know for sure.

Dean doesn’t wake him for another four hours when they stop for lunch on the border between Oklahoma and Kansas.

Dean looks tired, but they’re both desperate to get home, so they eat their burgers quickly - Dean even helps Cas into a stall so that he can relieve himself - and then they hit the road again.

Once again, the hunter insists on cushioning Cas’ broken leg with his own but this time Cas manages to stay awake so they listen to Dean’s tapes and talk about how Dean is just waiting for Sam to propose to Eileen and how Cas thinks it’s far more likely that she’ll propose.

Eventually, the bunker comes into sight and when Dean pulls into the garage Cas thinks he’s ever felt more relieved to be home.

Dean comes around to open Cas’ door for him and then leaves him to go deposit their bags in their rooms.

Cas takes another painkiller and then decides that he can at least walk to bed by himself, so he fishes his crutches out of the back seat. He has just made it around the other side of Baby, when Dean returns.

“Oh hell no.”, the hunter says, striding towards him.

Cas frowns. “What? How else am I supposed to get downstairs?”

“Like this.”, Dean says, grinning easily before bending down and sweeping Cas from his feet – one arm under his legs, the other under his back.

Cas squeaks and drops his crutches in favour of holding onto Dean’s neck. “Put me down, Dean. I am perfectly capable of walking by myself.”

He feels Dean shake his head. “Nope. You’re not actually, the best you can do is hobble. Secondly, the doctor said you were to stay off your feet and thirdly, I’ve been an ass lately so the least I can do is carry you downstairs.”, the hunter says, walking out of the garage and carefully manoeuvring down the stairs.

“She did not say that!”, Cas says indignantly, but he decides he quite likes being pressed this close to Dean.

Dean laughs. “Fine, she didn’t explicitly say that, but it was heavily implied. Besides, I have to carry you over the threshold, right?”

“We’re not married Dean!”, Cas insists, but he presses a small kiss to the bolt of Dean’s jaw so the hunter knows he isn’t really annoyed. They don’t see Sam or Eileen anywhere and Cas lightly smacks Dean’s shoulder when he makes a disgusting suggestion as to what the two of them are up to.

Dean carries him all the way through the bunker, walking right past Cas’ room and into his own. He carefully deposits Cas on the bed and when Cas looks around, he looks a little nervous.

“Sorry, is this okay? I should’ve asked.”, he says and Cas smiles softly.

“It’s fine Dean, don’t worry.”, he says, then pats the bed beside him. “I’m still pretty tired, would you mind lying with me?”

Dean nods, giving him a beatific smile. “Sure, just let me get changed.” He quickly shucks his jeans and pulls on soft pyjama pants instead. Cas takes off his own hoodie, leaving him bare-chested and leans back into the pillows, closing his eyes. After what feels like a lifetime, he feels the mattress beside him dip and Dean slides under the covers next to him. It feels like the hunter is hesitating about something so Cas opens his eyes slowly and tugs on the collar of Dean’s shirt.

“Come here, Dean.”, he says quietly and Dean rolls over, throwing an arm across Cas and nuzzling into his neck as the former angel wraps his arms around him.

They lie there in silence and then just as Cas is about to fall asleep, Dean sits up a little to give him a tender kiss.

“I love you, Cas. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”, he whispers and Cas returns the kiss, his arms tightening around Dean.

“I love you too, Dean. Always have, always will.”, he whispers and feels Dean smile against his mouth, before moving down and pillowing his head on the former angel’s chest.

Cas feels warm, and safe, and content for the first time in a long time. He listens to Dean’s steady breathing, feels his warm arms around him, and falls asleep dreaming of green eyes and sunny roads that stretch on forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can't write smut... like at all. So I wrote fluffy, shmoopy, sleepy Destiel instead, hope that's okay with you guys!  
> This is the last proper chapter but there will almost certainly be an Epilogue up by the end of this week. Thank you so much to all of you for reading and leaving Kudos and especially thank you to those of you who commented. It made my day every time I got to see your reactions to this fic, especially since it's the first long, multi-chapter one I've ever done! xxxxxx


	12. Epilogue: I'm alright with a slow burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, sign language is written in bold.  
> TWs: Only for the usual swearing  
> This chapter is entirely from Dean's POV  
> The chapter title is from the Kacey Musgraves song "Slow Burn"

The thing about weddings, Dean thinks as he surveys all their friends and family, is that people get dressed up and subsequently drunk just to see someone tell another person that they loved them. To be perfectly honest, he doesn’t understand why you needed all that pomp and all these people there to do that.

He says as much to Cas, who just rolls his Pacific-blue eyes. “You’re just annoyed that I won the bet.”, he says and Dean scowls. Eileen had proposed three weeks after they returned from Texas and she and Sam had decided to avoid a long engagement by marrying two weeks later.

“For fuck’s sake Cas, how the hell was I supposed to know that Sammy would be too much of a pussy to ask Eileen to marry him.”, he says and Cas grins smugly, but leans in to kiss him anyway. He blushes, still unused to Cas doing that in front of other people and across the room, he sees Jody wink at him. Cas was healing, but his leg was still in a cast, so he and Dean were seated at their table while most of the other guests were dancing. “I still don’t think that all this is necessary.”, he says, gesturing at the beautifully decorated barn that Garth had arranged for Sam and Eileen to be married in that every friend and hunter they know has squeezed into.

Cas fits Dean’s face into his hand and rubs his thumb along his cheekbone. “Are you saying that if I asked you to marry me en aziazor, that you would say no?”

“Are you saying that you’d want to marry me?”, Dean retorts stubbornly, trying to will away his blush at the thought of Cas sliding a ring onto his finger and passionately kissing him in front of a room full of people the way Sam had Eileen.

Cas gives a long-suffering sigh and pulls Dean in for another kiss. The former angel had very quickly learned how to make Dean’s knees go weak by scraping his teeth along Dean’s bottom lip just so and it took all Dean had not to drag Cas out of that barn and into the backseat of the Impala. “Dean, you are ol graa od aoiveae and I love you more than anything in any world, but sometimes you’re an idiot.”, Cas says, a little breathless when they finally break apart. Dean wants to retort but Cas continues before he can. “If you don’t wish to ever marry, it’s not something I would want to force on you, ol monons. But if you’re asking whether before the law and before heaven and especially before the general public that might be interested in you, I would want to claim you as mine? The answer is of course and always will be: Yes.” Cas’ gorgeous eyes are earnest as they meet Dean’s green ones, but the hunter can’t help but feel a little self-conscious.

“We’ve been together for less than two months. Are you sure you’d want to marry me that quickly? What if you change your mind?”, he mumbles.

Cas strokes his face comfortingly. “We’ve been together for five weeks, but I’ve loved you for nearly ten years. If anything, this could be moving too quickly for you. Is it?”

Dean scoots his chair as close to Cas’ as possible and then pulls the former angel bodily onto his lap. He wraps his arms around his waist and presses a kiss to his jaw – this time Cas is the one who blushes.

He takes one of Cas’ hand in his and looks up at him. “Castiel. Ol brin hoath ils paid.”, he begins, the foreign words heavy and unfamiliar on his tongue, despite the lessons Sam had – rather gleefully – been giving him. “Trian ils conisa ol mano jatalaham, od goho noib ol arisso a-ollog?” It is probably the longest sentence he’d ever strung together in Enochian, and while Cas stares at him a little shocked, he digs in the inside pocket of his suit jacket, pulling out his wallet. He briefly unwraps his arms from Cas’ body and pulls his mother’s ring from the centre fold. He’d offered it to Sam, when he announced his engagement to Eileen, but he’d declined it. Since they’d been out hunting at the time, leaving Cas to be looked after by Eileen, Dean had put the ring in his wallet to keep it safe and never taken it out again. “I can’t promise you I’ll want much more than you and me signing some papers with Sammy and Eileen as witnesses, but I do promise you that I’ll love you forever and that I’ll do my best to give you everything you ask for – even a big, stupid wedding.” He nervously offers Cas the ring, who momentarily ignores the gold band and kisses Dean so hard, that he nearly throws them both backwards off his chair.

“I’d forgo a big, stupid wedding, as you put it, for a lifetime with you ol hoath.”, Cas says, before passionately kissing him again. Dean melts into the kiss, but then pulls away suddenly.

“Wait, Cas, wait.”, he says, gasping for air. Cas looks a little annoyed.

“What?”, he asks and Dean wants to kiss him again, if only so he’ll stop frowning at him.

“Was that a yes?”, he asks and Cas looks like he might want to punch him. Instead, he pulls the hunter in for yet another kiss.

A moment later he lets go of Dean for long enough to manage a breathy: “Yes, you idiot.”, before diving back in. It’s only when Dean’s suit trousers start to tighten uncomfortably and Cas accidently rubs against his crotch that they remember they’re in public and surrounded by people who would love any excuse to tease them mercilessly. Dean attempts to calm himself a little, but he’s hampered by the fact that Cas’ ass is still firmly planted on his lap.

Dean hands Cas the ring, who slides it onto his little finger.

“We’ll have to get it resized.”, Dean tells him and he smiles.

“Are you two done dry-humping in public then?”, they hear a voice ask and Dean starts as Claire drops into a chair opposite them with Charlie following suit, grinning salaciously.

He glares at the two of them. “We weren’t dry-humping.”, he says and Charlie’s grin widens.

“Really? Cause it sure looked that way.”, she says and Dean flips her off. He feels Cas rest his chin on the top of his head and he knows his… fiancé is grinning.

Claire gives them a studious look and then says: “So when’s the wedding?”

“It’s today.”, Dean says snarkily as Cas huffs a laugh into his hair. “You’re here right now. Wow you must be really drunk if you don’t realise that Claire-bear.”

Claire scowls at him, but he can see a flicker of amusement in her eyes. “No old man, I mean your wedding. You two are very obviously engaged, unless Cas has suddenly developed a passion for women’s jewellery.”

“You’re very perceptive, you know that?”, Cas says and Dean can feel the vibrations in the ex-angel’s chest as he presses his face to his shirt.

“I’ve told her that at least once or twice.”, Sam says, coming to join them at the table, Eileen in tow.

 **Oh my God!** Eileen signs, pointing at Cas’ hand. Dean sighs. He really should have known better than to get engaged at a wedding full of hunters trained to notice the small details.

Sam grins at him. “Congratulations.”, he says quietly and Dean smiles, trying not to blush again as Cas strokes the back of his neck.

Claire pulls out her phone as Charlie engages Sam in a conversation about some nerdy bullshit and he turns his attention from Dean and Cas, but Eileen leans in to speak to the two of them.

 **I’m really happy for the two of you.** She signs and Cas lets go of Dean long enough to sign their thanks. **It’ll be nice for you to finally have the legal kind of bond.** She adds, a sly smile on her face and Dean feels Cas stiffen slightly.

 **As opposed to what other kind of bond?** The hunter asks and Cas squirms as Eileen’s smile broadens. “Cas?”, he asks and the ex-angel sighs.

 **I hate you and I’m never telling you anything again.** Cas signs to Eileen and Dean prods him in the side.

“What is going on?”, he asks loudly enough for Sam, Claire and Charlie all to look over at them.

 **Tell him!** Eileen urges Cas, who sighs and rubs Dean’s shoulder comfortingly.

“Remember when we did the spell on the myrrh leaves – back in Texas?”, he asks and Dean nods, gesturing for him to continue. “And you know how you glowed blue too, like me?  Well, it was because of my grace.”

Dean nods again. “Yeah, cause you touched that sticky stuff first.”

“No, you misunderstand.”, Cas says. “You glowed too, because some of my grace is… inside you and the spell picked up on that.”

The hunter frowns. “I don’t understand, how is your grace inside me? Not that I mind.”, he adds reassuringly, noticing Cas’ discomfort.

Cas smiles wanly at him. “I was the one who pulled you from Hell, you know that, but when I first touched you, I felt… well I know now that it is love. But back then I didn’t – couldn’t understand. My grace reacted in an unexpected manner and it… I suppose marked you is the right word. That’s why you have my handprint on your shoulder and also why some of my grace resides within you.” The former angel tightens his arms around Dean’s neck as if worried the hunter will push him away.

Dean gently plants a kiss on his cheek. “Cas, you didn’t have to be so worried. I’m not angry about something you clearly couldn’t control. Actually… I think it’s kind of cool, being tied to you like that.”

“Yeah?”, Cas asks, his eyes wide and Dean kisses him properly this time.

“Yeah.”

He loses himself in Cas again for a moment, but – as has happened way too often in the past weeks – he finds himself rudely interrupted by his brother.

“So Cas, does that mean you called dibs on my big brother?”, Sam asks, a shit-eating grin on his face and Dean glares at him.

“Sammy, I know this is your wedding, but would you kindly fuck off?”, he says and the table bursts into laughter.

Sam pulls his bride to her feet. **Come on, let’s go dance.** He says and they leave, both of them cackling like idiots. Charlie leaves to save Dorothy who was looking faintly disgusted, having ended up at a table with some of Garth’s werewolf family who hadn’t finished their extremely raw steaks yet.

“So.”, Claire says, sliding closer to the two of them and into Cas’ empty chair. “This thing. It’s for real?”

Dean would never, EVER admit it, but the way she’s looking at him scares him a little. “Um, yes?”, he says and she narrows her eyes.

“Are you asking me, or telling me?”, she says and he feels Cas stifle a laugh.

He sighs. “I’m telling you, Claire. I love Cas, I really do and this is for real. Now can you stop with the shovel talk?”

Claire glares at him for a full minute, then she grins and leans back. “Sure. But just so you know Winchester, I have a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anyone would miss you.”

Cas full on laughs at that and Dean pokes him in the ribs. “Hey, stop laughing. And you, don’t quote Clueless at me.”, he says, pointing at Claire.

Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You’ve seen Clueless?”

“What am I, some kind of mentally challenged airhead?”, he shoots back and she grins.

“I really am happy for you two. Look after each other, yeah?”, Claire says, getting up to leave as they nod.

“See you later!”, Cas calls after her and she flashes him a genuine smile as she joins Alex at the bar.

Cas leans back against Dean’s chest, resting his head against his. The hunter hooks his chin over Cas’ shoulder and together they watch their friends and family, dancing, drinking and laughing.

Eventually, Cas falls asleep – he’s still not fully recovered and he had to do a lot of hobbling about on his crutches over the last few days –  and Dean has to securely wrap his arms around the ex-angel to stop him from sliding off his lap. The first of the guests have already started to leave and Sam catches Dean’s eye to sign at him that he and Eileen are heading to their hotel.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”, he says quietly, pressing a couple of kisses to Cas’ face, who just groans and tries to bat him away. “C’mon Cas, we need to go home. Even Sam and Eileen have left.”

Cas yawns, nuzzling into Dean’s neck, but then pulls away blinking sleepily. “Dean?”, he asks drowsily and the hunter melts just a little.

“Yeah angel, it’s me. Now up you get.”, he gently pushes Cas into standing up and then reaches around him to grab his crutches. “You want to walk to Baby, or should I carry you?” Cas yawns again, which is enough answer for Dean, who scoops him up, clutching him to his chest. Cas waves at the few friends of thers who are still there as they make their way out to the Impala and when Dean helps him into the passenger seat, the ex-angel gives him a lascivious look.

“You know, you carrying me is really hot.”, he says and Dean blushes as he gets into the car.

“Oh yeah?”, he asks, leaning over to nose at Cas’ jaw.

Cas sounds a little breathless when he says: “Yeah. Really, really hot.” Dean kisses his way down Cas’ neck and he shivers. The hunter groans at the little whimper Cas makes, but he has to pull away.

“Sweetheart, trust me if we weren’t outside a barn that still has about half of our friends in it and it weren’t 3am, you would be in the backseat so fast…”, he says, trailing off as Cas offers him a smile.

“I know.”, he says, taking Dean’s hand.

Dean gives him a quick kiss, before starting the Impala. “Tomorrow.”, he promises, pulling away from the barn

Cas squeezes his hand. “I’m holding you to that, Dean Winchester.”

“You better, that’s what husbands are for.” Dean says, stroking over the ring on Cas’ hand.

“You know we aren’t married yet, right?”, Cas asks, laughing a little as they turn out onto the open road.

Dean takes his eyes off the road to smile at Cas for a moment. “Yeah babe, I know. But soon, right?”

Cas slides up the bench seat as much as his seatbelt will allow and kisses him on the cheek. “Yes, ol monons, soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations for the Enochian:  
> en aziazor = my love  
> ol graa od aoiveae = my moon and stars  
> Ol brin hoath ils paid = I have loved you forever  
> Trian ils conisa ol mano jatalaham, od goho noib ol arisso a-ollog? = you complete my soul, would you say yes to marrying me?  
> Ol Hoath = my love   
> ol monons = my heart
> 
> This little epilogue unfortunately concludes "Your Ocean Eyes", but I'm sure there'll be a timestamp or two - maybe another wedding?  
> This story has been so much fun and thank you all so much for reading it!  
> I've just started a new story ["How The Light Gets In"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675243) which is an AU with a Moviestar!Dean and Assistant!Cas, but a lot more angsty, but I'd love it if you gave it a read!


	13. Extra: Keeping you forever and for always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I wouldn't write any more, but I did promise you a wedding after all!
> 
> The chapter starts from Sam's POV, then switches to Cas'  
> No TW's except the usual swearing  
> The chapter title is from the Shania Twain song "Forever And For Always"

Sam is going to kill him. He knows Dean is his brother, but he’s still perfectly willing to commit fratricide. Because his stupid, idiot brother backslid and changed his mind. On his wedding day.

“I can’t Sammy!”, Dean whines and he looks close to tears.

Sam glares at him. “You can Dean. Cas is waiting for you out there.”

“I’m just not sure –“

“You are sure, we’ve had this conversation too many times over the last few weeks. You love Cas, that’s all that matters. So get the fuck out there!” Sam knows he’s being harsh, but honestly his brother is being ridiculous.

Dean takes a breath. “You’re sure this is the right decision?”

Sam cracks his knuckles. “Yes, I’m sure. Now put on the blue fucking tie and get out there.”

“Definitely the solid blue then?”, Dean asks, holding up the striped one next to said blue tie.

“Dean I will punch you, if you don’t put that tie on and get out there in the next thirty seconds.”, Sam threatens and Dean rolls his eyes.

“You don’t need to be such a bitch, Sammy.”

Sam groans and prays to Chuck for the strength to not murder his own brother. “Dean, it’s just a tie!” His brother flips him off, but finally puts on the blue tie – the one they had decided on weeks ago.

Sam watches him tie it, then steps forward to adjust his boutonniere. “Thanks Sammy.”, Dean says, his voice scratchy with emotion.

Sam flashes him a smile. “You’re welcome, jerk. Now let’s go, your man is waiting for you.”

They step out of Dean’s room to find Jody waiting for them.

“You took your sweet time.”, she says acerbically, but there’s a warm smile on her face. “You ready to do this?”

“I think if I don’t, Claire might kill me.”, Dean jokes as they head towards the bunker’s main door.

Jody laughs. “Yeah, she would.”

 

* * *

 

 

Eileen has decorated the clearing in the woods behind the bunker beautifully. There are fairy lights strung between the trees and candles in jars dotted along the aisle, lending the whole area an ethereal glow in the light of the setting sun. There are weathered benches positioned to form a short aisle, that are seating only their very closest friends and family. Alex and Donna are there with a radiant looking Charlie, who is holding Dorothy’s hand and Eileen is seated in the front row with Garth and his wife Bess. A murmur goes through the group and they all turn to look together at the people coming towards them.

Cas has been around since almost the very beginning of creation. He’s flown through the constellations and watched the sun rise millions of different times over a million beautiful landscapes. He has watched the first amphibian drag itself onto land and he’s watched the first mother cradle her baby with a look of rapturous joy on her face.

He doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything as beautiful as Dean, flanked by Jody and Sam, making his way towards him. He’s dressed in a slim fitting grey suit – the same one as Cas – a white shirt, a blue tie to match Cas’ green one and a simple orchid boutonniere. All that enhances Dean’s good looks, but what really makes the moment for Cas is the expression on his soon-to-be husband’s face. Dean’s smiling so wide that Cas is worried his face will split and there’s the tell-tale glint of tears in the corners of his eyes that make Cas’ own well up a little. Cas has known Dean a long time, but he doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look so happy and he feels warmth spreading in his chest at the thought that Dean looks that way because of him.

He feels someone nudge him as he lets himself get lost in Dean’s eyes for a moment. He looks at Claire who is standing beside him after rather grumpily having declared herself his best woman.

“You ready for this? You can still back out if you want, I’m pretty sure I get a few hits in on the old man.”, she asks with a grin.

Cas rolls his eyes at her and then Dean reaches them and throws her a dirty look. “As if you could take me.”

Cas laughs and reaches for Dean’s hand as Sam takes his place opposite Claire, and Jody circles around to stand between them – she had readily agreed to officiate as, in her words, she’s the “only damn authority figure left”. Dean drops his fake glare and looks up at him. “Hey.”, he says softly and Cas smiles.

“Hello Dean.”

Jody steps forward and begins to speak.

“We are gathered here today, to finally celebrate the union between Dean and Castiel. Let’s be honest, we all saw it coming way before they did and it may have taken _one_ of them a while to get with the programme.” She pointedly glances at Dean and everyone laughs, before she continues. “But it finally led them here. Now, Dean didn’t want a big wedding and that included any ‘damn sissy ceremony’, so with the knowledge that they’ve both prepared their own vows, I’m going to step back and let them do the talking.” She throws Dean a wink and smiles as he takes a shaky breath.

“It’s okay ol monons.”, Cas whispers and Dean gives him a grateful smile before he begins to speak.

“Cas, we’ve known each other for – Jesus – over ten years now. I’m older than I ever thought I’d get and to be honest the first two and a half decades of my life, I would have been grateful if I didn’t make it to forty. But then something happened: I went to hell and you dragged me out. But you did more than that. You saved me Cas. If it weren’t for you I’d be dead – whether from some black-eyed bastard, or drinking myself into an early grave.” Claire snorts a little at that, but Cas knows what Dean is saying – has always known. “You saved me because you made me believe that I had a right to be saved and I don’t think I realised that until recently. I didn’t realise that I deserved to have what I wanted – which is and always will be you. So I need to thank you Cas, because I can never repay you for that. And I can’t promise I won’t fuck up now and then, but I can promise that I will care for you and I won’t ever stop. Hell, I don’t think I could if I tried. I need you – always have – and I love you en aziazor. You gave me faith when I didn’t even believe in myself and I have faith in us.”

Dean finishes his vows and over his shoulder, Cas sees Sam sniffling. Cas is shedding a few tears of his own and he isn’t quite sure he’ll be able to speak, but Dean just gives him another smile. “It’s alright ol monons.”, he says quietly, echoing Cas’ words.

Cas nods and recalls the words he’d repeatedly practiced with Claire until she’d pulled a face and said she was going to vomit. “Dean, ol graa od aoiveae. You have touched so many lives, saved so many people, and they all see you as a strong, competent man. You are – you’re the strongest person I know – but that’s not all I love about you. I love how kind you are, how you care so much about the people you love. You’re so very selfless and I just-“. Cas needs to take a moment to steady himself and Dean cups his face with one callused hand. Those hands that have held Cas in his darkest times, that shake when he’s tired, that hold a gun so skilfully, and that are so desperately, painfully gentle when touching him. He takes a steadying breath and then continues. “I’ve been around since the beginning of time and since then I’ve also been alone. I thought it would stay that way forever - angels aren't built for that sort of companionship and couldn't understand what I yearned for. But then I was given a mission – the mission to save you. The minute I touched you I knew – I knew I’d never be alone again. You said you could never repay me, but you gave me a family. You gave me love. I fell for you in every way imaginable and I don’t regret any of it. I love you Dean, and I promise to love you until the end of everything – and even beyond that. After all, you and I do share a profound bond.”

Dean is openly crying, his hand curled around the back of Cas’ neck and Cas leans forward to press their foreheads together.

Jody sniffs and nods at Sam. “Could the best man please hand over the rings.”, she says and Sam pulls a little box out of his inside jacket pocket. Jody takes them and offers the first ring to Dean, who disentangles himself from Cas. “Dean if you’ll give Cas the ring and say the prepared words, please.”

Dean takes the ring and turns to face Cas. “With this ring, I pledge to you my eternal love, from this day forward, until death do us part and Heaven us reunites.” He carefully slides the ring – a simple platinum band – onto Cas’ finger and Cas is convinced he can feel the engraving on the inside against his skin.

“Cas, it’s your turn.”, Jody says and hands Cas Dean’s ring.

Cas takes it and smiles at a still slightly watery looking Dean and repeats the words they had chosen together. “With this ring, I pledge to you my eternal love, from this day forward until death do us part and Heaven us reunites.” He carefully places the ring on Dean’s finger and then Dean’s lips are on his, before Jody can say anything else.

He wraps his arms around his _husband’s_ neck and he hears Jody yell: “Hey, I didn’t say you could kiss yet!” as their friends and family cheer.

They finally let go of each other and Dean gives him a blinding smile as Sam reels them both in for a hug. “I’m so happy for you!”, he yells as Cas struggles to breathe in the tight embrace.

“Get off you big moose!”, Dean says and Sam plants a sloppy kiss on Cas’ cheek before finally letting go of them.

Then they’re surrounded by people wanting to congratulate them and they’re swamped in hugs and friendly kisses – throughout it all, Dean keeps one hand in Cas’.

When the congratulations are finally over, Sam and Garth head into the bunker to bring out tables that they slide between the benches and Eileen and Dorothy bring out the food.

“Finally, we get down to the good part.”, Dean says and Cas is convinced he’s only partly joking. They tuck in to the roast pork, fried potatoes, and veg that Donna and Alex had spent all day preparing and Cas rather reluctantly lets go of Dean’s hand so as to allow his husband to demolish his dinner.

Dean had absolutely vetoed speeches – based how much he’d cried already Cas is starting to think that was a very good idea – so there’s just some general chatter between courses and then Cas is forced to listen to the borderline pornographic noises his new husband makes at the wedding-pie that Claire had special ordered from a bakery in Wichita.

“This is amazing!”, he moans as Cas tries not to let the noises go to his head - or anywhere else for that matter.

Claire throws her balled up napkin at Dean and mimes gagging. Dean flings a spoonful of whipped cream in her general direction, but Jody gives them both her best mom-stare which thankfully stops the burgeoning food-fight in its tracks.

After dinner, Garth hooks Dean’s record player up to the sound system Charlie had rigged up in the clearing and Cas drags a protesting Dean onto the dancefloor to the sound of Led Zepplin’s “Thank You” filtering through the warm summer air.

Once Cas wraps his arms around Dean, however, the protestations stop. They don’t really dance, it’s just kind of swaying, wrapped up in one another, but it’s perfect.

“Sorry you didn’t get your big white wedding.”, Dean says and Cas can tell by his slightly uncertain smile that he isn’t really joking.

He plants a tender kiss on the bridge of Dean’s nose. “It’s perfect ol hoath. You’re perfect. I love you, always.”

Dean blushes and instead of answering, reels Cas in for a passionate kiss. “I love you too, Cas.”, Dean breathes when they part.

As he stares into Dean’s eyes, Cas knows that even though he had to wait longer than he wanted and had to endure more heartache than he thought possible, it was all worth it; because every choice had been leading him here, to the man he loves.

They kiss again and only part when Charlie starts wolf-whistling and Eileen shouts something very rude that makes Dean blush to his roots and Cas sign a shocked: **Eileen!**

 

The night is one that Cas will never forget; full of laughter and love and happiness and Dean taking every possible opportunity to kiss him silly in front of everyone they love.

Later, as he lies panting and sweaty, draped across Dean’s chest, he questions how he ever lived without this man - then again, he hadn't been living, not really. Dean hums contentedly and wraps his arm around Cas’ waist, pulling the blankets up around them and entwining the fingers of his left hand with Cas’. Their rings press together and Cas can feel the delicate engraving pressing into his skin, the same way he is sure that the complimentary one is pressing into Dean’s. The words are simple, but they mean a lot to them. Dean presses a sleepy kiss to the top of his head and Cas knows that his brothers and sisters may think he’s given up everything, but he has the person he loves and who loves him and that is what is truly important.

He falls asleep wrapped in Dean and with the words on their rings floating through his mind.

_“Baglen ol mad gb-ebao, oi hoath paid, oe oadriax od obza nanta”_

**_“Through your grace, this love forever, in Heaven and on Earth”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I needed to get away from the angst of HTLGI and a few of you asked for Dean and Cas' wedding. I realise it's awfully cheesy, so I hope you guys didn't gag too much - but in my defence, try writing a wedding that isn't cheesy.  
> This is probably the last thing I'll write for this fic, but who knows, i might come back to it!  
> Thank you all so much for reading, you guys are amazing! xxxxx
> 
> Enochian translations:  
> en aziazor = my love  
> ol graa od aoiveae = my moon and stars  
> Ol Hoath = my love   
> ol monons = my heart  
> Baglen ol mad gb-ebao, oi hoath, paid oe oadriax od obza nanta = Through your grace, this love, forever in Heaven and on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> As always, let me know your thoughts, opinions or lack thereof with Comments and Kudos, or say hi on [tumblr](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com/ask) (@hefellfordean) x


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